


Watakushi

by Akaicchi



Series: Mukidashite: Bare (Your Teeth) [3]
Category: Persona 4, Persona Series, Shin Megami Tensei
Genre: Acceptance, Action, Archetypes, Backstory, Buddhism, Bullying, Burns, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Complicated Relationships, Confrontations, Desperation, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Dramatic Irony, Drunk Sex, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Epiphanies, Established Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Love, Five Years Later, Forgiveness, Friendship/Love, Jungian Psychology, Light Bondage, M/M, Manipulative Behavior, Mukidashite Verse, Other, POV First Person, Partner Betrayal, Possessive Behavior, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Repression, Second Chances, Self-Acceptance, Self-Denial, Shadows (Persona 4), Shadows Becoming Human, Shinto, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Team as Family, Therapy, Trust Issues, Truth, Unconditional Love, struck by lightening, truth comes out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:59:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 72,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaicchi/pseuds/Akaicchi
Summary: Part III of Mukidashite: Bare (Your Teeth). I bumped the rating up because I'm not positive, but think it's more explicit (sex/violence) than the first two. Better safe than sorry!"Watakushi" is a dated way of saying "I" or for referring to your own private business.We're going back to the beginning for the first three chapters. They're more of a prologue, and elaborate on things referenced to in the first two stories and show a little more of the development of Adachi and Dojima's (before) relationship.Back in the present, the new crew figures out how to confront Dojima's shadow. More people come back to visit Inaba.Dojima struggles with telling some close friends about him and Adachi.Nanako butts heads with Dojima concerning her choices. She also figures out a way to get the others to open up about the past.Adachi might get a job...? Oh, and he's decided to talk to Kubo.Teddie digs deeper about his origins.UPDATE 6/1/17Today I'm OFFICIALLY adding the Nanako/Teddie tag!!! It's kinda building in that direction.





	1. Prologue: Empty (Tohru)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this first chapter, which I'm calling 0-1 because it's kind of a prologue, we see Adachi's first interaction with his shadow. Then we jump ahead to the week following his Okaeri flashback at Dojima's.

Chapter Zero-One: Empty

(Tohru)

I'm in the middle of a game and the screen cuts to static.

"Ahhh man!" _Is my PlayStation broken?_

I turn the television on and off a few times before I realize that it's never actually shutting  _off_. "What the hell?"

I wriggle out from under the kotatsu and walk over with the intention of unplugging the unit. When I draw closer, however, the picture cuts to a different level—One I haven't seen before.

The landscape is all shades of red and black, shot through with blasts of yellow. "Huh?" I lean in, trying to figure out what went wrong with the game.

And then a hand _reaches _out of the television__!

It gruffly yanks the front of my shirt and I shriek as I'm pulled through my big screen.

\---***---

I land hard on my butt. Concrete and packed earth.

_Painful!_

I stand and sigh, wondering if this is some kind of delusion, mental disorder, concussion...?  _What even?_

_And then I see him. In the distance there is a person who looks extremely..._

He ambles over to me, holding himself in a familiar slouch. He's wearing my suit. My haircut I had to give myself.

_But his eyes are a shiny, golden-yellow._

"So this is what you think of the place, huh? I do like our decorating..." He sneers. "Everything's sooo boring~"

"Huh?" I ask, bewildered at seeing myself standing in front of me.

He cackles. "What's the problem? I'm _you_ , obviously!" He strikes a pose. "And fear no more—I'm here to help!"

"What?" I ask, confused. "How?"

"They sent us away and took our gun. But look!  _I_  have one. And you can too." He smirks, looking _absolutely_ wicked.

"Step one: _Make it._ Research. I know we can~ Show the world that fucking magic-ticket bullshit called  _talent_  isn't everything. We've come this far by pushing and pushing and  _pushing_  through the roadblocks. And you'll love it—We're going to do something  _amazing_ ~"

_I do want a gun again. I felt powerful..._

_Not like here._

_My new main job is fetching coffee. Ugh._

"We were given the power to  _change everything_ —To turn the world on its head."

I'm warming up, considering his words. "What do I have to do?"

" _Whatever_ you want—Remember that! And~" His eyes narrow to slits. "If anybody pisses you off, just chuck them in here." The other me spreads his arms and smiles crazily. "I'll make sure  _they're taken care of_."

The other Tohru hooks his arm back and slings the gun. It skitters towards me, landing a few feet away.

"Take it. _Reject_ me.  _Shoot me._  Keep being your persona—Keep making them think you're the likable idiot. Then  _I_  can stay in here and  _you_  can be out there. Only come back if there's trouble. You can see everything from the comfort of our nice little flat."

I look at the gun.  _Is it even real?_

"Shoot me," he commands.

_I want to be something._

_I want people to look at me_ — _I want them to listen to me._

I walk forward and hesitantly reach out for the tiny weapon. It's solid.

It's cold.

It's hard.

I remember what to do. All the training that I never would've been able to use again. I undo the safety, cock, point, and—

_PA-KRAK!_

_DON!_

I drop the gun in surprise as the yellow-eyed me crumples to the ground in a heap. He doesn't move for a few seconds, but then holds up his arm and throws me a thumbs-up.

I feel odd as a red cloud begins to surround me.

" _Run_ ," is all he says and I feel like I'm moving, like I'm swimming.

The next thing I know, I'm being ejected from my flat-screen, tumbling to the floor in a heap.

\---***---

It's been almost a week since that stuff at Ryoutarou's house. _Since I freaking passed-out during what should've been a super satisfying evening..._

And he's paranoid I'm sick or something—Like with a brain tumor or some other disastrous malady that makes me pass out.

Well, he's got secrets and things he doesn't talk about, and _I've_ got my own, too.

I've been at his house every night since. It would be fun except that he's acting like I'm going to keel over and die any minute! So we've had no repeat attempts at— _Well whatever the hell we were trying to do before._ We have tomorrow off, so we'll see.

We're supposed to stay at my place tonight, and I get to leave early.  _Lucky~_

I lied and said I'm going to the doctor. Two birds with one stone: it'll shut him up about me dying and I can check on whatever the hell Namatame's decided to do.

I shove my chair back from my desk and stretch. "Whoo~" I yawn. "Glad to be done with that!" I flash Ryoutarou a grin that he doesn't return. He shuffles papers around on his desk and pushes files into a bag on the floor.

"Come on," he stands. "I'll drive you."

_Ugh. No. That can't happen..._

"I'd really rather go by myself," I easily reply, rubbing the back of my head and trying to look sorry.

Ryoutarou sighs. "You _really_ want to walk?"

"I'll be fine," I wave him off. "Oh—" I walk over to his desk and make a show of taking a key off my carabiner. "Here," I tell him. "Just meet me. I'll be there in a few hours!"

He gingerly takes the key from my hand and slips it on his own abomination—A mess of keys and novelty keychains he clearly received as gifts from god-knows-where. "Thanks," he gruffly tells me.

_He looks uncomfortable—He must mean it._

I smile and tell him to help himself to the beer and whatever he can find in the fridge. Then I slip on my jacket and exit through the back door of the station.

_I'm happy that Amagi girl showed up on the Midnight Channel. She would end up being a pain for me if she knows anything about my visit to the inn._

_I never imagined things would work out so_ _smoothly_ _! If I can get Namatame to shove enough people into televisions, I'm sure he'll crack when I 'catch' him._

_Then he can take the blame and I can keep on doing—Well who the fuck knows. But I'll be a scot-free._

I amble down the side roads to get to Namatame's family's place. It's a bit of a hike, but the recon will be worth it. Long walks never bothered me.

_I don't see anyone around, as it's after-hours. I also don't know what to look for, exactly..._

The garage is open, so I slip inside and walk around, inspecting the small fleet of vans. I smile—The marked delivery vehicles won't look out of place _anywhere_ around town.

I peer inside one, noticing that there are papers for the driver. I find Namatame's and try the handle.  _Open._

I couldn't be happier with what's inside— _A TV even larger than my own!_

_He got the hint. He definitely knows what to do._

I exit the garage, feeling overwhelmingly relieved. It'll be a solid half-hour or so walk back to my own place. _But that's fine~_

_I have my out..._

Back at my building, I climb the stairs and fish for my keys. I feel an odd weirdness about  _not_  knocking on my own door when I know someone is inside. So I do knock, then start to insert my key, when the door opens on its own—

"Evening, officer. Can I help you?" Ryoutarou asks with a straight face, and then bursts out laughing, taking a swig from a can of beer.

I walk in and peek around. "Boy..." I start.

Next to the couch, there are several crushed beer cans and plastic bags near the remains of takeout—Which I'm hoping is more than just empty containers. Not to mention his jacket and pants are just thrown on the kitchen counter. "You've, _uhm_ , gone right to town, huh?"

Ryoutarou shakes his can and frowns at the almost-empty sound. He drains the rest, then crushes the can in one hand, grinning drunkenly. "I think I _miss_ living alone."

_Oh—_

_Shit._

_Not._

_The plan._

_Is there even any beer left? He's definitely on his way to drunk..._

I yank at my hair in frustration and take off my own jacket. I throw it over a chair and survey the damage. "Did you save me any—well—anything?"

"Yeah," Ryoutarou amiably replies. "I only had one pack. I found vodka in the cabinet."

"Oh." At least he isn't sad or angry.  _Yet_. "Oh boy..."

"There's fried rice and gyoza over there," Ryoutarou points to the mess by the couch. "C'mon! I was watching baseball. I don't know the last time I've seen the Tigers play... It's all quiz shows at my house. Even my nephew likes them."

"Oh," I interject. "Are you from Osaka?"

Ryoutarou shakes his head, laughing. "Nope! _Tokyo!_ " He seems to find this particularly funny, guffawing so hard he spits some of his beer on the floor.

"Really? Then would you, by chance, be related to—"

His answer is a solid wall. " _No._  No relations besides my sister and her family… But man! The team this year! I just can't get enough of new lineup. And..." he goes on and on. _Talkative tonight._

He slings his empty arm around me and guides me to the couch. I sit, feeling uncomfortable that my own house is not in the state I prefer. I take a deep breath and wince as a plastic container is shoved in my lap. _Gyoza._ Ryoutarou swings his legs up on the couch, leaning back against the arm and watching me intently.

"Wow," I smile anxiously. "Thanks for the fo—" I stare, squinting a little. Only two are whole. Three more have at least one bite taken out, and the sixth is just half the wrapping.

"Any time, Toe-rue!" Ryoutarou replies, slapping me on the back. One of the half-eaten dumplings plops to the floor.

With that and the dripping beer cans, I doubt I'll be getting my deposit back anymore.  _Damn he's like a hurricane of mess!_

_When's the last time he was able to really cut loose? Talk about wound too tightly..._

I eat the rest of the sad gyoza and then Ryoutarou's handing me fried rice. _Is there anything not greasy?_ He's jabbering away, pointing at the television every once in a while.

Well, I'm  _certainly_  not lonely.

"How drunk are you?" I stupidly blurt.

Ryoutarou smirks. "How done eating are you?"

_So done—_ _This isn't even warm!_

I set the container back on the floor, not bothering to cover it. I'm not cleaning the rest of this crap now.

I'm sitting back up when all the air's knocked out of my lungs. "Eh?!" I yelp. It feels like I've been  _punched_! He's got one of his gigantic arms around me, dragging me onto his lap.  _Fucking know your strength, idiot!_

"Tohru," he murmurs, drawing me to him.

"Yeah, you're drunk."

He either doesn't hear me or doesn't care. He just hugs me and gently touches my torso. "How was the doctor?"

Well at least I'm facing away from him, so I don't have to see his face when I lie.

"I'm fine," I evenly reply.

I'm finding I don't like directly lying to him.  _That's not great._

_It's complicating._

"Good." Ryoutarou nuzzles his sharp face into my neck and I'd push him away if it didn't feel so nice having someone hold me.

_Eww. _I_  do the holding._

_But it does feel nice. And safe._

I sigh, but do lean back against him.

_Whatever._

_It's fine for now._

His hands rest on my legs. "I was hoping we could finish what we started last week."

_Oh yeah?_

"Yeah," I say. "I'd like that."

"Mmmh," Ryoutarou replies, groping for my belt. He rests his chin on my shoulder and I squirm, feeling awkward that he's watching like that.

His hands are steadier than I expected. _Maybe for this he needed the push of liquor—_ And I _am_ glad to have noticed Ryoutarou mostly drinks only when he's off now.

_I'm glad..._

We shift so my pants can slide down. And I'm already getting a little fuzzy, like I'm drunk myself, and he hasn't even touched me yet. I can feel that he's excited too, and I can't help trembling while he works at my shirt buttons— _Waiting patiently isn't my thing._

I can feel a laugh rumble through Ryoutarou's chest and I sigh, pushing his hands away to do it myself.

"What?" he asks with mock offense. "Where do you think I should—"

I grumble and move his hands back to my lap. He snickers again, and I wonder at why he can't be so funny and playful _all_ the time. Not the angry asshole I get at work.

Ryoutarou's so gentle it's painful. He circles his free arm around me, reaching inside my now-open shirt to touch skin. I'm surprised that feels even more intimate than the other stuff.

He kisses my shoulder and I shiver. "What do you like?" he breathes. "What do you want me to do?"

And, completely without thinking, I just blurt the first thought on my mind again—"Fuck me."

I hear him suck in a sharp breath and he tightens his grip around my middle.  _That's_  a good reaction. I can't help smirking myself, imagining what his face must look like.

"Are you sure?" he groans into my neck, delicately biting a little.

"Yes." _I'm one-hundred percent certain that's what I want._

I'm  _less_  sure it's a  _good idea_.

Ryoutarou halts his movements and sighs.

_Okay—Now I don't like _that_._

"What?" I nervously ask, trying to twist enough to get a look at his face. I can tell he's hard.  _So...?_

He turns away so I can't see his expression, which I _definitely_ don't like.

"I don't know what to do," he grudgingly admits.

_Oh. That's what you're worried about?!_

_Don't freaking scare me..._

I heave a sigh of my own, my surge of panic dissipating. "I'm sure we can figure it out." I feel him nod in agreement. "Let's go over there—" I point to the bed. "And I'll grab— _fuck_ —I don't even know. Lemme up," I command.

Ryoutarou swivels around so I can hop off the couch and I realize I've got maybe five minutes—tops—to figure out how we're going to do this before he sobers up enough to realize it's a _shitty_ idea.

I've never done this—I'll need  _something_  to make it easier. At least easy enough that I don't never want to do it again.

"What're you looking for?" Ryoutarou asks, sitting on the edge of my bed, sounding— _and looking_ —smug. His mouth is turned up like he's hiding something.

"Uhh?" I respond.

"Did you even look in the bag over there?"

I shake my head and he sighs dramatically, swinging his legs back and forth.

I walk back to the couch and root around in the bag that's still full. A bunch of frigging corner-store sake bottles. And— _ah_. One that's not like the others. Plastic instead of glass. I feel myself turning red and I can hear him laughing again.

So we  _were_  on the same wavelength.

I pick it—and one of the sake jars—up and walk back over to him. Ryoutarou's scratching the back of his neck and smiling so innocently it's gross. "I don't know what I'm doing, but I thought that would help. And do you like sake?"

 _No_. _Hate it._

"Yeah," I grin back. "I'm going to clean up a little. Can you hang tight for a few minutes?" I go into the bathroom so I can run some soap and water over the important parts.

First, I rip the plastic lid off the sake jar. Then pull the can-like tab. I don't care for this stuff, but there was a lot. _Freaking hope he isn't planning to drink it all..._ I down half and wash up.

Back in the main room, Ryoutarou's watching TV again, still sitting on the edge of my bed. He cracks a smile when I walk over. _That's good._

"Let me take that off for you," he says, tugging my shirt off my shoulders.

I start on his, as if it's the most natural thing. He puts his arms around me and I reach down to make sure he's still into it... A bit surprised, really, this is actually happening. _I didn't think he'd so readily go all the way with a guy._

_He must really like me._

_Me._

_Adachi Tohru._

I push that thought away, swallowing hard to disperse any inklings of future regret— _Like how much he'd hate me if he ever figured out what I've done._

He chuckles and pulls me on top of him and I'm back in the moment. _I'm not really a planner, anyway._

I relax a little while he holds me, just feeling my back and shoulders before kissing me again. _It’s nice having someone touch you just to touch you..._

_I should learn to plan, but now's not the time for that._

Right now I should focus on the way he's rubbing my legs and butt. Still gently, but in a much needier way than earlier. Like he's on a mission.

It has definitely  _not_  escaped me that that he acts like my pleasure is more important than his. Like  _I'm_  important to him.

And then there's way he's been hyper-aware of me all week and watching me like I'll pass out again—Like he'd _care_ if I wasn't around anymore.

I let him roll us so that he's on top of me. I let him lift my legs and sit my ankles on his shoulders so he can see what's down there. Without hesitation he reaches for the bottle and squeezes some of the lube onto his fingers.

"Tell me if I'm hurting you." Ryoutarou locks his slate-grey eyes with mine, looking worried—maybe a little scared—and still unsure, but I can also sense his desire to keep going.

"Yeah," I breathe. "Don't worry." I rest my hand on his arm and can feel my lips pull back into a toothy, sloppy grin. _I_ sure don't want him to stop.

I take a deep breath and rub his arm. "Okay." I use my other hand to touch myself a little, worried it'll hurt without any sort of other stimulation.

He damn well takes his time, leisurely circling the outside and keeping near the entrance. I'm surprised it doesn't hurt at all, and even take my hand away from myself so I can grab his head when he leans in to kiss me, looking happy in a dopey way. It's too...  _Cute_?

_Ugh—I didn't know he could _be c_ ute._

Ryoutarou pulls his mouth away from mine to tell me he's going to try another. I feel a flutter of panic, but again it's not as bad as I expected. Things go smoothly until—

The  _third_  one isn't great, though.

It downright  _burns_ —even with more stuff and him touching me. Ryoutarou looks sheepish when I tighten or wince and I worry he's going to call it off. I grab a fistful of his hair so he can't back away and he kisses me again and whispers to me that we can take our time.

No. I wanna do this  _now_.

When the fiery sensation finally stops— _mostly_ —I push him away.

"Okay." I'm firm.

 _I_  know what I want. "I'm ready."

He tentatively nods and makes sure to coat himself in more of the stuff. For a second I wonder where we're going to freaking sleep afterwards. This is going to be an absolute  _disaster area_.

Then Ryoutarou's leaning over me again, and I reach over to guide him. It still burns, but is more of an itching, now.

_It's going to work out._

I let out the breath I've been holding and rest my hand on his hip. He moves slowly and for once, I'm glad he's overly cautious.

I wrinkle my eyebrows, wondering at the thoughtful look on his face.

"I-it's different," he bashfully admits, crimson creeping onto his face.

I try not to laugh and it turns into one of my smirks, which makes him roll his eyes. "In a good way?" I prompt.

" _Yes_."

_Wow that's hot—_

I hadn't quite realized how good this all fells until I processed that statement. "You can—" I stop halfway through because he gets the message.

He holds me with both hands, now and I clutch at his back, digging in my nails. I have a huge urge to bite into his neck again, but I think it'd end up being too hard because— _Fuck—_

I'm over the edge, making some keening sound. Which throws him as well, and shit—

_It's like I'm being rent in half!_

And then it's over...

Ryoutarou's still leaning over me panting. He reaches up to help me unhook my legs—That have _zero_ feeling, I should add.

"Urgh," I groan, kind of dizzy.

Ryoutarou rolls over and drags me with him, holding me tightly pressed against him. We stay still like that for a while.

I feel good— _I don't feel as empty_ —and not nearly as lonely—as I usually do.

Until he speaks: soft and serious.

And it makes all of me go _numb_ —

Feel cold and fearful.

" _I think I love you_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading~ I'm anxious that three chapters of backstory may be too much... I tried to space it out with the rest, again, but it was harder to tell what happened in which order. So we're seeing important points in their relationship like a highlights reel. I HOPE you enjoy!! Feedback is always welcome!
> 
> And if you're curious, I added the "dysfunctional relationship" tag just to this story 100% because their pre-Mukidashite relationship was absolutely fucked. (Thanks, Adachi! :D) I'm trying to paint "the now" as them attempting to repair/reconstruct whatever they can.
> 
> Re-Edited 6/14/17


	2. Prologue: Full (Ryoutarou)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember that "dysfunctional relationship" tag I mentioned? Starts for real-zies today!  
> The first scene is the morning after the last chapter, but then we skip a bit between the next two. And things start going in directions Ryoutarou does NOT care for, but lets himself get swept along anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you noticed, I ended up changing it from four to three prologue chapters. The last one wasn't up to par and not as important. So today we get Ryoutarou, then one more Tohru tomorrow. Tomorrow's has two scenes that are pretty screwed-up, I'd like to warn. Both elaborations on aforementioned incidents. Ryoutarou's shoulder thing and the last day Tohru goes to the hospital.  
> I unfortunately might need the weekend off from posting to catch up a little more... I like to get ahead enough that I can post consistently, and that would be a good breaking point. I'm only two in-story days ahead, consisting of four chapters, and I like to make sure everything connects well.  
> Thanks for reading!!

Chapter Zero-Two: Full

(Ryoutarou)

It's not exactly comfortable, waking up at Tohru’s the next morning—

Remembering what I told him the night before. I was buzzed enough that everything seemed like a good idea—The whole deal.

Then it slipped out so easily, with so little warning. _I surprised myself, really._

I roll over to get up without waking Tohru, who looks so quiet and at ease—Not a common sight from the loudmouth.

 _And_  I land on the floor with a loud noise.

The _hardwood_ floor.

"Dammit," I curse aloud, then check to make sure he didn't wake up.

I don't like Western beds or wooden floors. This being the primary reason.

Feeling sore, I stretch my back and stand. I use the bathroom and dress myself, relieved at the fact that I finally bought him a coffeepot last week.

In the kitchen I pour grounds directly from the bag into the modern, filterless machine.  _I freaking hope he has mugs._

While I wait, I throw everything dirty in his machine, picking up the sheets as well as his hamper. It won't hurt to be helpful, and I  _am_  happy to get away from my own house from time to time.

_The only drawback is that he doesn’t want me to smoke in here._

Not a fan of  _that_. I’ll have to go for a walk and have a cigarette or I know I’ll get grouchy.

When the coffee is ready, I search for mugs, growing irritated when I don't see a single one. I finally take down two large yunomi and pour a cup for each of us. I add a lot of sugar to his, and then I carry them over to Tohru's bed, dropping down on the edge.

"Wake up," I command.

He doesn't even stir. I call out in a louder voice a few more times, then finally place the coffee on the floor so I can shake him. "Tohru," I say, gripping his skinny shoulder.

" _Yah!!_ " he shrieks, scrambling to a sitting position. I can see panic and distrust in his eyes. It fades to his normal expression after a few seconds, but he looked _so scared_...

_I don't know what he could be that terrified of, but I'm sure his look will stick with me for a long time._

"You alright?" I ask, worry coloring my tone.

Tohru nods and pastes on a smile. "Yep~ G'morning, Ryoutarou!"

I roll my eyes and pick up the teacups. "Here. You don't have cream, but I did dump in a lot of sugar."

He takes it from me and has a cautious sip. "It's good~" he sings. I chuckle at his cute reaction.

I clear my throat and tell him I started his laundry, then swing my feet up so I can lean against the headboard and enjoy my own drink. "You, _ah_ , feeling okay today?" I ask, unsure if I hurt him at all last night.

"Yeah," Tohru grins brightly. "I'm great!"

"Good," I answer, smiling myself.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, until Tohru asks me what time I have to leave at. I shrug. "I can stay until two, at least. Do you have something to do today?"

"Not really," he replies, shaking his head. "Though I should go shopping. Can you drop me off on your way home?"

I agree and close my eyes, content.

"Are you tired?" Tohru questions.

I laugh. "Relieved."

"Relieved?" he repeats, sounding unsure.

"Yes," I tell him. "This is relaxing, just drinking coffee with you."

"O-oh." He starts fidgeting, looking suddenly self-conscious.

"Stop it, Tohru—Let me _have_ this." I pause, weighing whether or not I should ask about what I said yesterday.

_He didn't say anything back, so I am a little worried._

I sigh. "Is it _alright_?" I haltingly ask. "If I'm in love with you?"

He stares ahead, looking like he's fairly unnerved.

"If it's not okay, you need to _tell_ me so I can stop this from going any further." I sip from my mug, waiting to hear what he has to say.

"...That's not it."

I sigh again. _That's not what I was expecting. I was thinking more along the lines of a ‘yes’ or ‘no’._

Something  _simple_.

Tohru drains his yunomi and rests it between his bare feet. "I don't believe in love." He looks embarrassed now.

_I don't know how to respond to that._

So I sit silently, hoping there's more.

Thankfully, there is. "I can't say I've ever seen real love, so I don't even know what it looks like."

"That's... _Frank._ "

"Yeah," he giggles nervously. "You can love me, if _that's_ what you want, but I don't know how to love you back." Tohru shrugs. "It's better to be honest, y'know?"

I smirk and finish my coffee before turning back to him. "As long as I can be honest, too... _I love you, Tohru._ " I laugh and hook my arm around his waist to pull him into a hug.

"I  _do_  really like you," Tohru mumbles into my shirt, and I can't help beaming.

\---***---

The murders have stopped for more than two months, so Tohru and I have had more time together lately. Work’s exhausting, but things have been good on the whole.

_Alright..._

I am  _not_  happy that an  _actual kid_  is going to be sent over to take the case away from us, but the extra free time will be a boon. Now that the killings have been downgraded to kidnappings, I can relax a little.

Most nights we go out to eat, or stay late at the office to chat while we work, or I go to his place. _It’s nice..._

_I guess I’d never considered that the best way to stop being so lonely was to be around someone I like._

I was so angry the day I heard about a young screw-up being transferred here from the city, aggravated he would be some know-it-all hotshot. I didn’t want a damn partner.

_I couldn't have been more wrong._

_I missed loving someone. I missed caring for someone like this. I missed the intimacy._

_And if I’m honest, I missed not having to make all my own decisions._

"Izakaya tonight?" I call across the room to Tohru.

"Can't," he replies from his own desk. "It's going to rain tonight. I need to go, uh, take in my laundry."

 _He _does__   _look awfully tired..._

_But..._

I sigh. " _Screw_ your laundry. It's such a crappy day, I need something to look foreword to. What if I drive you by to take it in first?"

"Uhh," Tohru stalls. "I'd rather just go home tonight, _Sir_."

" _Dammit_ ," I snort. "Why the hell do you still do that?"

"It seems more proper for work," Tohru tells me with a guilty smile.

"Hnn," I sigh, annoyed by _two_ things now.

Tohru leans back over his desk to go through more paperwork, but I can't sit still. I tap my pen, play with a stress ball, and turn around in my chair.

"Want me to get us some coffee?" Tohru asks, finally setting down his own work.

"No..." I've probably had too much coffee today. I pull out a cigarette and absently spin it through my fingers.

"Hmm..."

I roll my neck and start tapping my foot. _I'm getting nowhere today, and now that I know I'll have to go home alone, I have zero drive to even finish my work._

Tohru suddenly pushes his chair back from his desk, grinning crookedly as he stands. "I bet I can make it up to you~" he wheedles.

"Oh  _yeah_?" I ask, not convinced in the slightest.

"You seem awfully pent-up. Follow me if you dare~" Tohru laughs and ambles out into the hall.

I get up and follow him, curious.

I grumble as we pass the break room. "Why didn't you tell me to take my jacket?"

"Because I wasn't planning on leaving the building?" he replies without turning his head.

Then where the hell—

_Huh?_

I blanch when he turns down the hallway with only the bathrooms. He was  _serious_  about not leaving the building!

My feet keep moving even though this feels like a stupid,  _stupid_  thing to do. I should walk by that hallway and go out the front door. Just walk to my car and drive home for the day.

But I end up pushing the door open and producing a strained smile when I see him smirking back at me from where he leans against the bank of stalls. "This is a little..."

"Scared?" Tohru nettles.

" _Shut up, Tohru,_ " I roughly scold him, uncomfortable.

Tohru shrugs, wearing an impish expression. He casually kicks open the door to one of the Western-style stalls, then disappears inside.

"This seems absurdly risky," I call over to him. As far as I know, there isn't a single person who is aware of the nature of our relationship—

And right now  _we're at work_!

"Your loss~" I can hear the mockery in his voice.

I snort but enter the same stall a minute later, locking the door behind myself. He's sitting cross-legged on the closed toilet, looking both amused and smug.

" _Knew_ you'd listen~"

I roll my eyes dramatically. "And what if someone else comes in here?"

"We be quiet?" he snarkily asks, raising his eyebrows derisively. "Look," he points to where the wall meets the floor. "This is why Japanese bathrooms are the best. No gap."

I fold my arms. "So what's your plan?"

"Why don't  _you_  sit," he stands and slides behind me. "And find out?"

I comply and don't have to wonder at the rest for long.

\---***---

_This last month passed quickly…_

The cases keep piling up. I've been a bit neglectful of the paperwork, now that I've been trying to spend more time at home with Nanako whenever I'm not with Tohru.

It was good to talk everything out. I never realized how much I was hurting her; how much she felt as though she had lost  _both_  of her parents.

 _The rest?_ Things picked up around the station when the Shirogane kid went missing. My nephew's acting twitchy again. Tohru's been less energetic, but _more_ erratic. He’s been really...

Alright.

Tohru’s  _off_.

I’m not sure _what’s_ going on with him. We’re together most of the day so I can’t make heads or tails of when he has the free time to even get into trouble. I  _do_  know he’s been getting himself hurt… But I haven’t come across anything out of the ordinary around town.

_Then there’s the other thing._

He’s so…  _Bitey_.

_I don’t get it—_

_What the hell does he get out of it?_

When I was dressing this morning, I noticed goddamm teeth marks ringed by a bruise on my upper  _arm_. Next time I catch him biting me I’m going to clock him fucking good.

Speaking of the devil— _Where is he this morning?_  He brought me a coffee and then disappeared a few hours ago…

I go back to doing my work until I hear that familiar gait tap into the room.

"You busy, Sir?" Tohru calls. I look over at him and roll my eyes. I can see that goofy grin decorating his face, but it's strained. He's been looking  _exhausted_  lately! His clothes are completely rumpled and his hair is even more wild than usual.

I tap the butt of my pen on the blotter. "Busy; always. Productive; not a chance."

"Wanna do something fun, then?" he asks, his smile turning wolfish.

"Like what?" I frown.

Tohru shrugs, his expression drooping. "I don't know... You need coffee? We can go for a walk and get you more cigarettes?  _I_  sure can't sit still today." He shuffles his feet, hands twitching in the pockets of his insanely flamboyant yellow raincoat.

I sigh and grab my own jacket. "Let's go."

 _He's been so all over the place lately..._   _Maybe a break will do him some damn good._

We end up at Junes and wander the aisles aimlessly. He takes an interest in the larger televisions on display, until I jibe that his is already gigantic enough. He titters nervously, but lets me drag him to the food court.

"We've barely worked today, but let's call it an early lunch," I smile. He thanks me and picks out a few small dishes. I pay for the food while he finds us a table.

"Sorry I've been pretty useless lately," Tohru apologizes, looking sullen.

I raise an eyebrow. "Why? It's not like I've found any leads, either." He tries to smile as he picks at his food, not actually eating much. "What're you doing later?" I ask, wondering what he's been up to that's making him so miserable. "Take off early and get some rest, if you need to. I can handle all the crap in the office."

Tohru nods thoughtfully. "Maybe," he guardedly answers. "Will you come over?"

"Mm..." I reply, trying to remember what day it even is. _A Thursday?_ I check my watch, feeling groggy. "Why not?" I tell him with a warm smile. "I'll pick up gyoza and noodles or something."

"Thanks."

_Wow—He already looks a little more at ease. I'm glad I can do that for him._

The rest of my workday goes by much more quickly. I send Tohru home a few hours early, then pick up food on the way over.

"I'm here," I yell, turning my key in the lock. I walk inside and realize that Tohru's  _not_.

_Oi... Where the hell did he go?_

_His shoes are here…?_

I carry the bag of food to the couch and knock on the bathroom door. He doesn’t answer, so I push it open.

_Empty._

It’s then that I notice something else peculiar: the TV isn't on the table where it usually lives. I spy it sitting on the floor—screen side up—by his bed.  _Odd_.

Why would he move it over there?  _Isn’t even plugged in…_

I leave the food all boxed up and lie down on the couch to take a nap and wait for him to return...

I wake up to hear Tohru calling out that he's home. I dismiss the fact that he's locking the door barefoot, as if he never left in the first place.

_He definitely wasn’t here—_

Tohru doesn't seem to notice my staring, simply walks over his closet to pull out clean clothes— _Fuck! He _is__ _a goddamn mess!!_

I'm now fully awake, realizing he looks as though he's been _beaten_ by a gang! "Wh-where were you?" I ask in disbelief. "Were you  _mugged_?!" _I think he might be bloody, too—_

I can tell it's _not_ just dirt, on second inspection.

"Oh, just fell," he replies, looking dazed.

" _Geez_ —Get in the bathroom!" I order. "I'll clean you up and wash your back. You  _definitely_  need a bath!"

Tohru obeys without argument, which completely throws me. He tosses clean clothes on his bed and strips; tosses the ripped and bloody shirt and pants into the kitchen—I'm going to assume he'll throw them away. He drops his underwear and socks near the washer.

I heave a sigh and put my arm around him, leading him to the shower. I point to the stool. "Siddown." I turn on the tub, and then retreat to the other room and remove my own clothes, fold them and place them on the bed, as well.

I walk back into the bathroom and Tohru's still sitting so quietly and still, staring at the floor. It's _spooky_.

I start the water, aiming the spray away form him until it warms up. "C'mon," I motion for him to lift his arms and spread his legs so I can spray him down. I lather up his washcloth and scrub. I’m _keenly_ aware that he doesn't wince _at all_ when it makes contact with the still-closing wounds.

_I'm fairly concerned by this point, but they won't do much more at the clinic than bandage him up—And I’d rather do that myself._

When I'm satisfied that he’s clean, the cream fabric comes back almost black. I frown, wondering what the fuck happened. I want to ask, but he's doesn't seem to want to talk.

I get a clean cloth to wash myself, figuring I won't be returning home tonight after all. When I finish, I pull him to his feet and steer him towards his small tub. "Go on," I tell him. "You soak. Call me if you need anything."

He sits down in the hot water, but then motions for me to get in, too.  _I'd rather not, it looks like it'll be cramped..._

_But I can't say no to him. Especially when he's acting so strangely._

I end up sitting on top of him, water sloshing over the top of the bath. He wraps his arms around me and I can feel him breathe in and out. "You sure?" I question. " _This_  is comfortable?"

I can feel him nod and then rest his head on my back. I know he's always been physically stronger than he looks, but right now he seems so damn _fragile_.

"Will you tell me  _anything_?" I beg. "I sent you home to rest, which you clearly didn't."

Tohru squirms, wiggling his toes. "It's getting too big. I can't control it anymore."

" _What_?" I ask, hoping for clarification.

I feel his chest fill with air and the big sigh afterwards. "It's out of my hands at this point..."

_He’s just babbling._

" _Me_ , Tohru," I say. "Talk to  _me_."

He hugs me tighter, but doesn't say anything else. When I start to get cold, I move to stand. Tohru doesn't let go, and I can't get enough leverage to pull myself away. I groan and give up.

"Alright. You have to tell me what's going on."

It’s barely a whisper—" _Something bad is going to happen._ "

"What?!" I roar, my agitation spilling over

Tohru's shaking, now. "I know I can’t stop it. I’m  _trying_ …” His teeth chatter as he grits them together. “They  _won’t listen_.  _None_  of the idiots will listen to me!”

I sigh, trying to calm down. "What can you tell me? I need something! _Something!_ " I bark. " _How_  do you know something bad is going to happen?"

"I don't know I don't know  _I don't know_!!" Tohru's whiny voice quavers uncontrollably.

"Alright,  _alright_." I need to get him to calm down, too. "Let me up," I bark, and Tohru finally releases me.

Out of the tub, I grab a towel for myself and carry his back over to where he's curled into himself, with his hands over his eyes. "Get up." He does, and I wrap the towel around him, trying to dry him off a little.

"Here's what we're going to do." I patiently put the night in order. "We're going out to the main room. You're going to put clothes on. I'll dress your wounds with whatever the hell you have on hand, and then we're going to eat dinner—Well, I'll reheat it first... Alright. Come on."

Thankfully, he follows me. I put my clothes on and hand him his clean ones. Then I take bandages and ointment from a drawer in the closet. I fix up the worst of it.

_A laceration on his back._

_Puncture wounds on his leg._

_Fucking severe burns on his shoulders._

"If they look worse tomorrow, we're going to the clinic," I warn him.

Then I stick the gyoza and yakiudon on foil and place it all in the oven drawer. I make coffee for myself, and tea for Tohru. He looks like he needs his tea right now.

We eat quietly, then I clean up. I pour myself another cup of coffee and take a book over to Tohru's bed, where he's already laying down.

"Get some sleep," I tell him. When I sit down to read, he crawls over so his head's resting in my lap. I sigh, but place a hand on his head. "Whatever it is, it's going to be  _fine_. If you tell me, maybe I can help you through it—That's what you're supposed to do for the people you love."

I start reading, thinking he's already asleep. He's not, though. I hear him mumble that I can’t love him.

" _Shut up, Tohru._ " I rub his hair. "I  _do_  love you.  _Nothing_  will change that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	3. Prologue: In the Red (Tohru)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four scenes. More than 5.5k words. Three big events revealed!!  
> The shoulder scars. The hospital with Ryoutarou.  
> And—'Fine. Then I’ll take the other one instead.'  
> Is Tohru more directly to blame for Nanako's hospitalization than he wants to admit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so many drafts and edits and oh man!! I knew from Okaeri I wanted to flesh out that hospital bit in a really evil way. Then I remembered other incidents that needed elaboration and escalation to show Adachi's total breakdown and merging with his shadow from the game. I hope I convey everything well, and while "enjoying" it is probably a bit much to ask... I hope I'm not asking for too much suspended belief, at least!! ^^;  
> I recently learned the expression "in the red". It means to be in the negatives or in debt. I really struggled with a title with this chapter to follow the last two. Adachi's Izanagi represents "emptiness", so I made Dojima's feelings the opposite: full. And I wanted to carry it even further to show how caged-in Adachi's feeling in this chapter.  
> ->WARNING! This is the most explicit chapter, as mentioned yesterday. It gets pretty fucked. I added the "drunk sex" tag in case that's something that bothers you. I also ended up creating my own for "struck by lightening".

Chapter Zero-Three: In the Red

(Tohru)

 It's the last week of October.

I've been anxious and paranoid, wondering who will be next. I'm concerned things are getting too close to the Dojimas and I  _don't_  want to have to fish either of them out of a television. I don't even know if I  _can_. With my shadow reigning on the other side, I'd be anxious going anywhere near his neighborhood.

I've seen what the  _kids'_  shadows did to  _them_...

_By myself, the outcome looks grim._

_At least Ryoutarou’s been happier._ A little over a week ago I had a bad run-in with a bunch of higher-level shadows and he really freaked. I couldn't help acting off, I felt so defeated already.

_I know things are coming to a head._

The kids are close to Namatame. Namatame is desperate at the fact that the people he keeps throwing in are living.  _Ironically_ —No thanks to him.

_I've felt my own shadow trying to contact me a few times, asking me to interfere..._

_But I don't want Namatame knowing more than he does. He's my out; my scapegoat. If he can connect me to everything else, then I won't be safe anymore._

I'm dragged out of my thoughts when Ryoutarou walks into our office with a fresh mug of coffee, flashing me a grin. "You're cooking tonight?"

"Yep~" I reply, smiling back. "Hope you like cabbage!!"

My partner rolls his eyes. "Do you eat any other vegetables?"

"Hey!" I try to sound wounded. "Onions..."

Ryoutarou laughs and sits on the edge of my desk. "Should I pick anything up?"

"Nope," I tell him. "Just bring you." I throw him a thumbs-up.

"Well," he smirks. "I have a few ideas. Might make a stop. Do you want a ride to Junes?"

"No, it's fine," I assure him. _I need a walk to burn off some of my restlessness. I want a few more good memories before the world falls to shit—For real._

And I can't believe I'm having second thoughts at this stage, but whatever.

_It is what it is._

If I'm found out I'll lose them, so then I'd  _rather_  the world be gone.  _Screw it._

And if fucking Narukami stops Namatame completely, then I win and I get to keep my life here.

Maybe it'll be  _good_. Maybe everything will turn out okay.

Or maybe we'll  _all_  be shadows and not have to worry or care.

I have no idea where this is going, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask—

And ask who? The fucking  _gas nerd_?

Say what— _“ _I'm sorry, but are you perchance a god?”__

Yeah. That'll go well. I  _won't_  be declared mentally incompetent—A fucking looney.

I spin my wheels, getting nothing of value done, until it's time to pack it in for the day. I leave on my own to get ingredients for dinner. I'm thinking okonomiyaki, but I'm not confident I can pull it off.

I end up going for it nonetheless, buying more expensive ingredients than usual. May not even  _need_  money much longer.  _Might as well._

Before Ryoutarou, I spent as little as possible on food and way more on games. I don't have time for games anymore: what with being in a  _relationship_ , holding down a  _job_ , and trying to rip a  _hole in the universe_.

_There's just too much on my plate..._

Haha!!  _Plate_.

Like with food!!

Ha...

Ha......

 _Fuck_.

Shit.

It'll work out...

When I arrive home, of course Ryoutarou's drinking. His jacket and pants are on the floor. He always does that when he's drinking. It's like he can't drink and  _not_  strip.

"Woah!" I nervously laugh. "Gimme a reading on how much you've had..."

"Enough," he retorts, leering. I roll my eyes. "Drop it! I need more. Trust me. I got an  _idea_  for later."

"Oh good..."  _Probably not._

Ryoutarou just laughs and opens another bottle of shochu.

I take a beer out of the fridge and start cooking. "I know you love fried foods~" I comment as I layer the ingredients in a pan.

"Mmph!" Ryoutarou grunts, saluting me with his shochu. He stands near the stove while I cook, making me nervous I’ll mess up.

"So what the hell is your plan here?" I laugh, trying to take his attention off me. I attempt to flip the abomination in the pan, curious why he's on a mission to get so plastered.

He gulps more of his drink and grins crookedly. "I was thinking it's your turn to take the lead tonight.”

"Hu-huh?!" I gape, spinning around to watch him finish off another bottle. He sets the empty jar on the counter.

“But I'm not drunk enough yet.” He’s still grinning sloppily as he opens another one.

"How many are you having?" I slide his dinner onto a plate and start on my own.

"That many," Ryoutarou replies, pointing to a shopping bag near the couch. I pinch my eyes shut, aggravated he’s shooting for completely blasted again. "I want to do this, in  _theory_ , but I think I'm going to have a hard time with it."

I frown. "That's a little...” I fumble my words. “We don't need to—I'm okay with it."

_Ooh hell—That’s a blatant lie._

I  _do_  want to.

I've  _always_  wanted to.

Ryoutarou sits down at the low table to eat his food and I finish cooking mine. I have it right out of the pan, not wanting to have to wash more dishes than necessary. _I should really clean my place…_

_But it seems unimportant when I don't know if I’ll be around in another month or two._

Ryoutarou laughs at that last thing I said aloud—which seems like  _ages_  ago with all the useless arguing I do in my head theses days—and tells me the food tastes good.

It makes me happier than it should. _I never bothered to cook for myself..._

But a part of me wanted to do something nice for him and now I cook a few times a week. It's become an annoying habit.

After dinner, we turn on the television while Ryoutarou drinks more. Nothing interesting on, but it’s better than sitting around silent.

"You’ve’ne too," Ryoutarou commands, shoving a small clear bottle in my hands.

"That's okay," I nervously laugh and try to pass it back to him.

He doesn't give in. "Don'be a  _wuss_ , Tohru." He pulls the tab for me and passes it back again.

I sigh and drink it. _Tastes just as much like rubbing alcohol as the sake he buys._ I can't help but wonder how the hell he can still have a functioning liver.

When it's gone, I turn to him. "Are you done yet?" I ask. "You're going to get smashed..."

"Yeah," he agrees. "Lemme finish..." He shakes the bottle he's currently nursing. "Not much left."

"Ryoutarou," I groan and hold up my own drink. "These are clear. You can just  _look_."

He rolls his eyes. "Don' be a spoilsport. Tha’s not how you do’t..."

I gently kick him in the side after he downs it and sets the jar on the floor. "Show me you can walk in a straight line," I giggle, suddenly finding it super-funny that I'm a criminal and he's a drunkard—and we’re the only detectives for the prefecture.  _Real classic pair._

He stands and almost falls over, then slowly makes his way to the kitchen.

" _No—!_ " I moan. "Don't drink anything else—"

"I jus’ wan’ a snack..."

I sigh and collect the empty bottles around the room. "I have caramel corn, chocolate potato chips, an~nd," I elongate the word, opening a cabinet. "Straight-up chocolate."

He frowns. "Don’ like that."

I shrug and shut the door. "Then don't eat anything." I walk back to the couch and take my usual seat.

Ryoutarou stumbles back and I expect him to sit down and just pass out, his earlier proclamation forgotten— _Which is probably for the best._

He does  _not_. Instead, he gets in front of me so I can't see the news, then drops down on top of my legs like a sack of bricks.

"Oww,  _fuck_!!" I scream. "What the hell?!"

He just grins and grabs me behind the neck, pulling himself closer. "So..." he trails off.

" _Nuh-uh_ ," I push him away. "Sober up a little!" He shakes his head, then blinks a bunch of times like he's dizzy. "Don't make it hard for me to do the right thing," I groan.

_Sometimes I truly don't know why the fuck I like him so much—_

He still gets  _so blasted_  at least twice a week. And it's no fun cause I don't  _really_  want to do anything too shitty.

Don't know why I had to develop a moral backbone  _now_. I  _am_  already a murderer...

_But fuck it's hard to ignore sometimes..._

"Were doin’ it b’fore I change m’damn mind," Ryoutarou declares. "Tha's why I took my pants off firs'."

" _Oh hell..._ "

Isn't that the  _freakin’ opposite_  of what people are told to do when they drink?  _Worst fucking cop in the country._

"Shut up, Tohru," he enunciates and tries to kiss me.

_I know I'll end up giving in. I always want to give in to whatever he wants. And it's starting to be draining. I have so many other things I need to take care of as it is._

"Toe-rue!" Ryoutarou pronounces my name loudly and chuckles.

And that's why I do it. No one has ever acted  _so happy just to be around me_ or  _looked_  at me like that. Like I'm  _important_.

I sigh and lean forward to kiss him.

"Tha's the spirit!" he smirks.

I still don't feel great about this, but he's certainly not complaining, leaning all his weight on me, now. I wrap my arms around him and wonder what the hell I should be doing. It’s weird because I almost always let him take the lead—We're both control freaks, but I also like being taken care of, whereas it makes him extremely uncomfortable.

He acts totally lost if he’s not in control of a situation—Like it's the most foreign,  _terrifying_  thing in the world... And  _that_  makes me want to take charge even more.

_Bad cycle._

I don't quite know how I end up naked first. Completely escapes my notice that he's still wearing boxers until they brush against my foot—Wait  _huh_?

Ryoutarou's head's down by my crotch, and now I'm a bit alarmed. "You-you don't—Don't  _want_  to do that," I insist, scrambling backwards.

"Wh’not?" he questions, unfazed, and then he's got his mouth on me and I don't think I can talk. I'm barely able to even let out a moan.

He chuckles and I feel it vibrate all through me.  _Shit_.

Shit.

Shit.

_Fuck._

I can't help thrusting; he's using his hand too and I don't know what the fuck he's doing but it doesn't feel like anything I've ever had done to me before.

And _ooh—What even—What the fucking fuck—_

He's touching  _himself_ , too.

This is— _Not_  good.

_I feel like I'm losing control of myself again, like that first time._

There's a surge of panic and I shove Ryoutarou away from me, register his surprise as he falls on the floor. It doesn’t seem to bother him, though. He laughs like I've made a joke and climbs to his feet. Then he tries to slide his boxers off without leaning on anything—And that  _is_  kinda funny cause he’s having trouble balancing.

Except then it’s less humorous because I  _instinctively_ know in my gut this is a bad _bad_ idea—But he's pulling me to my feet, still grinning like an idiot. "Sta-a-ay," he slowly orders between snickers, holding up a hand.

I feel like I'm in trapped. Like there's a haze hanging over my mind. "I don't think—"

"A'right. C'mere," Ryoutarou tells me, leaning against the couch.  _And fuck, unless he explicitly tells me to stop now I don't—_

I still feel dazed as I move closer to him, holding him from behind—

I instinctively bite his shoulder and—

I feel like I'm combusting—

I feel like electricity is—

_That’s never happened before—_

Wait no.  _No_.

 _That's_ —

_NONONONO!!!!_

Did I just—

Oh please fucking  _no_!

I jolt back to myself, my brain firing at  _warp-speed, absolute red alert_!

That's never happened without my  _meaning_  to—And never happened  _over here_!

It's just as godawful as I thought—maybe  _slightly_  better—I don't think he's dead— _Definitely not conscious, but not dead!!_

His shoulder is missing— _uh_ —pieces, however.

 _Several_.

Like a lightning strike hit him smack there.

That's totally normal...

_Lighting hitting people indoors..._

Right. Right...

_Not my fault…_

Right.

 _No_ _—_ _Not right!!_

I'm one-hundred percent absolutely  _fucked_.

_What should I...?_

_‘The television!’_

_‘Throw him in here!’_

Huh? That didn't  _feel_  like me thinking it...

_But..._

_I dismiss it quickly, because if I can get him in there, maybe I can patch it up. I've been practicing dia... And... Stuff..._

And nothing should've worked  _out here_  to begin with and why— _How_ —

I scratch my head hard, attempting to figure this out.

_'You're welcome.'_

_—what?!_

_Fuck. I’ll just go in and maybe..._

_Oh hell it isn't going to work right._ But I need to do  _something_  to put him back together. Or I might as well just end it all and take the world with me right now like I planned...

I haul my TV off its table, once again, and place it on the floor. He'll fit as long as I can freaking lift him.

Without considering how other worlds get set up, I shove him through the television ahead of me, then dive in myself…

…and I land on my feet a little closer to the door than he does.

 _Door_...?

_This is our office._

But my desk isn't here. Just his. It’s really  _dark_ , too.

I know it’s definitely our office, though.

And the only other things here are a  _gun_ , on his desk beside a full liquor bottle of who-the-fuck-knows-what.

I spin around, confused. But I stop dead when I look up at the ceiling.

There's...

...a  _noose_  tied to a rafter next to Ryoutarou's desk.

_Okay._

I snap my gaze down, not wanting to know. That’s when I notice the words scratched into the floor—I don’t read them.

_Oh-frigging-kay. This's a bit heavy-handed._

Don’t want to know.

_I get the fucking message._

_He wants to off himself._

If this is like everyone else's, though, he probably doesn't know how suicidal he is. I'm gonna hope for that.

I  _seriously_  need to get him the fuck out of here ASAP!!

But first—

I hurry over to Ryoutarou, trying to concentrate enough to remember how to heal. It looks freaking terrible!  _I can see goddamm bone!!_

" _Wow!_  I thought you were slacking off, but this time you brought one right to me~" I hear my own voice whistle. "Hurry up and  _go away_. I can't come in until they meet their shadow... Just another minute or so..."

" _No!_ " I violently roar. "You can't have him!" I've managed to close up the worst of it, but it's not any good. I can't repair all the damage I caused.

_I caused._

_Me_.  _To someone who would actually_ —

"He  _loves_  us!!"

I try fixing him up again, not really knowing how much power I even have left. I've never healed someone else—Never even crossed my mind.

" _Ahahahaha~~_ " I hear my voice cackle, sounding completely crazed. More deranged than me. "He only loves  _you_. He would  _never love me_. And I am you—” He cuts himself off with more insane laughter.

“ _So he will never truly love you_." He pauses. " _Leave him_ ," he orders. "We'll take real good care of him... Those stupid brats will never show up in time for  _this_  round!"

"No!" I shriek again. " _No, he's mine!!_ "

I hook my arms under Ryoutarou's shoulders—hoping I don’t make the wounds worse—and clasp him to me, still roaring vehemence wildly at my other self. I can hear footsteps coming down the hallway—Can't be  _good_  news—

I growl out one final, guttural “ _no_ ” and the next thing I’m aware of is that we're being propelled back out of my large television. We land hard on the floor, with him on top of me. Thankfully he hasn't come-to.

Cause I need to figure out a way to make this look like some  _natural_  accident...

Panting, shaking, _really fucking terrified_ that I've finally ruined everything for good, I manage to drag him onto my bed and take a better look at the mess I've made.

His shoulder is  _whole_. That's  _something_. It's a mangled mess: semi-healed cuts and bruises and weird zag-y marks.

At least it  _looks_  whole. I gingerly raise his arm and rotate it, move it in small circles. I meet normal resistance. I won't know anything more until he's conscious again...

" _Fuck_!" I moan and sit on the floor, curling into myself.  _I really fucked up this time..._

_Maybe I should've left him there. Then I wouldn't have to explain it to him—Feed him another damaging lie._

I feel a nagging in my brain. It keeps saying ‘ _we need to get rid of him’_ —that ‘ _he's one of our weaknesses’_.

"Nnrgh—" I clutch at my head and yank my hair. "Shut up!  _Shut up shut up shut up!!!_ " I'm on my feet, pacing. "That's  _not_  what I want!!"

My unplugged television shows static all of a sudden. "Shit!” I spit. “ _Fucking get lost!!_ "

_'Keep feeding me! Throw him back in... I think there's somebody who'd like to meet him...'_

" _Noooooo!!"_  I roar, raising my television up above my head in one intense feat of strength, and launching it into the wall—It cracks in half in a flash of light, sparks flying through the air. It's so intensely bright I have to look away and cover my eyes.

_Well at least I have my excuse for how he got effing electrocuted..._

But I know it isn’t over. With the explosion came one final, smug threat that I’ll  _never_  be able to shake.

_‘Fine. Then I’ll take the other one instead.’_

I pretend—as best I can—that  _I didn’t hear anything_. Nothing but white noise.

I cling to the ‘ _fact_ ’ that _I heard nothing but static_ , and run to the toilet to puke—I don’t quite make it.

When I retch, I can tell it’s dinner and booze, but everything spews out  _black_.

It coats the floor and toilet in the darkest, dullest color I’ve ever seen.

I’m almost too afraid to clean it after.

\---***---

 _This is the end of line._  Today is the last day I can be here.

Nanako is definitely coming back today— _no thanks to me_ —and they're going to know whose fault this is.

_(‘Fine. Then I’ll take the other one instead.’)_

_I_ set everything in motion. It's _my_ fault and I can either run away or own it.

And I think I’m going to own it because either way I lose—And I’d rather go down swinging.

_(‘Fine. Then I’ll take the other one instead.’)_

I push the intrusive memory from my head as I approach the elevator.

_It's early. I don't think anyone will be up to visit Ryoutarou yet, so I can spend a little time with him before I have to push him away for good. That’s—_

_No..._

There’s no way around it.

I used him—I took advantage. I have to at least make him hate me enough to  _keep the fuck away_.

I've brought two cups of black coffee. This will be the last time I ever fucking drink coffee. I don't want to have to remember all this.

Today I bought my own coffee black— _His way._

I step into the private room and can see that he's still sleeping. I shut the door and lock it behind me, worried one of the damn kids will figure it out and come for me.

I pull a chair up to the edge of his bed and call his name. Ryoutarou rouses and yawns.

"Morning, Tohru." He smiles up at me.

"I brought coffee from the bakery. You want it?" I amiably ask, pushing the anxiety down for now.

Ryoutarou nods and sits up. I pass him the coffee and feel sad the last time I get to see him will be in that damn hospital gown...

"How are you feeling today, Ryoutarou?"  _Will this be the last time I get to say his name?_

_He prefers ‘Ryou’, but I don’t. I use his full name because I know no one else does—Maybe never did._

_Just me._

"Shitty," he tells me, and I falter for a second, worried he’s replying to my thoughts. "My head still hurts. Ribs are cracked or broken. My foot hurts to walk on... Jammed the damn thing when I was thrown..."

_This is my fault—_

_My fault that he got so hurt—_

_My fault he and Nanako are stuck in here._

I don't realize I'm squeezing my paper cup until some of the coffee sloshes out and burns my fingers. I wipe my hand on my jacket, staining it—But then realizing I won't need it anymore.

"You...?" Ryoutarou asks me, shaking his head. "Don't look so great." He rests his hand on my arm. “You shouldn’t spend all your time here—I know you’re still working, too... And picking up _my_ slack for once.”

I plaster on that plastic smile I've gotten so good at hiding behind. "I'm okay! But I can't stay too long, today... Is there anything that you need?"

He asks me if I locked the door and I reply affirmatively. "Then I  _would_  like it if I could hold you..." he trails off, embarrassed.

It's a little dark in here to see if he's turned red, but I'd put money on it. _I love how awkward he always is with open physical contact._

_It's one of the things that made me want to be this way with him in the first place—_

The challenge versus reward. I liked that _I'd_ be the only one who got that kind of attention.

I smile. "Sounds good to me," I tell him as I shrug of my jacket. I climb up on the bed and settle in next to him.

Both of us leaning back against the wall, Ryoutarou puts his arm around me and pulls me to him with a sigh. "It's been too long that I've been here. I've missed this. Glad I can move around on my own now, but it's not enough... I've got to get out of here."

We sip our coffee in silence. I won't be able to finish this sludge, but I wanted one last taste of the bitter, sour, scalding crap that never fails to make his day.

"Done." Ryoutarou throws his cup to the trash can, it falls pretty short. He chuckles sadly at that and shakes his head. "Are you finished yet?"

"Sure," I reply, setting down what’s left of my cup on a table I can reach.

One side of his mouth turns up in a sloppy grin. "If you're not keeping me company for your whole day off, I think you should make it up to me before you go."

"Oh _yeah_?" I jibe. "What do you want me to do?" I snug myself even closer. Careful not to lean on him anywhere that'll hurt. "Are you wearing...?" I ask, feeling for the end of the hospital poncho.

Ryoutarou barks out a sarcastic laugh. "They don't give me any dignity here."

"Makes it easier for me, at least," I tell him, finding what I'm looking for.

"Wait," he groans. "I want..." I pause, not entirely sure  _what_  the hell he wants. I'm close enough that I know he's definitely blushing, now. "No one should come by for a while... _I want to make love to you._ "

Oh.

_Oh boy._

That's  _not_  the best idea for how today is supposed to go—Never mind the wording. 

 _You_ _can't_ _love me at all._

This is the end of the line.

_That would be even more traumatizing—_

Well, it's  _definitely_  not going to go  _well_ , but—

_I need to push him away now, and get the fuck out!_

But I don’t want to—

While I was thinking, he had wrapped his arms around me. He strains to pull me onto his lap, grunting with the effort. " _Please._ " He looks so vulnerable— _I can't say no._

_I can't do it._

I don't want to tell him ‘ _no’_.

_It's the last time I'll ever get to—I don't want to pass up this chance._

_I want him against me—I want that connection one more time._

It's so selfish of me, but we’re already on our way. He's working at my buckle with his big hands, and I can't help smiling a little at his clumsiness.

After this, I'll find the right time...

_I will._

I let him carry me along with his idea, following his lead. It's great— _has_  been a while—until tells me what's on his mind.

"Tohru," he softly asserts. "When this is over—when I'm out of the hospital—I want you to move in with me." I can hear him grinding his teeth, struggling with the words. "I don't know how long until Nanako is better and I—I need you—really  _need_  you."

I feel cold all over. I shudder.

_I can't do that._

_I'm the reason you're both here._

I can't  _do_ _this_ anymore!!

I'm sitting stone-still, and Ryoutarou's still going at it, hasn't noticed, when there's a knock at the door. He jolts to a stop, then, too.

"Dojima-san?" a voice calls. "Are you awake in there? Why's the door closed?" Whoever it is rattles the handle.

Ryoutarou sighs and leans his head against me. "I just wanted to be alone for a while," he calls in a strained voice. "I'm alright. Can I have a few minutes?"

"Yes, that's okay..." So they say, but don't sound too sure. We're quiet until we can hear the receding footsteps.

Ryoutarou sighs heavily. "Nn.  _This_..." He shakes his head. "Probably not my best idea..." He huffs out some laughter then starts moving again, nonetheless.

I know— _I know_  that he's talking about what we're doing right this second...

But a part of me can't help but recognize that's how our whole relationship is for me.

Now I have people who depend on me. Now I have people who ' _love_ ' me.

Now I have people who _I'm putting through _hell__. People who are going to hurt when they know I've  _betrayed_  them. That's not what I want. But it's too late to change it—Even though—

_Now I have more to lose._

I can hear that nagging whisper in the back of my mind.

_‘Let me take over.’_

_‘You know you need to break this off. Right. Now.’_

_‘I’ll do it for you…”_

"Ngh—" I groan, clutching my head.

All I can think— _I'll do it._

" _Shit!_ "

"Hey, what—" Ryoutarou asks, pulling back. I see his eyes widen and I wonder what I'm giving away on my face. His expression is— _Fearful._

Good. That’s what I need.

I'll do what I have to—I'll tell him.

Now is my chance.

I'll tell him and then find a TV to escape into. I'll be happier as a shadow. I'll be happier letting that part of me take over and run rampant.

\---***---

Inside my own world. I stalk around, aggravated and twitchy.

"Things were starting to turn around!" I yell at no one.

"What—You think you can just  _get rid of me_? You think you can throw me away like everyone else does to  _us_?"

I feel so _empty_ , all of a sudden, as  _he_  materializes in front of me. Out of thin air.

_I haven’t felt this empty since—_

"I just helped you sever your last tie to those fools. We're free now~" The other me strides forward, waving his gun. "What?! you actually thought any of it would  _last_? You're right—I'm  _not_  you!  _You're fucking dumber than I thought!!_ " He guffaws, bending over from the waves of laughter that shake his body.

" _Enough!!_ " I clutch at my head, yanking my hair— _He needs to just shut the fuck up!_

"Ooh, I'm  _sure_  it would all be just fine after Ryoutarou found out it was us, huh? He'd be perfectly happy forgiving us for _nearly _killing the rest of his family__.” He strides around, waving his gun all over the place.

I’m on the ground, my head throbbing, throbbing,  _throbbing_ —Can’t think—

“Why—Why’d you take her?! It was going to get better—”

“Yup! It'd be  _great_! Ryoutarou would finally tell people you're together, too, yeah? You'd have a  _real_  family!! Then we could stay a stupid sticks cop forever, and— _Hey_! In your fantasy-world they'd even give us a real gun again!! Yep!  _That's_  the way!" he wickedly chortles.

"Ngh!  _NO!_ " I clamor and draw my revolver—Empty all the rounds into him point-blank.

_Nothing changes—I feel sick._

_Emptiness._

_No hope._

The bullets smack into his chest, but pop back out, clattering to the ground. "Hah! That's not gonna work! I'm  _you_! You can't kill  _you_! You're too much of a goddamm coward!!" he laughs. "You have to accept that  _I'm here, and here to stay_. You need to admit that I'm you and we're in this  _together_.” He straightens, playing with his own gun. “And maybe be a little more goddamm thankful that I did  _your_  dirty work!"

I grit my teeth.  _No_. I need to get rid of him—I’ve kept this part of me locked up so long—So many years. I can do it.

_He's not me!!_

“You’re not—”

The yellow-eyed me glares. “Come off it!” he sharply demands. "You're not weak, now. Accept me!"

“No, I’m—”

"Oh, c’mon!! Let me in.” He walks even closer, until we’re toe-to-toe. “And  _we_  can take them down!" he urgently hisses. "Do it!! I’m the you we long to be! We can still fix this!! I can feel people following you. They'll be here soon.  _Let me in!_ "

_I'm in is this far. I should just admit it's my only option..._

That  _is_  me.

It’s who I am.

If I'm going to die anyway, I told myself I should just give up the act, right?

_It'd be better to end this as me._

"That's the spirit," he urges. I hear him whisper something else as the yellow-eyed me turns to a stream of red mist. " _Persona non grata_."

The cloud floats towards me and I breathe it in.

\---***---

I finally have a chance to see myself in a mirror. I've healed enough that I have to give my official confession tomorrow, so I was allowed to clean myself up a little.

Staring at myself now, I  _know_ —

I know  _exactly_  what frightened Ryo—

 _Dojima-san_ —

 _Distance_ , I firmly remind myself.

Leaving that other sentence unfinished, I raise my hands up to my face. I use the right to hold my eyelids open, and the other to firmly poke at my eyeball.

_Feels normal. Feels like it’s connected to my body. Not an illusion..._

But ooh no—I fucking  _know_!

_My eyes—_

_They're not mine._

They're  _yellow_  now.

Like  _his_.

_Am I really me?_

I look down at my body...

 _Looks_  like me.

I pat myself down.

 _Feels_  like me.

 _Sounds_  like me—I don’t hear  _his_  voice anymore—No more of the threats—

But somewhere deep inside, I can intuit with every teeny-tiny piece of my being that I’m  _stronger_ , more  _resilient_ , and definitely more  _powerful_.

Because now I'm  _two_  instead of  _one_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	4. Three’s a Crowd, but Four’s a New Party (Yukiko)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says the main topic! Yukiko, Kanji, Adachi, and Dojima get together to make a plan. There is a load of bickering and not a whole lot gets decided, except that Adachi is an asshole... Mukidashite's first Yukiko chapter!!  
> ((UPDATED 5/23/17 at 3pm after further consideration and discussion on asexuality.))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so happy to write a Yukiko chapter!!! She is one of my favorites, but I ended up setting her up as really busy (because wouldn't she be?), so she hasn't hung with the others much in-story.  
> I've outlined the rest of the chapters that I haven't written and it looks like fifteen main plus the three prologue: eighteen total! I am also thinking about only posting on weekdays as a permanent thing so I have weekends at large to play catch-up. It went well this weekend! I wrote three whole chapters, extra scenes, and the first draft of the shadow encounter. So thanks for accepting my time off~  
> If you're curious, the chapter breakdown for the rest of Watakushi is going pan out as: Tohru 3, Ryoutarou 5, Nanako 3, Teddie 2, Kanji 1.  
> (If you're interested in where I'm at, I'm having a CRAP time with the shadow encounter. More than the expected one shadow is cropping up, and I mentioned to one commenter that another shadow is trying to "Teddie"... So I have a big decision to make. Grooooan! When I get in the zone, the words begin flying out of my hands as I think them and then I have to stop myself and reassess after.)  
> LAST thing!! I ended up creating a [Twitter](https://twitter.com/akaicchi_chosha) for my fanfiction writing. Connect with me if you have time~

Chapter One: Three’s a Crowd, but Four’s a New Party

(Yukiko)

"Wow!" I gasp. "We haven’t had a day like that in a long time!"

"I know," Kanji grunts. "And I doubt this is the last of it. Some shadow set Adachi up because it wanted him to call out Izanagi again."

"Mm," I nod. "It's always better to be prepared."

Kanji grunts out a little laugh. "You sure don't change, Yuki-chan!"

I smile easily. "Why change something good?" He laughs again. When he's calmed down, I ask how I can help.

"I don't know," my childhood friend tells me with a pained expression. "We're going to work on a plan tomorrow, before Nanako gets home. You should come by. If we end up going into the TV World I want you with us. You're strong and have a cooler head."

"Why would we go there?" I ask, lost.

Kanji groans. "Adachi has this bright idea to get Dojima a persona. He's being dodgy about why, but he claims Ojisan has a shadow in there already."

"Oh  _no_ ," I worry. "That isn't good..."

"No." Kanji scratches his head, one of his thinking tics. "You're the only healer here besides Nanako—And if we do go take on his shadow, she shouldn't come."

"It wouldn’t be pretty," I agree.

Kanji shakes his head, sighing. "We shouldn't let family see each other's shadows. I know just  _hearing_  your shadow set off Chie-san! They told me she freaking charged ahead."

"Mm... They told me it was ugly."

"I'm thinking you, me, Adachi, Dojima— _If_  we go. Ted and Nanako can stay here. If we leave both behind maybe they won’t feel as left out." Kanji concludes, checking the time. "Okay! I've gotta get home. Just keep an eye out... I told you Kubo's been hanging around. And we don't know who else might be stalking the town."

"All right. I'll be careful," I seriously reply, nodding.

"Good!" Kanji grins. I walk him to the front door of the inn and he waves.

"Bye, Kan-chan!" I giggle as he walks to his car, shaking his head at the old nickname.

\---***---

"I'll be back in a while!" I wave to the front desk at lunchtime. I exit through the inn's rear entrance, walking to the garage.

I'm the only one who still rides my moped.  _It's too fun to give up!_  I can't help bringing it out from time to time.

The drive from my inn to the Dojima residence is pleasant— _Just as I remember it._ I've always loved being outside. The worst of the summer heat is starting to dissipate; soon it will be getting cooler again.

When I arrive, I park my bike in front of the garage and carry the helmet under my arm. I'm surprised when I try the door, but find it locked.  _They never locked the door before..._

In a few seconds, though it's opening and a familiar face is peeking out distrustfully. I take a step back. "O-oh. Right! Yes... Adachi... Right." I squint at him, hoping he's not the only one here.

He breaks out into a smile though, ignoring my awkwardness. "Oh, hi Yukiko-chan!" He swings the door open. "Come  _right_  in~"

I hold my helmet in front of me, as if for protection. He backs away and I walk inside. "Please excuse the intrusion," I call, slipping off my shoes.

"Hi, Yukiko," Dojima calls from the living room.  _Oh good!_

"Whew," I sigh in relief. I see Adachi frown briefly, but then he changes back to bubbly, shutting and locking the door behind us. "How are you feeling?" I ask the older man, planning to avoid Adachi.

But the rat slips by me and plants himself on the couch right next to the other man. _So much for that..._

"Jeez," Dojima complains, shoving his old partner away. "Give me some space." Adachi folds his arms, but does scoot a few inches to his right. "I'm feeling better today. And I  _am_  a little more up to speed. How have you been?"

"Good," I smile and lean against the table.

The dialogue seems to die down after that...

"Ah," Dojima vocalizes. "Kanji should be here soon. Help yourself to some coffee."

"Thanks," I reply and take a seat at the tall table. I shrug off my backpack and pull out my laptop. "I should work on the books if I have free time," I explain to the others. Dojima nods while Adachi looks disinterested.

When another key rattles the door, I see Adachi move into Dojima's personal space again. The other man grunts and shoves him away, to which Adachi responds with an actual  _growl_ , then plants himself even closer. Dojima groans, but ignores the outburst—Is this how he usually acts now?

 _Thank god_  it's Kanji at the door! I turn to him with wide eyes and a set mouth. I hope he can telepathically realize the total weirdness of the situation. He sighs and scratches his neck. "Crazy not behaving already?" I hear Dojima snigger and have to smile myself.

"Mornin', Kanji-kun~" Adachi sneers.

Kanji, surprisingly, ignores him and walks to the dining area with me. He digs around in his pocket and drops a bunch of keys on the table. Dojima gestures for me to take one, so I add it to my own keyring.

“I want  _mine_  back!” Adachi demands, stomping over to Kanji. Kanji rolls his eyes and hands it to the other man, who shoves it swiftly in his pocket as though Kanji might try to take it from him again.

Then Adachi stalks back to the couch to sit next Dojima again. The older man sticks his arm out to keep the younger one away.

“ _Tohru_ ,” Dojima sighs, sounding exhausted.

Adachi harrumphs and jams his body right into Dojima’s arm, pushing it away. I think Dojima is going to punch him like he used to, and am _very_ surprised when he just shakes his head and lets it go.

_Huh..._

Kanji flips a chair around and sits with his arms resting on the back. "If we're gonna do this, it should be the four of us." I nod in agreement and the other two stay silent.

"I bet a navigator would help, though..." I voice, concerned.

"Yeah," Kanji replies. "That’s a good idea. But I don't wanna bring Ted, and Rise's usually busy."

Adachi squints. "That idol bitch?"

I feel my face twist into a foul look and he holds up his hands and asks what he did wrong. _It doesn’t help that I know he’s doing it on purpose._

"She's fine," Dojima sighs. "Play nice or get lost." He jerks his thumb toward the stairs.

"A-anyway. I'll call her if you want, Yuki-chan."

"That would be a good idea," I tell Kanji.

Dojima keeps glancing at Adachi, looking lost. I decide to explain. “Some of us have abilities that let us see what's ahead so we don't run into too much trouble. They can also detect shadows' weaknesses and let us know if we're going in the right direction."

"The right direction?" Dojima repeats questioningly.

Kanji nods. "Yeah. It's usually like a maze. The are often dead ends—Sometimes with really powerful guys waiting for you!"

Dojima glances back at Adachi, who seems content to let us expound. "A-and how do you, ah, fight them?"

Adachi laughs at that, finally speaking up. "I  _shoot_  them."

"Wh-what?!" Dojima raises his voice. "You don't—" He frowns. "Tohru. Do you have a  _gun_  here?"

"Yes _Sir_!" Adachi jokingly salutes, then he turns serious, reading Dojima’s mood as sour. "But just _one_!"

Kanji looks unnerved, and I can't say this is  _good_  news.

" _Any_  gun is a parole violation jackass!" Dojima groans.

"No it's fine!" Adachi placates. "I made them— _it_ —myself!"

Kanji looks like he’s going to be ill—A look that changes to disgust when Adachi  _actually pulls a small handgun out of his pocket_! I gasp.

He waves the thing around as though it isn't a dangerous. "No big deal, see? It's a modifi—" He stops when Dojima wrenches it from his grasp, appearing downright  _furious_.

When the older man regains some of his composure, he checks the chambers.  _Empty. Good._

"Clear. " Dojima removes the chamber puts the pieces in separate pockets. " _I'll_  be holding on to this."

Adachi glares. "I lied. I have _more_ ~" he goads.

Dojima shakes his head. "I'm really going to kill you."

"M-moving on," Kanji stammers. "Naoto-chan used to use a gun, too. It's not  _that_  far out." Dojima still seems suspicious.

"Guns. Regular guns," he dubiously starts. "Can  _kill_  demons?"

"I use traditional fans!" I exclaim, unable to contain myself.

"It's dependent on the person and their personality," Adachi explains. "What are you good at?"

Dojima looks sideways at him. "I don't know..."

"You ever play a sport?" Kanji asks.

"Judo, but not in years."

I shake my head. "I certainly wouldn't want to grapple with a shadow."

"I had an idea," Adachi interrupts, smiling excitedly.

Dojima gestures for him to speak.

"A flamethrower!  _It'd be perfect!!_ "

"Ah," Dojima utters. "I don't think we'd be able to find one."

"We know a guy," Kanji tells Dojima. "You want a flamethrower? It'd be badass!!"

Dojima nods. "I guess. They're not hard to operate."

"Then that's settled!" Adachi chimes.

"What will my shadow be like?" Dojima muses aloud.

Kanji glances at me, twitching a little. "What are you fears?" he asks. "And, uh, is there anything we should know about you that you don't tell anybody?"

"Like what?" Dojima disapprovingly inquires.

"W-well," Kanji stammers. "Your shadow is all the stuff you try to hide from everyone. All the embarrassing, needy—but _true_ —bullshit you don't want anyone to know."

"Hahaha!!" Adachi bursts into a fit of laughter. "His was  _sooo gay_!!"

Dojima stares at him like he's the stupidest person on earth.

" _You're_  gay!" Kanji shouts, totally red.

"I think you need to work on your burns, Kanji-kun," I sigh.

He shakes his head. "No. He's  _literally_  gay!" I glance from Kanji to Adachi, who are glowering at each other.

"No, dumbass! I don't  _fit_  into your neat little definitions," Adachi snorts, folding his arms.

Kanji rolls his eyes and groans, but leans back, off the offensive. 

"I really don't think that should be a problem for someone as _revolting_ as you," I smile sweetly at Adachi.

He elbows Dojima, looking smug. "Yeah someone who likes me would be the _lowest of the low_ , right?" I don't know why he's grinning so much. It's not a  _compliment_...

Dojima looks like he wants to speak, so we wait. He clears his throat. "I think we should all think hard before we say anything else."

"But what kind of a disgusting, depraved, _insane_ —"

"Let's  _all_... Try to be  _understanding_  of one another." Dojima's rubbing his temples.

"Aww," Adachi coos, showing off a shit-eating smirk. "He  _does_  have feelings!" He pinches Dojima's cheek and I think I'm about to see Yuu's uncle go _berserk_!

"Wh-why don't we change the subject?" Kanji tries.

"Hmm," Adachi hums. "I believe I have it on tape, Kanji-kun! We could watch it for research purposes!" he smirks.

"You-you  _what_?!" I squeak. The words just pour out before I can stop them. "That—that's  _sick_! You taped everyone's shadows?!"

Dojima glances at each of us, ignorance clearly coloring his confusion.

Kanji is white as a sheet.

Adachi is smiling nervously. "Kidding! _Joking!!_ Even I wouldn't do such a thing... A-ha ha..."

"If you did, I will beat the _shit_ out of you," Kanji darkly intones.

"Why don't we all take a few minutes away and then talk again?" Dojima asks, regarding the obvious tension. He pulls out a cigarette and Adachi holds up a lighter placatingly.

"Yes," I agree. "Kanji-kun. Let's go for a little walk." Kanji stands and follows me to the door. I can hear the other two men arguing as we exit.

Outside, I pat him on the back. "Are you okay?" I ask. _His shadow was one of the worst and most persistent._

"Meh," he grunts. "He's impossible to get along with." I give him a wry smile. "Things are a lot easier when Nanako's around. He's pretty attached to her and tones it down... But it's a freaking pain in the ass—Having to deal with his mood swings and general assery.”

"I bet." I sit on the front step. "Is that why you asked me?"

" _Yeah_ ," Kanji openly admits. "And calling Rise is a good idea. I'd like to outnumber Crazy if he's going to come with us."

I tuck some hair behind my ear, keeping it out of my face. "Why does he need to come? He's not one of _us_. He's the opposite of us—He tried to end the world."

_You can't change facts._

I sigh. “Adachi said that he would live be the rules, but what rules? That’s too vague.”

Kanji voices his agreement and sinks to a squat in front of me, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know why—seriously—but in case you didn't notice, he's all over Ojisan. I told you how he brought him back yesterday... And— _ugh_ —Dojima says he  _loves_  him."

Kanji rolls his eyes, obviously finding this repulsive. "Nanako seems to think he's okay and there's no way he's going to let us take Dojima into a TV without coming along. Ever since the stuff yesterday Adachi won't even let him take a piss alone, for fuck's sake!!"

I can't help giggling at the last part. "They're both so stubborn, I can't see how they get along."

Kanji snorts, looking pained. "Yeah, you're not the only one."

"Ooh!" I connect the dots. "That's why he was so upset earlier!"

"Yup..." Kanji takes out his phone. "I'll shoot Rise a text, then we should go back in."

“Let’s make this work!” I try to be encouraging, even if our ‘party’ feels a bit doomed. “We’ve never met an enemy we couldn’t defeat. If we can learn to work together, we can do it!”

I  _do_  believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	5. Secrets and White Lies (Ryoutarou)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji and Yukiko leave and the other two argue. Then Ryoutarou has a nightmare-flashbacky-thing. Nanako and Teddie come home. A phone call from Sakamoto! And he’s asking why it sounded like a haunted house yesterday. See notes for TWO WARNINGS this chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: The suicide tag is for this chapter specifically. I'm also hinting at abuse from the far past ("far past" as in before the game and before Tohru was police and came to Inaba etc). Nothing graphic, but a heads-up as the topics can be triggering for some people.  
> Additional Information: A Code Grey is the general color code for a violent patient in hospitals in the Northeast (US). It varies by region and I couldn’t find anything for Japan. And y’all know I do my research... So I’m going with that one.  
> ...  
> UPDATE on LAST CHAPTER: I’ve spoken with and outlined my ideas on Adachi and his (what I’m calling asexuality) to one of my close friends who is asexual. We do glance back on it in the chapter after this one (Tohru chapter), but today’s is a Ryoutarou... Any ideas and challenges are welcome. I don’t want to do anything too problematic or incorrect, so thank you to the one person who left a comment on it, and I welcome more dialogue if I’m wrong. Back to me bouncing ideas off the person I know—(There are three individuals I know who have shared their personal stories with me and I conferred with one this morning. Jump in on the comment thread from the last chapter for more information.) He thought it works okay with Adachi’s manipulativeness, attachment issues, and that the delivery of the line went well with how he presents like he's above everybody else and knows more, even if he’s a little off-base. So I’m continuing on for now in the same trajectory with this. I hope that explains it sufficiently for now and I hope I haven't offended anyone.  
> Thank you for the support and question!!

Chapter Two: Secrets and White Lies

(Ryoutarou)

 

"Finally!" Tohru heaves a sigh, slamming the lock into place. "That Yukiko acts all innocent, but she's got a sharp tongue!"

" _Really?_ " I gripe, folding my arms. "How would you describe your own attitude?"

Tohru cups his chin, striking a pose like he's seriously considering the answer. "Well you’ve called me ‘ _charming_ ’!"

I stare hard until he waves me away, going to the fridge for something unhealthy, probably.

_I don't want to get into this... I don't think I'll like the answers._

But I have to know what he's like... With other people. How he treats them. Which has been proven to be dismissively— _At best._

_Like they don't matter._

"Tohru," I start with a heavy tone. "Did they really all show up on television?" I ask. "Everyone's televisions? The whole town could see those kids' deepest fears and shortcomings?"

_How did I miss this?_

Tohru nods, twitchy. He caps his soda and grips the bottle tightly.

_I don't want to ask. I don't want to know._

I sigh.

"And you  _enjoyed_  it? You really recorded all that?" I don't understand.

He tentatively nods again. "That's how I am." Tohru coolly eyes me. "And now it might be useful. Guess I really planned ahead!" He smiles at the end.

 _Smiles_.

My head throbs and I raise a hand to my temple. I want to smack that goddamm smile off his face. I can feel my hands have balled into fists instinctively.

“Go ahead,” Tohru says. He stares sardonically down at my fists, but the smile changes—It's more sad this time. "Hit me." He's speaking oddly quietly. "I don't mind. I'll even pretend that it hurts."

I grind my teeth, forcing my fingers to uncurl, but only growing angrier. "How are you so strong?” I manage. I wave hand up and down. “There isn't much  _to_  you!"

His reply is a single word, spoken charily. " _Secrets._ "

"You know by now I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt," I lecture. "But it isn’t easy when you tell me that you enjoy people's pain."

Tohru puts his soda back in the fridge and stalks toward me. He grabs my shirt by the collar and roughly yanks me down to his level. "I can't go back and change any of it. Yes, it was fun for a while and— _yes_ —I got a thrill. Those are  _not_  things I will lie about—Because do you want the truth or my persona? Cause you keep  _begging_  and  _begging_  to see the  _real me_. I'm keeping myself in check, but I can’t change what’s done."

I search his golden eyes. "Don't lie," I relent. "And don't hurt anyone."

“I won’t lie to you.”

He lets go of me and I straighten, rolling my neck. "How bad is my shadow going to be?"

Tohru drums his fingers on his leg before he starts to pace. "I don't know a lot about your past. Did you ever do anything really awful that I don't know about? Is there anyone you hate?"

"No..." I shake my head uncertainly. "Not that I can think of. I believe you know all my faults."

Tohru stops and a grimace quirks across his face. "You know you were a real boozehound, right?  _Absolute_  lush."

I lower at him. "You know I cut back." Tohru nods. "Since I got out of the hospital. I don't get drunk anymore—"

_Well a few times..._

_"Almost_  anymore," I correct.

He nods appeasingly. "It's not terrible unless you're in a bad mood."

He starts walking again, winding around the table lost in thought. "I mentioned it earlier because you  _should_  know about Kanji's. The freak closeted himself so intensely that his shadow was completely bara! It was looking for naked guys in a bathhouse."

I feel myself blushing. "Th-that sounds uncomfortable."

"Ooh yeah!" Tohru whistles. "The homophobic brat with the headphones almost shit himself!" he guffaws.

"So you're saying..."

Tohru zigs his way back over to pat me on the shoulder. "You should sort your feelings before we do this. Or you'll probably regret it."

I run a hand over my face and through my hair.  _What else wouldn't I want people to know about me?_

_What do I hide away?_

I feel a tug on my arm—Tohru's pulling me to sit on the couch. "I'm sure I can help you get over your fears~" he leers, throwing his arm around me.

"Oh shut up," I bark, maybe a little too harshly. He winces for a second, and I feel bad about snapping. I lean against him and sigh. "You do need to give me space when there are people over. I'm not comfortable having anyone all over me. Alright?"

Tohru's eyes flash and he tightens his grip. "Learn," he apathetically replies.

"You are incredibly needy," I grouse.

He grins wickedly. "You  _enjoy_  taking care of me."

 _He's not lying._ I swivel my head so I don't have to look at his smug face.

Tohru laughs, knowing exactly what I'm doing.

"Oi—That’s annoying," I jibe.

He snickers again and snakes his other arm around me to meet the first, pulling me to lean against him. His face turns serious—Possibly even anxious. "I don't think I'll be able to calm down until we settle this. So just give in for now."

"You're giving me a headache," I quip, and I see pain on his face—For only a fraction of a second, but it's definitely there.

Tohru manipulates me so he can hold me better. "I'm sorry," he gently apologizes.

And  _that's_  downright scary!

"Why?" I ask, alarms firing off as I try to sit back up.

"Just rest," he tiredly instructs, pushing me back down. "Don't overwork yourself. I'll wake you up when the kids get here."

"I'm not a napper," I grumble. _But it is a nice feeling: relaxing in his arms._ "I'll just close my eyes for a minute," I reason.

I see him smile down at me, knowing it's an excuse. "You do that," he replies, still looking down at me warmly.

_What do I hold in?_

I contemplate the idea, negative thoughts buzzing around my mind as I feel myself drift off.

…

_Where am I?_

I look down and see that familiar ugly grey— _No._

I can see some of the kids sitting around nearby, chatting amongst themselves...

Looking the way they used to look when they  _were_  kids.

“—glad it’s done with!” Kanji sighs, still that ridiculous, bleached blond.

_Hospital—_

_No—_

“Agreed,” Yuu replies. “After the confession tomorrow, we can really start to put it behind us.”

_No._

_Don’t want to remember—_

Satonaka nods, chiming in herself. “Couldn’t have worked out better—Adachi turning himself in willingly and all.”

_Push it down again—_

“Aww,” Hanamura remarks. “We did all the hard work! No one even cares…”

“What’s this about Tohru?” I hear myself ask in a strained voice, sitting up.

Yuu stands and walks over, his eyes narrowing in worry. “Remember what I told you the other day?” he gently asks me.

I shake my head.

“Don’t worry,” Hanamura waves me off. “He’s gone—They shipped him off to Tokyo earlier today to arrange for everything. Took a few days ‘till he was able to travel.”

_Is Tohru hurt again?_

I look up at Yuu, confused—Knowing he can read my question. He shakes his head, telling me not to worry, then gives Hanamura a look that says to shut the hell up.

_I’ve got to get out of here!_

But when I try to get up, the boy puts a hand on my good shoulder. “Uncle, why don’t you stay in bed for now? Adachi is gone; it’s okay. He’s not going to hurt anyone.”

Kanji and Satonaka exchange glances and nod.

“Do we have the death penalty?” Hanamura interjects with a whine, looking at the other two.

“—Oh, no.  _No!_ ” I grit.

I’m rising again. It’s hard work, pushing through my nephew, to get the other end of the room.

_He told me—Smiled and told me it was him—_

_Backing away form me—_

_I can see him—Scowling at me—Eyes blazing—_

_Crazy eyes—Yellow eyes—_

_Not him._

_Not him._

My lips move, but the sound is barely audible.

“…not him…”

“Woah!! You need to rest—” I hear Yuu cry, trying to drag me back across the room. “Kanji—Help me!” he yelps.

I keep walking towards the wall, losing track of who’s speaking.

“Crap! Chie get help—”

_This can’t be happening…_

My vision is blurry, but I know where the window is.

_Where am I? Fourth floor—_

“Oi, old man it’s winter, you shouldn’t—”

_Why would he—_

I can see outside: it’s a nice, clear day.

_It’s too much._

I can’t tell if I’m shaking or there’s another earthquake.

_I can’t do this anymore._

“Nurse, get in here!!”

I smack at the latch and—

_Not again._

“Code grey!! Close the window!!”

_I can't be alone again._

“Code grey!!”

I lean out headfirst, trying to pull myself over the sill—

_…can’t do it again._

“Code grey!!  _Security!!_ ”

“We don’t need— _Oi!_ ”

—Then big hands are yanking me backwards and the room spins.

“ _Let. Me. Go._ ”

Now I can only see the ceiling—Not the sky.

“ _Let. Me. Go._ ”

“Code grey!! Help that kid—”

“ _Let. Me. Go._ ”

I can see Yuu standing over us—Panicked.

Can see Kanji pinning me to the floor—Hear him yelling at me to stay still.

“ _Let. Me. Go._ ”

“We’re okay—We don’t nee—”

“ _Let. Me. Go._ ”

“Oi!! You gotta stop fighting me—”

“ _Let me—_ ”

—“Ryoutarou?”

My eyes fly open, but I’m still trying to shout. It bursts from my throat, sounding so desperate. “ _—go!!_ ”

Tohru’s eyes are wide, but he doesn’t let go. He’s still cradling me—trying to hold me still—and I feel so claustrophobic. I push off his chest to get away.

“Hey— _What?_ ” he sputters. “Geez, calm down!”

I’m still instinctively fighting, so Tohru rolls his eyes, but boosts me to sitting. I gasp, trying to catch my breath. I look back at him distrustfully—Can’t help it.

“I’m alright,” I vocalize after a minute. I pinch the bridge of my nose, the pain in my head from earlier already returning. “Nightmare,” I mumble.

I feel his hand rubbing my back. “Looked bad,” Tohru tells me. “Can I do anything?”

I bark out a sarcastic laugh. “Don’t you fucking do anyth—”

His shies away as I cut myself off. I draw in a shaky breath.

“What did I say?” I ask, afraid something I didn’t want him to know had slipped out.

_I do have secrets._

Tohru shakes his head. “You just kept screaming for me to let you go… But I didn’t want to because you looked so…” He scrunches up his face like he’s unsure if I’ll get angry. I nod for him to go on. “ _Scared._ I tried to wake you.”

“It’s fine,” I bite off the words. I rub my face and lean against the couch to close my eyes again.

Tohru tugs on my shirt. “Come back over here,” he complains.

“No—Just—” I sigh. “I need a few minutes.”

“Okay,” I hear his voice droop, but he obeys patiently, for once. I can hear him pull out his phone and tap away. “Did you always get headaches?” Tohru asks, out of the blue.

I try to remember. “I don’t think so.”

“Yeah,” he replies, and is silent again.

I relax until I hear a key in the lock.

"Ted-aima!" the hyper kid calls as he follows Nanako inside.

I stretch out and my daughter giggles. "You were sleeping?" she asks.

"I can do that," I self-consciously reply, standing.

"Naps are my  _favorite_!" Teddie yells, giving me a thumbs-up.

Tohru groans and lies down on the couch himself. "Everything's your favorite, idiot."

Teddie agrees. "Mostly!" The boy runs over to the couch and sits on Tohru's legs.

_That won't go over well._

Sure enough, Tohru grunts and pushes him off, taking out his phone back out to do... Whatever the hell they do with their fancy phones. Teddie laughs good-naturedly and climbs right back up on the couch.

Nanako is sitting at the table with a notebook, twirling her pen. "Anything I can help with?" I ask her. I grab a glass and pour her cold tea.

"I need to pick a weapon," she tells me. "Teddie told me you're going to get a flamethrower."

Oh.  _Oh_.

I hadn't thought of her getting a real weapon.

_I did get her that stun gun... But I hadn't considered Nanako carrying something more dangerous._

I trust her, of course; it's simply something I didn't think would be necessary. She's  _twelve_. And they think she's going to fight these things, too?

"Get any ideas yet, Nana-chan?" the blond boy calls.

"No," she sadly replies, taking the glass from me.

"How do  _you_  fight?" I inquire, nodding at Teddie.

He pulls a tough-looking pouch from his bag. "Thought you might ask... Spikey brass knuckles!" he yells, extracting sharp gloves from the bag. He dramatically tosses the case to the floor, donning the clearly dangerous contraptions. The thin boy bounds off the couch and straight at me.

Alarmed, I back up. "Woah! Woah  _woah_!!" I yelp, throwing up my hands in front of myself—Not that they would do much against  _those_. "Why don't we _walk_ when we're wearing knives on our hands, yeah?!"

He slows, looking considerably less excited. "But the guards are still on," he whines. "They can’t do anything till I—" He fumbles with the sheaths, successfully knocking one to the ground. "See?" he innocently holds one razor too close to my face.

I step backwards. “I can see it fine a little further away.” I whip around to Tohru. “Do any of the kids know _weapon safety_?! How have they not hurt themselves?”

He shrugs as though it doesn’t concern him.  _Goddammit!_

“I’m fine~” Teddie sings, waving his demented claws around, trying to knock off another of the coverings. “I’m super-duper cautious!”

I slap my forehead. “Ugh. You can stop. I get the point—”

“Point!!” Teddie shrieks. “ _Point_!!” He bursts out laughing. “Because they're so beary sharp!”

Nanako giggles too, and even Tohru rolls his eyes.  _This is not normal._

“Let’s get those off you for now,” I plead, seriously unsure how he can remove them when he could barely take off the safety devices.

My cell goes off and I don't need  _another_  problem. I pick it up. "Well  _good evening_ , friend!" _Sakamoto._

_And he's not happy._

“What,” I tersely reply.

“Hmph!” Sakamoto intones. “Wanted to check in… Rumor is you’re all buddy-buddy with Yamamura now.”

“ _He_  say that?” I fume.

Sakamoto sighs. “I’m hazarding a  _guess_. Because he’d better be your new fucking best friend if you want him to zip it. He came to me before work today to talk about yesterday and— _Look_.”

He pauses and sighs. “I don’t know  _what_  the hell happened over there, but it apparently sounded like lots of screaming and he thinks he saw blood... He was practically pissing himself. Said it sounded like someone was trapped in your house and I told him he has an overactive imagination.  _But for fuck’s sake—_ Give me something to work with over here!!”

“Nnn.” I rub the bridge of my nose, motioning for Tohru to get the claws off the kid, then turn to face the wall, speaking more quietly. “Did he threaten me?”

“No.” Sakamoto pauses. “He sounded _concerned_ , if anything. Said it sounded like someone was getting chopped up and there was a suspicious crowd inside. Didn’t mention Adachi by name, though... You’d better be freaking nice from now on if you don’t want a lynching when the town finds out.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I grumble. “It has to come out sometime, but I would rather control the flow of information.”

“Agreed. You know how small towns are—Looking for someone to blame. When there  _is_  they get particularly nasty... You should make an appearance soon. I don’t care if you’re off, come by and be friendly so there are no rumors.”

I nod. “I’ll stop in tomorrow, alright?”

“Done. Make it lunch and we can all go out.”

“Sure,” I tell him and hang up.

_I should ask about Kubo while I’m in. I wonder if he even knows that one’s around again._

When I turn back around, Nanako is laughing while Tohru’s yelling at Teddie to stand still while he tries to put all the casings back on the gloves. The boy beams at me. “They’re like wow, right?!”

“ _Yup,_ ” I reply, pulling out a chair to sit down. “Nanako.” I turn to her; worried she’s going to make a rash decision about this. “Why don’t you sleep on it. Just keep the Taser on you for now, alright?”

“Okay,” she nods and closes her notebook. I catch her and Tohru exchange something nonverbally and inwardly groan.

The  _last_  thing I need is the two of them keeping things from me— _Collaboratively_.

\---***---

After dinner, I send Teddie home. Tohru wanders upstairs. Nanako settles in front of the TV to do her homework and I can’t help wondering what all of this is like for her.

“Nanako,” I start, unsure what I even mean to ask. She looks over at me questioningly. “Do you ever hang around with kids from your class?”

She taps her pen thoughtfully. “In school,” she replies.

“You can, ah—” I pause, realizing that inviting them over wouldn’t be a good solution. “You can go out with them, you know. I trust you to come home on time.”

“That’s alright,” she smiles and turns back to her work.

I stand there—Not sure how to give her a push. “Do you need more money to go out to eat?” I ask. She’s young to have a job, but she does most of the chores here.

“No.” She doesn’t even bother looking up from her work this time. “I like being with Teddie. And Kanji. And Tohru-jisan.”

“O-oh.”  _How do I argue with that?_

She does look up when I don’t walk away. “Is that a problem?” she questions. “Do you not want me to be around them so much?”

“It’s not that—” I start, exasperated. “You know I like all of them— _Clearly_ —“ I sigh, working out how to make my point. “I just think you should have some friends your own age. Maybe some girls. People you can talk to. About stuff that you don’t want to talk to me about—O-or the other men.”

She stares at me as though I sound nuts—As though all of the madness is completely normal. “I have people I can talk to,” she sharply replies.

“You’re not making this easy for me,” I complain, sighing again.

She hesitates, and then levels with me. “If you mean about puberty, Kanji and Yukiko-chan already talked to me.”

I feel all the blood drain from my face. “K-k-ka-kanji?!”

“Yeah,” she nonchalantly replies. “His mom had him send me to Yukiko-chan, though.”

_I think I’m having a heart attack—_

“Why didn’t you come to me?! I’m—” I cut myself off, stupefied.

_I’m your father. That’s why._

“It was at least a year ago,” she interrupts my thoughts. “Don’t worry so much.”

_I didn’t even notice—Kanji didn’t say anything…_

“Uuh,” I stupidly reply. I need a minute to absorb all this. I don’t know if it’s more or less shocking than everything yesterday. “Y-yes. I guess. Let me know if you n-need anything…”

_Obviously she won’t._

I say goodnight and climb the stairs.

_All this time I thought things were going well. I thought I was doing a better job at being an only parent—That I knew what was going on in Nanako’s life._

_I can understand why she didn’t tell me about whatever power she has, but this other thing is normal parent fare…_

_I hadn’t realized how much we’ve been relying on the others. We truly are lucky to have all these extra people in our lives._

But I need to pay more attention. That’s what it _always_ comes back to.

I retrieve clean clothes from my room and go for a soak. I let the tub fill while I wash up, then climb in, still in shock. I don’t even realize I forgot to grab Tohru until the door opens and he calls my name.

“Yes,” I weakly reply. “I’m here.”

“You didn’t get me!” he cries. He changes his tune when he sees me though. “Woah,” he breathes. “Did somebody  _die_?”

“Huh?” I look up at him, lost. “No…”

“Then?”

“I-I don’t know myself. That’s the problem.” I slide down in the tub, so only my nose and eyes stick out of the water. I know it looks like I’m pouting, but I don’t give a shit.

Tohru looks caught between laughing and wanting to comfort me. I glare at him, disliking both possible responses.

“What?” He gives me a wounded look and starts washing himself. “You want me to leave?” His eyes go wide and he reaches for the tap.

“No, moron,” I halfheartedly snap, the words coming out mangled from speaking through the water. _He gets the idea._

"Can I help?" he asks.

I raise my head and lean back. "You? Help?" I scoff. Tohru nods genuinely, but I narrow my eyes. "Don't keep things from me—That's how you can _help_. I saw whatever you two said with that creepy Spartan sign language." I sigh. "Didn't get it, but I saw it happen."

Tohru shuts off the water, done, and walks over to the tub. I shift sideways so he has to sit in front of me and I can hold him. He groans, but does what I want. I wrap my arms around Tohru and rest my chin on his shoulder, sighing again. I instinctively know he's rolling his eyes and it makes me smile. He folds his hands in his lap and leans back against me.

"Let me see..." I pull back to look at his burn.

He twists away in annoyance. " _It's fine,_ " he testily tells me.

_I'll let it go for now. I'd rather relax than fight._

"Are we still going to do this when you go back to work?" Tohru asks me. _He was never good at sitting still._

"Yes," I nod. "I told you I cut back my hours... With you and Yuu gone, someone had to be home to pay attention to Nanako." I moan, a guttural sound in my throat. "Not that I did a great job, nonetheless."

" _That's_  what this is about?" Tohru curiously turns his head to look at my face. I know I'm frowning. "I'd say you're better than average. Better than  _I_  had, at least—" He falls silent.

I tip my head into his. "You never talk about before you came here."

"Feh," he grunts. "You wouldn't want to hear about it."

"Why not?" I ask, genuinely surprised he would think that. "I want to learn more about you." I grip him tighter. "I don't even know what brought you here, after all these years. Start with that."

" _Aheh,_ " Tohru laughs bitterly, a single utterance that wracks his body as he releases it. " _No._ " He's firm about it. "I'll tell you all of it, someday. For now try to remember you're a good parent." He places his hands over my own and gives them a squeeze.

_I’m not buying it._

"She went to that  _punk_  Kanji for the 'facts do life'," I miserably mumble.

Of course Tohru bursts out laughing, he smacks the side of the tub a few times, he's howling so much.

"Oh yeah," I reply. "Ha ha."

"No—N-No!!" Tohru stutters between giggles. "That's not it." He finally calms down and wipes his face. I frown unamused.

"You know," he starts. "I hate to say it because I don't like him, but he's a decent person. Better than me for sure, and maybe better than you."

My frown depends to a glare. "Your  _point_?"

"From what she's told me, he's been like an extra parent or something. You..." I feel Tohru swallow and grunt unhappily. "Should be _glad_ he's in your life."

"I know."

He's quiet again, but I know he's struggling to say something else.

"I wanted to be where he is. He was with you the whole time I was gone.  _I_  wanted to be like that for Nanako. I always liked her... Even before I liked you so much." Tohru laughs mirthlessly. "I'm... I'm  _happy_  she has him." He practically spits the words.

_I take him at his word mostly because he says it so aggressively. Compliments are uncharacteristic._

"Hnn," I grunt. "So don't hide things, alright?"

"I'll do my best," he promises in a sarcastic voice.

I poke Tohru in the side and he squirms away, making a growling noise. I can't help chuckling.

"Cut it out," he whines.

"Tomorrow,” I muse. "I'm going to exercise. I have to go out in the afternoon, and you can't keep me cooped up here."

"I  _can_ ," Tohru protests.

I shake my head. "I'm alright. You can come running, if you're going to be a wuss about it. But you have to keep up," I goad.

Tohru snorts. "I can keep up, old man."

I feel myself laughing again. "When's the last time you've exercised? And you have to wear sunglasses and a hat or something."

"That's cliché."

"What else can we do?" I roll my eyes. "I don't want you going into town, but if you can get that thing off, you might as well come with me. It'd be good for you. Maybe you won't be so uptight when your doctor comes in the afternoon."

"Ugh," Tohru groans. "I forgot."

"Don't," I tell him. "You promised you'd work with them."

"Yeah yeah..."

"We should get out. The water's getting cold and I'll have to refill it for Nanako."

Tohru groans but stands and exits, reaching for his towel. Looking at his back, I remember something that's been nagging at me. "Hey," I softly call.

"Hmm?" he replies, passing me my own towel.

I take it and place my hand on the long-faded, mottled spots in the small of his back. There are a lot of small splotches and I have a spike of fear of what they represent.

The second my hand makes contact there, he jerks forward. "Whoops," he brushes it off. "Tripped." He rights himself and walks away from me. "Now what is it?" he smiles evasively.

"Nothing," I shake my head, still surprised at his reaction.  _That means I'm probably right._

I hope not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	6. Input vs Output (Tohru)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bunch of stuff! Tohru shows Nanako his idea for her weapon and they bond over how to deal with people. Tohru finally hears back from Kubo, who brings up Tohru’s surprisingly helpful—to Tohru, of course—outburst during “the interrogation” from the pervious day. A chance for them to meet up? For business and information, certainly... Not anything sketchy or potentially parole-violating like premeditated resource (read: weapon) gathering and how to get around town peacefully (read: without being caught). Then there’s the old gifts that Tohru magically remembers. Then there’s exercising. Then there’s a bit of regret at missed opportunities because of his generalized unfriendliness. Then there’s Aizawa the new doctor! ...Who is quickly chased off, to conclude the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn’t think I’d use the strategically placed locked suitcase for anything other than Tohru hiding guns—Fairly certain I described it as containing useless crap for the SAKE of hiding guns. Welp, I now have a deus ex machina and I feel terrible for going back to it again... (And in one more instance in a future chapter already.) But more shit just came out of that locked suitcase... That was never seized as evidence or for inspection because... Uhh... ...So last night I bolted upright in bed, an idea striking me, and I yelled out that I KNEW where he had hid the suitcase!! (Dog jumping up and pinning his ears back in panic and everything.) My husband looks up from his book and stares at me like I’m dumb. “In the model living room right? That seems obvious.” I glowered and laid back down, aggravated at being bested by someone who had only even read the first story...  
> As an aside—The game came out in 2008, so that's the year I'm saying those events happened in.

Chapter Three: Input vs Output

(Tohru)

"I found your weapon," I declare, sitting on the floor next to Nanako. I hold out a picture on my cell phone for her to see.

"What is it?" She sounds interested.  _I knew showing her directly was the way to go!_

I mime spinning something on my finger and flicking it across the room. "Chakram. They can be really big or super tiny. If we did tiny ones, you could carry a bunch and throw them ranged, so you don't need to get close. Anything not-ranged and your dad will flip." I slide the phone back into my pocket after I text her the English spelling.

Nanako nods. "I'm listening."

"Kanji said they know a guy who can get or make pretty much anything. My money's on Daidara. He's..." I frown. "He's suspicious. How does he make a living in a backwater place like this otherwise?"

"It's Daidara," Nanako agrees. "And I bet he can make or get something like that."

I feel myself smiling naturally, for once. "You like my idea?"

She smiles back. "Mm-hmm!"

"Awesome~" I cheer and lay back on the floor. "Are you still working?"

"Not really," she replies. "What's wrong?"

"What happened earlier? Your dad was pretty broken up."

Nanako sighs. "He was being pushy about me having friends from school. I don't think it matters that much." I see a frown form as she continues. “We get along...”

I sit back up and hug my knees so I can look at her. "You should have some friends. If not it gets lonely."

"I have you guys," she tells me like I'm an idiot.

 _I wish I could give her everything I know so she could learn the easy way._ "If you don't keep up with them outside of school, too, they might leave you out."

"That's okay."

_That's what I thought, too._

"Eesh," I exhale. "Being friendly doesn't hurt  _much_. You can always go out for a quick bite—Like whatever's the equivalent of a burger here. Croquettes? Kabob?"

Nanako laughs. "We could always go to another town. But that would take a while."

"Yeah," I agree. "Then you're stuck with those bozos even longer... But you will be trapped with the same people through high school, though. So make sure they like you." She giggles a little. I grimace. "For once I'm not kidding. Kids are  _terrible people_."

Nanako searches my face, but I don't give anything more away.

"Okay~" I roll to my feet. "I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm apparently going jogging. At  _six_." I wrinkle my nose, exercise being _clearly_ beneath me.

"You're not going to be up," Nanako dubiously comments.

"I know," I huff. "What is  _wrong_  with your dad?"

She smirks. "Kanji and his exercise enthusiasm got to him."

"At least I know who to  _blame_ —Thanks!" I dramatically reply.

"It was good for him at the time," Nanako tells me. "But  _you're_  not going to like it."

"I know," I sigh.

I pull out my cell again as I walk away. I felt it ding a while ago.

It's a text from Kubo. " _what you want the discount for_ "

_Hmm. Interesting._

_I thought he might contact me. But this is better than expected._

I texted him this morning, but didn't expect a response after getting nothing for hours upon hours. I simply told him who I am and asked about his situation.

" _A Vita. And games._ " I write back. " _I'm behind the times. Prison and all. Broke and under house arrest in case you didn't notice._ "

_Hmm... I don't want to get too friendly and have the others angrier at me, but..._

" _I'm willing to exchange valuable information for deep discounts._ "

It's always possible he'll find something that puts him in a better position than us.  _Always_  hedge your bets.

It's weird to think of myself as the one keeping my family— _my what now_ —safe. But my first priority since I've been here has been the two of them: Ryoutarou and Nanako.

In a fucked-up way I recognize that I'm possessive of Ryoutarou... But I'm equally  _protective_  of them both. That doesn't feel like the way things should be.

She's not  _my_  child or anything.  _Not my responsibility._

But why else would I have sent those freaking letters? The ones that got me caught. There is  _no_  logical reason for why I did that—Handed the police evidence of my involvement.

There’s a nagging sensation, a tugging at the back of my brain, about  _something_. But I’m not gonna pull it free if it’s buried—Must have done that for a reason.

New message from Kubo: " _were doing a promotion next week for a bundle. 45,000¥ includes two games. want?_ "

_I wonder if he can take a bank card over the phone. But we should really chat in person..._

_I could slip out if I have to, but it's safer to talk to Ryoutarou, to throw him a heads-up._

" _Give me a few days._ "

I turn my mobile to vibrate and enter the bedroom. "Ryoutarou?" I squint. If he were up I'd be able to see the lit end of a cigarette. "You asleep?"

I hear him mumble something, so he's mostly asleep. I'll tell him in the morning.

_And ooh fuck—_

I have to set an alarm. First time in _years_.

There's something I want to do, and I'll have to rise early to make it happen.

I set my phone, shuck my clothes and crawl into the futon. I’m oddly content with my place here. It doesn't feel natural or right.

_But I like where I am right now._

\---***---

The alarm I’d set on my phone vibrates from under my pillow and I'm happy I wake before Ryoutarou. I smile and slip back into my shorts, grab my other stuff, and cross the hall to my own room. I swallow the nasty pills, and then throw my dirty clothes in a heap and pull on stuff suitable for exercise—

_When the hell did I become so messy?_

I look around at the way I’ve thrown my stuff around in here. _I use to be really neat when I had my own place... But then I had to pick up after myself, while here I haven't even been shown the laundry machine._

I know where it is,  _of course_ , but Ryoutarou's taken all of the clothes from me twice now. I don't think I have to worry about it.

_...Is that weird or normal?_

I roll the idea around in my head as I root around in my old suitcase, again. Not everything is  _entirely_  useless... Some of the stuff merely outdated and can't be used the way I'd hoped. But I think I can make  _this_  work.

Way back in '08 I'd purchased Christmas gifts for Ryoutarou and Nanako on the first of November— _stupid, shitty idea_ —and then few days later everything went to shit...

But I have them. I saw them when I was poking around the other day. And I want to give them, still... And there  _is_  a part of me that gets _crazy_ angry when I think of that Yamamura making coffee for Ryoutarou.

From Junes, I got him a large, temperature-controlling thermos, and her one of those dumb, special-edition zodiac notebooks I knew all the kids wanted. She always loved that damn store. Nanako was already practicing kanji and I thought she'd like it.

The travel mug holds more than a large, and I was going to buy some nice coffee and brew it myself.

— _Right._   _Cause that would fix everything._

But I thought it would be a caring gesture. Then five days later Nanako is gone and he's in the hospital. I put those crappy gifts out of sight and out of mind. _I always wished I could've been able to give them..._

I haven't forgotten, and with Ryoutarou going in to work this afternoon, it's as good a time as any. They're still in their original Junes bags, looking all shiny and new.

I carry the items downstairs and place them on the counter. Flicking on the fancy coffeemaker, I wonder if this will even come out right. I take the can of beans from the cabinet and dump scoops into the grinder's basket like I've seen Ryoutarou do.

I add a few extra spoonfuls than necessary to make sure it's dark enough— _I’ve been warned that apparently that’s important._  I feel my face pinching into some expression as I set it to the right number of scoops and press "drip".

The sound is louder than I'd hoped, and I fidget nervously while they're chopped to bits.  _I have no idea which filter I'm even supposed to use—_ So I guess and dump the grounds on top. I fill the pot with slightly more water than cups—another trick Ryoutarou taught me a long time ago— _because some of the water will be absorbed by the beans, blah blah blah..._

While the coffee is brewing. I pull the mug out of the cheap plastic bag. I take off the packaging and stickers and tags, discarding them in the correct bins. I wash it briefly in the sink and wipe it down with a dishtowel. I suck in a deep breath, hoping this is a good idea, after all.

"Oh!" I hear behind me. "Good morning, Tohru-jisan!" Nanako smiles when I whip around.

"He-heh~" I nervously chuckle. "Mornin' Nanako-chan!" I move in front of the bags while she heats leftover soup. The rice cooker is already on, thanks to its timer.

" _If_ ," I start. "I-if I hypothetically found an old gift I never gave you, but was still new and all, w-would you want it?" I question.

She nods. "Yeah! That'd be a fun surprise."

I fumble behind self for the bag. "S-sorry it's so l-late!" I apologize, even bowing. "I had gotten it on the first, and then I didn't have time to—" I stop babbling when Nanako accepts the package from my hands opens the bag, surprise flickering across her preteen face.

"It's one of  _those_!" she gasps. "I couldn't get one because..." she trails off and shakes her head. "That’s not important," she adds, smiling so sweetly I think my heart's  _stopped_. "I really wanted one, Tohru-jisan—I got home too late, and I have all the other years. Thank you!" Nanako clutches the stupid cheap notebook and hugs me, and I'm so shocked I can't move.

This couldn't have gone better, but I couldn't  _feel_  worse.

"I-I-I hope you can use it for something important!" I declare, hugging her back with one arm.

"I will!" she grins, drawing away to collect her food. "I've been looking for a notebook for a certain project and this will be perfect."

"Good," I reply, trying to smile normally. Then the coffeemaker dings and I turn around to pour the bitter liquid into the new thermos.

Nanako watches me closely. "Was that for Dad?" she asks.

"Yes," I nod. "I remembered it because he's going in for a while today. I thought it might be a good time..." I say, fiddling with the strainer at the mouth of the jug.

"Yeah," she agrees. "I think it's nice!"

_She has no idea how relieved I am to hear her say that!!_

_You calm the hell down—It’s going better than—_

_Well, not expected..._

"Thanks," I smile sincerely. "Oh. Would you, uh, mind taste-testing the rest of the coffee I made? I don't really anything about coffee. Only what I learned watching you two."

"Sure," Nanako tells me and grabs her mug. I only pour a little so it will cool faster, but she drinks it quickly.

Nanako beams up at me and takes a second sip. I sigh out the breath I'd been holding. _Must not be terrible, at least._ She holds out the cup to me.

"You-you want  _more_?" I inquire.

"Yes."

I pour more coffee, awestruck at the fact it's potable, and maybe good. I serve some for myself after; I guess I should try it. And place the new travel mug at Ryoutarou’s seat.

"So you're going to run?" Nanako smirks at me over her food.

"I guess," I groan. "I'm not much for needless running." I grab some food for myself, considering. “Unless I’m being chased, I don’t think I _ever_ run.”

"Tohru-jisan," she seriously states. "You're not one for  _any_  exercise, be honest."

I sigh resting my head on the table. "Nope!!" I grin stupidly.

Nanako laughs and we sit in an easy silence while until Ryoutarou jaunts down the stairs. "Morning!" he greets us.  _Too chipper._

"Come sit," I wave him over.

"I... _Smell coffee...?_ " Ryoutarou asks, sounding puzzled.

Nanako smiles and gestures to the thermos. "Tohru-jisan made it.

His eyes widen. "Really?" He pours some, takes a helping of soup, and sits with us. "And what's _this_?" he inquires.

I roll my head over to the other side. "A really,  _really_  late gift," I quietly tell him.

He picks it up to inspect. It has the Junes logo and the year it was from. "Thanks?" he asks. I can't read his expression until I turn around.

"It wasn't a great year..." I yank at my hair, an old anxiety-induced habit. "But I bought them to give out at Christmas... And then I was gone." I take a deep breath, still not daring to glance over at my old partner. "Part of it was going to be that I made the coffee. And with that size you shouldn't need refills all day..."

When I do finally sit back up, I can see that Ryoutarou has settled into his seat facing the thermos. "I didn't like getting my own coffee all this time, _you know_." He smiles shyly and looks down at his food. Nanako giggles and I sigh in relief.

"I'm off!" Nanako is the next to speak, threading her arms through the straps of her bag to leave for school. "I'm stopping at the Tatsumis' before school. 'Bye!" We both wave and bid her farewell.

"Let's go," Ryoutarou calls after he clears his dishes.

I groan but move to put my own sneakers on. I take a big old sweatshirt out of the closet and find a cap in the shoe cabinet. “Do I  _need_  sunglasses too?” I whine. Ryoutarou turns to look at me and bursts out laughing.

“You’re  _fine_ ,” he says as he walks by me. He snugs the brim lower to cover my yellow eyes, then laces up his own runners, still chucking to himself. “But that  _does_  look ridiculous on you...”

I teleport to the door and my bracelet clatters to the floor. I grin at Ryoutarou and throw my arm around his shoulders as we exit, locking the door behind ourselves.

Outside, I stretch a little and link my arms behind my head. "So where are we going?" I ask with a yawn.

"Woods— _You’re_ not going into town," Ryoutarou replies, taking off at a good clip.

I roll my eyes groan.

_Already being left behind._

I lope after him—A little concerned I have no idea how to pace myself. I let him lead us to the edge of the neighborhood and onto a trail, at which point he shoots even farther ahead, really running. I groan and sprint a little to catch up.

I'm a load stronger than I use to be, what with all the fighting I've done. And the other me.

But cardio and endurance are _not_ my forte. I struggle to keep up with Ryoutarou—Who's like fifteen years my elder...

_I’d be more aggravated if I had any enough air in my system for proper thought._

After a long, long time, he slows and halts by a bench. " _Tired?_ " Ryoutarou flashes me a shitty, smug smirk and stretches his legs.

"Urghh," I moan and collapse on the bench, not bothering to stretch or retie my shoes or any of that crap. "How far are we going?" I ask after a minute.

"This is about half," he replies, wiping sweat off his forehead. "C'mon! Shouldn't be too hard."

"... _Kill me_..."

Ryoutarou guffaws loudly, like he's not got a care in the world right this minute. "Hnn," he grunts, stepping closer to me. "You can do it. You want me to fight monsters? I want _you_ to get in shape—And it can't  _hurt_  for the whole monster-fighting thing."

I stand and stretch a little. "Yeah yeah..."

"Do you want me to show you what you _should_ be stretching?" he asks. My irritation must show through because he backs away and shrugs. "Suit yourself... Ready?"

I straggle at an uneven pace all the way home. "You do this everyday?" I ask.

Ryoutarou nods, chugging a bottle of water from the fridge. He passes me one of the Aquarius. "Drink that," he commands. "You need the calories."

I make a face. "Can't I just have a soda?"

" _No._ " He sighs, capping his own bottle. "This is better after you work out." He grabs a towel from under the sink. "Weights?"

"Yeah— _No._ I don't think so," I groan. "I'd like to go scrub off the sweat and literal dirt."

Ryoutarou turns back to me on his way to the cellar stairs. "If you wait. I'll wash your back!" He smiles and waves as he takes off down the stairs.

I loose a moan and sink down on the couch. I flip on the television, not caring what's on but also not wanting to fall asleep in the meantime.

When I click open my cell, I'm unsurprised to find a text from Kubo asking me to let him know about everything by Friday so he can secure me a package.

I open the page for my bank account. I have more than enough money that the games wouldn't make a real dent, but it's still bugging me that I should consult with Ryoutarou. _I paid for my own release fees, but he hasn't asked me to chip in since I've arrived._

He bought me all those new clothes. Futon that I don't even use. Sneakers and sandals. I'm not a light eater...  _This phone._  The plan...

It will all add up. It's not like I'm trying to take advantage of him.  _That's_  not what I want.

 _Okay. So maybe I don't entirely know_ _what_   _I want, but it isn't to be a drain on him and Nanako._

I lean back and take another drink.  _What can I do?_

I could get a job, but... Who the hell would hire someone like me? It’s not like I’m on good terms with practically anyone who owns a business.

_Maybe I shouldn’t have been so snippy with Yukiko..._

She runs a ryokan. There’s gotta be behind-the-scenes gruntwork needing done. I could ask her, but—Don’t even know her number...

_Kanji has it._

Pissed him off too. And I don’t have the younger kid’s number.

_The only one who likes me, and I don’t even have to try... But I haven’t bothered because I don’t have to try._

It has been fun, but maybe I need to rethink my approach.

_Bigger picture and more planning, like I said the other day when everything was a mess._

_Isn’t that supposed to be how you don’t get in a mess?_

\---***---

I keep telling Ryoutarou to go on ahead so he’s not late, but he’s freaking  _insistent_  about talking to the doctor.

The doorbell chimes. Probably the bastard now.

I stay planted on the couch and groan as Ryoutarou rises to answer it. I turn so the bandage under my cheek is on the far side— _He’ll forget if he can’t see it._

I hear the door open and the two chatting.

_Yep. It's Aizawa._

I started seeing this one near the end, as a ‘transition’. They told me I would get to keep him after I was released.

_Oh good! Great for me~_

Ryoutarou leads him to the table and fetches him a mug of coffee, looking happy that I'm starting my appointments today.

I'm significantly less than happy.

I don’t care for this Aizawa guy. He looks like he just graduated and got stuck with the job no one wants, but acts happy and nice so people like him and he gets promoted and praised and— _Well fuck._  That was  _me_.

_Fucking. Hate. Him._

“Afternoon, Tohru-san!” the young man says.

“ _Don’t you fucking call me Tohru!_ ” I holler—louder than I meant to—before I can think better of it.

Ryoutarou stops in his tracks, eyes wide. Not even a glare, just surprise at my outburst. “That, ah…”

“No, it’s quite alright,” Aizawa tells him, but he does look nervous.  _Good._

“It’s  _not_ ,” Ryoutarou grunts and does glare at me now.

I sigh and slap on a goofy smile. “Heh! Sorry about that~ Don’t know  _what_  came over me, to forget my manners in such a way!” I gush.

Ryoutarou looks angrier that I’m faking it, and ends up slamming the mug on the table so hard some of the coffee spills. “Alright. That’s it.” He turns to Aizawa. “Do you want me to stay? You look kind of…” he fumbles, gesturing and sighing. “ _Uhh_ —Don’t look like you’re used to people like this.”

I snicker.  _He was totally going to say that he looks weak._

“That’s okay,” Aizawa easily replies. “It’s not my first time seeing him.”

Ryoutarou looks between me and the other man expectantly, then shakes his head.

_I’d rather he leave for this..._

“Please call me Adachi,” I say in a more normal tone.

Ryoutarou snorts, but picks up the new thermos and walks to the door. “You have my direct number,” he pointedly reminds to Aizawa—while looking at me—before leaving.

I wait until I hear the key turn to begin my verbal assault. "So confidentiality..." I muse. "How far does that extend?" I rise from the couch and amble over to the table to sit across from my newest therapist or psychiatrist or whatever the hell they like to be called.

Aizawa nods. “Good question.” He clicks his pen a few times, thinking. “What you tell me stays between us as long as you’re not going to hurt yourself or others—and as long as you’re not violating the terms of your parole.”

“Huh,” I reply, drumming my fingers. “So I could hypothetically tell you things like… Say…” I pause for effect. And to make it look as though I’m actually coming up with a scenario on the spot. “Like what if I saw someone get stabbed?”

The other man knits his brows. “I would tell you to report it to the police if it were a recent matter, but I cannot report it for you.”

“Okay…” I smile, going through the list I’d made. “What do you know about me? Has someone named Sakamoto spoken with you?”

“No…” Aizawa shakes his head. “I know who he is, though I only know what the records show and what you yourself divulge. I didn’t see a need to speak with him directly.”

“Hmm,” I exhale. “And what if I told you that—hypothetically—I knew something dangerous was happening, but that I would need to leave the house to stop it?” I plaster on the most innocent smile I can manage.

Aizawa “hmm”s again. “I would follow up on the situation.  _Everyone’s_  first priority should be safety, but you need to stay within the designated area.” He points down at my damn anklet and I frown, though I am glad I remembered to put it back on.

_Teleporting back into it is much more trouble than getting it off._

“That’s all.” I lean back in my chair.

“So how are the medications working out?” Aizawa asks. “Having any problems?”

 _Still seeing demons._  “Not a one!” I cheerfully respond.

_Still hate almost everyone. It feels good to be chatting up another murderer. I’m planning to give weapons to children._

_Oh. And I have about ten guns stashed around this very house!_

“That’s great to hear!” Aizawa energetically replies. “And what do you plan to do with your days?”

I tap my foot on the floor in a steady tattoo. “For now I’m just going to catch up on all the games I missed!” Bringing out the goofy grin again.

_And fight demons. Build guns. Practice magic. Open more portals to other worlds._

_Sounds_  like a game...

“I’m happy it’s all behind me!” Aizawa is writing something down, but I can’t see it.

After a pause, I lean forward to neatly fold my hands on the table, trying to look serious—And _maybe_ glimpse the notes.

I remember my practiced answer. “I’ll do whatever I can in order to be helpful to Ryou and Nanako.” I try a grin.

_That’s dangerously close to the truth._

“It is nice of them to have you,” Aizawa wholeheartedly agrees. “As a professional I shouldn’t be saying this—”

_Oh freaking please say whatever it is, then! Give me something to work with here..._

“—but I don’t know if I could’ve done the same for a friend.”

“Oh,” I smirk.  _Got him._  “Well we’re more than friends. And that’s something you  _can’t_  share, right?”

Aizawa stares uncomprehendingly. “I’m sorry, what?”

I nod. “You heard me. And it’s not hurting anyone, so you have to keep that between us, correct?”

He hesitates. “I—I suppose I do.”

_Bingo._

“You wouldn’t lie to a patient, right?” I gasp in ‘horror’, widening my eyes.

“N-no.” He shakes his head, frowning, and goes back to clicking his pen.

I rise and circle around the table to his side. “Well, that’s a all I have to talk about for today, and you must have so much to digest~ _Why don’t I see you out?_ ” I grab the back of his chair and tug it away so there’s room to stand.

“Ah, yes—That’s fine.” Aizawa hurriedly shuffles his papers back into his briefcase and heads for the door. “I’ll see you next week—”

“ _Adachi_ ,” I supply my name with ease. “See you then, Aizawa-kun!” I wave and smile brightly as the guy walks down the street.

I shut the door and lock it, then lean against it and attempt to catch my breath. It was likely unwise to push Aizawa…  _But what else am I supposed to do?_  If he doesn’t have any clout, I’m not wasting my damn time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	7. Watakushitachi (Nanako)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a plan involving the notebook! Nanako has an interaction that borders on kids being mean—She doesn’t have a great feeling about two of her classmates. (Normal kids-being-jags stuff; not supernatural.) Then talks to Kanji about the plan. Lastly, she heads home with Teddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can pluralize most Japanese pronouns by adding –tachi. (Or –ra for a select few.) So this chapter takes this installment's title and twists it to “OUR personal business”.  
> If you’re interested in Japanese language, I have a complaint! Last night we finished Terror in Resonance and I was flipping my lid when Shibazaki kept saying “omaetachi” in the last episode. Omae should become omaira. I checked a few dictionaries and none have it, even as a slang. That guy—I believed in youuuuu!!!  
> Lastly, sorry for the short chapter today! I had just two Nanako scenes that needed doing, and then—Actually no. Tomorrow we go back to the beginning of—oh god which day is it—WEDNESDAY! We go back to earlier in Wednesday and get Ryoutarou and Sakamoto, then a weird spooky incident before Nanako even gets home. Sorry. I had to cram her chapter in here somewhere... She IS important!  
> And for the record, I AM starting to get confused. I spent the bulk of yesterday's Mukidashite-Time up making timelines for each story, as well as pre-game Adachi, AdaJima in game, Adachi in prison, and Dojimas pre-game. It was a real pain, but now I have reference materials. ...I'm pretty invested at this point.

Chapter Four: Watakushitachi

(Nanako)

_I know what I’m going to do with the notebook..._

It’s going to help me uncover the truth—The parts that keep getting glossed over.

When the bell rings, I pack my stuff and make a beeline for the shoe lockers. _I don’t have any reason to hang around. I would much rather walk home with Teddie and chat with Kanji or Tohru, than waste time on classroom gossip._

In two years, when I start high school, I  _will_  have to join a club or maybe student council… I don’t need to worry about that right now though, because I’ll just continue on to the local high school. _With my grades, I don’t have to worry._

“Dojima-chan!” I hear someone call. It would be rude to ignore them, but with all the trouble the other day I want to hurry home.  _Tohru said he would text me if anything happened, but…_

I turn around to see two girls from my class. “Yes?” I politely inquire.

“Yoko-chan and I wanted to borrow your notes from literature. Do you mind?” one girl—Akemi—asks.

“That is,” I drag out, elongating the sound. “That’s a little…”  _I haven’t actually finished the assignment yet._

“Oh, come on~” Akemi pleads. “You’re so _smart_ , you’ve already finished the homework, right?”

I bite my lip. _I don’t want them to get upset, but I need my notes. And I don’t particularly want them copying my work._ “I’m very sorry,” I apologize. “It isn’t done, yet.”

“That’s okay,” Yoko cheerily tells me. “Let us see when it is!”

“I—”

_I’d rather not._

The words stick in my throat. I lose my chance as the two walk out the door, snickering over something that Akemi whispers to Yoko.

I grit my teeth and exchange shoes, slipping into my sneakers as I walk through the front door.

“Nana-chan~” I hear Teddie sing as I step out onto the sidewalk. _I love having someone to walk home with—He always brightens my day!_

He waves, holding up a shopping bag. “I bought snacks!”

I’m aware that Akemi and Yoko are still overtly glancing at me and talking quietly, but I’ll ignore it.

“Thanks,” I tell him. “I could eat.”

“Who  _couldn’t_?!” he giggles, holding out his hand. “Snacks are the best~”

I laugh and take his hand in mine, forgetting the kids from my class as he swings our arms really high and asks me about my day. He prattles on about what he did at work today for the rest of the walk to the textile shop.

“Oops!” Teddie says, remembering something. He drops my hand and looks inside the bag he’s carrying. “I have the groceries! Gotta put them away... I’ll be right back~” he calls, running into the house.

I nod and take a seat next to Kanji, outside. He’s sitting quietly, knitting something. _He looks like a real adult when he concentrates._

“’Sup?” he asks as I sit. “Everything still good?”

I nod, considering how to broach my request. "Kanji?" I cautiously ask.

"Yeah?" he easily replies.

I hold up the notebook that has the year printed on the cover: "Junes Limited Winter Special 2008". Cute cartoon-y rats dancing across the illustration.

"Woah!" he says with awe. "I remember those! Brings me back! They only had a couple and all the girls had to have them—I couldn't get my hands on one!!"

I take a deep breath. “I want to know the truth,” I tell Kanji.

“Huh?” he asks. “I  _always_  tell you the truth.” He frowns, folding his knitting and waiting for me to continue.

“You’ll see…” I hold it out to him. “You’re the first.”

He takes it with a questioning look.

“It’s because I trust you the most.”

Kanji nods, knowing this already. “What’s it for?”

“It says on the first page.” I take a deep breath. “I got this old notebook from Tohru-jisan and it gave me an idea. I want you to tell me what really happened—in your own words—then staple your section closed and give it back.”

He gulps, looking nervous. “ _You mean…_ ”

I nod. “Yes. I don’t need to know right this minute, but I will at some point. And if I have it all written down, from all of you, I can take my time to process it.”

“Wh-who  _else_  is going to write in here?” Kanji asks me.

I bite my lip. “I haven’t decided for sure... But definitely you, Tohru-jisan, Big Bro, and Teddie.”

“Not your dad?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.

I laugh, even though it isn’t funny. “Lately I get the feeling he knew less than me.”

Kanji nods. “Yeah... You used to hang out with us—And—” He sighs. “Uh. _Well._ You were kinda involved with the stuff with Kanami-chan.”

I nod. “When I did start to be like you guys, it didn’t surprise me—Like it was how things should be.” I hand Kanji the notebook. “Plus, he and I can always talk in person.”

“Yeah,” Kanji sighs. “You got it. I’ll see what I can put down for you... It might not all be in order, but I’ll do my best!” He grins, raising his arm still holding the knitting needles. “You got my honor as a man!”

I can’t help giggling at that, knowing he’s putting on a show to cheer me up. “Thanks,” I tell him. “For everything.”

“Yeah, of course!” He slips the notebook into his bag of yarn as Teddie skips back outside, carrying glasses of tea. He sets them in front of Kanji and I. “Thanks, Ted.”

I nod in agreement and sip my own.

Teddie sits in front of us on the ground, smiling and watching as we drink.

“You’ve been more helpful lately,” Kanji comments, draining the rest of the cold tea. “Is there something you want?”

“Me~?” Teddie asks, pretending to be offended. “ _Nooo~_  I just want to help!”

“That’s good,” Kanji replies. “Keep it up!”

“Okay!” Teddie says, rising and looking excited. “Give me a  _mission_!!” he demands.

Kanji looks at me and shrugs. “Anything you need?”

“No,” I shake my head. “I have to get home to do my work, that’s all.”

“Then your mission—” Kanji dramatically tells the other boy. “Is to play quietly until dinner!”

Teddie looks at both of us, aghast. “ _...here?_ ”

Kanji nods.

“No!!” he complains. “I wanna go over to _their_ house!”

I look over at Kanji and shrug.

“Don’t be a pain,” Kanji lectures. “You eat all their food...”

“It’s alright,” I assure him, picking up my bag. “Bring a book or a game,” I tell Teddie. He salutes me and runs back into the house.

Kanji groans. “I’m going to have to start giving you guys food or money or something, at this rate.”

“It’s okay,” I say. “I enjoy having him around. And he wouldn’t say it, but I think Tohru-jisan likes the attention, too. Teddie is usually happy. It keeps our moods up.” I feel the corners of my mouth turning up without meaning to. “That’s just how he is.”

“Yeah,” Kanji sighs. “He is a good guy. Just...  _Big_  personality!” We laugh at that as the boy runs back out of the house, brandishing a shoulder bag stuffed with books and snacks and chattering on about what he will do first and who gets which snacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	8. Like Fire in a Drought (Ryoutarou)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only a few scenes with a lot packed in. Sakamoto and Dojima talk politics and Tohru. We learn more about the Dojima family at large. (And DAMN I had to do a lot of research about political and defense hierarchy to decide where to place people!) Then Ryoutarou tells him more about his relationship with Tohru, as things are getting tough with “weirdness” crackdowns. When he returns home, Tohru tells him that he wants to get a job and that he wants to talk to Kubo. Ryoutarou is not happy to realize Tohru’s lying about his appointment going well. So he calls Aizawa and reschedules. Then the TV goes a bit bonkers while Tohru plays a game—One most of you probably know. Ryoutarou gets edgy and Tohru checks it out, calling Black Frost, who gives a too-literal answer that WILL bite everyone in the ass. Tohru calls up one of his other demons to stand guard. If you’re wondering, besides Izanagi I’ve got him with three contracts, so now there’s only one we haven’t seen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In today’s edition of Things You Should Know: notes on omiai, lighter tricks, and how I screwed up SMT magnetite. In order of appearance.
> 
> Omiai are marriage interviews. Like an arranged marriage, but you pick from candidates. The word includes the kanji for “to look at” as you sit across a table from each other during the literal interview portion. Loads of manga use them as gags where people’s family members will drop off miai portfolios if they think a known single person has good public standing and/or is good-looking. Apparently they’re a thing that DOES still happen IRL, which is kinda creepy... It’ll have more importance later. I’ve been setting up a few good reveals—Some since Oretachi.
> 
> Lighter tricks—Actually a big thing in certain circles. If you’ve never seen any, look them up on YouTube! My brother used to know a bunch, and they’re a good fidget habit for someone twitchy who carries a lighter. Cool-looking and dangerous.
> 
> So... I’m using magnetite as how Tohru can summon generalized SMT contracts. Looks like I didn’t do enough reading before and noted you can use your blood. Ferrous oxide is RUST and would NOT be found in blood, but I like the challenge of working around it because it’s from back in Oretachi and I'm trying to be consistent... It’s just going to be a more ‘traditional blood contract’-thing like you see in horror movies. I’m also fiddling with the idea of contracts—and for Mukidashite purposes, they can be super-specific.

Chapter Five:  Like Fire in a Drought

(Ryoutarou)

_Lunch went okay. Yamamura isn’t that bad... Just grating._

_One down and one left._

"Sakamoto," I knock on the jamb to the chief’s office. My colleague’s hunched over the old computer on his desk, folding his tall frame to get a better look at the low screen.

_Might not be the best time... But I have to take off after._

He looks up from his work, brow creased. A sour expression decorates his face. "Dojima," he mimics, clearly aggravated by what's open on the desktop.

"I want to talk to you; set the record straight on a few things. Come with me unless I can smoke in here."

"You know you're not supposed to," Sakamoto sighs. "Newer laws about municipal buildings and all that—It's no longer a  _request_." He leans over to peer into his oversized mug. "Let me get a refill and I’ll update you on  _all_  the latest from Tokyo!" The other man gruffly picks up his cup and pushes past me to the breakroom.

I nod. "I'll see you out back."

I walk right out the rear door and lean against the wall of the station.  _If he's going to help me further, he should know how it is._  Sakamoto saunters out the door a minute later, carrying his coffee.

“Happy?” I grunt, shaking a cigarette loose. I light it and settle in to listen.

“Almost fifty and you’re just now learning how to play well with others...” Sakamoto shakes his head and chuckles. “Keep it up like you did during lunch and I’ll keep  _you_  in the clear...”

He groans and takes a drink. “Because I’m assuming you haven't heard. This isn’t in the  _regular_  news—One of my guys just forwarded me this  _never_ -to-press tidbit.”

“What is it?” I ask. “Do I want to know?”

Sakamoto angrily shakes his head and sips his coffee. “The Naichou Domestic Chairman is currently running her first raid on the Kirijo Group...”

_Oooh no..._

_Fuck._

“Super!” I sarcastically reply.

_Son of a bitch..._

“So I’d like to know— _for funzies_ —Would you happen to be  _friendly_  with anyone within the Kirijo Group? Because  _that_  would further complicate things.”

I shake my head quickly. “No—That’s an  _honest_  answer.” I tip my cigarette in his direction, hoping he knows I’m telling the truth on this one. “I know  _of_  them, but have never been in contact.”

“Because I hear our child genius has been known to trip over herself to rush to their aid.”

“Shirogane-kun?”

“Ooh yes,” he sighs. “ _And_  I believe you  _do_  know the  _goddamn tyrant of a_ —Sorry;  _sorry_... The ‘ _newly instated Chairman’_  of Domestic who’s been practically  _crusading_  against the Kirijos since uncovering some ‘funny business’ a while ago—”  _I think his head is going to start loosing flames..._  “You know, the generalized  _lack of evidence_  that got one of our own homegrown murderers a shortened sentence.”

“Hoo...” I sigh, pulling out a second cigarette.  _Not going to be a good day_. I light it before speaking again. “Look, Sakamoto. I appreciate you running interference for me in the past, but this one has got  _nothing_  to do with me— _At all_. Not me,” I reiterate, shaking my head and snorting a plume of smoke. “I’d just like the Chairman to stay the hell away from Inaba.”

“Well,” he grumbles. “ _Hell_  of a job with that!” He sticks his mug between his legs to clap dementedly. “She’ll stay  _far away_ because there’s nothing here she could possibly be after—Oh!  _Right!_  There was that time you brought Adachi here and all. I’m sure she’s  _not_  still itching to get her claws in that nutbag and drag him back to Tokyo.” He glares and sips his drink. “Yeah—She was  _not happy_  her son was the lead on getting him out of incarceration—I’m  _told_.” Sakamoto’s glare deepens as he waves his fist around for emphasis. “And by ‘told’ I mean  _shaken down berated by_  several large MPs during a nationwide Public Safety Conference, as you’ll recall. They had to postpone a lecture by a frigging hour after we’d all already sat down, because  _I served as a demonstration_  of who not to mess with! Cuffed and dragged out for ‘additional security measures’... That was  _not cool_.”

“Yes,” I plead. “I know;  _I know..._  Tell me what you need me to do... But I think we should just keep our heads down for now.”

Sakamoto rolls his eyes and nods. “Yes. That’s the  _plan_. The news this morning simply made me want to reiterate our resolve to keep Inaba peaceful.  _As a team that now includes Yamamura._  He’s important: one of us. Don't make me explain it again.”

"Mmn." I grunt, not wanting to fully commit until I know him better. "I’ve  _also_  decided that I'm going to try and explain something, so can you bear with me?"

The other man nods and I reach for a third cigarette. Light it with matches.

After the first exhalation, I start. "You've got a family, yeah?"

He gives the expected answer: "You know I do."

"Mm," I nod. "You need all three, right? Your two kids and your wife to feel happy; content with your life." He dips his head a little, so I continue. "Consider one of them wasn't around anymore—I  _don't_  necessarily mean they die—Maybe they moved. Went off to college. Got sick.  _Anything._ "

"Okay," he cautiously replies, unsure where I'm going.

"Yeah... Yeah." I take a deep drag off the cigarette and let it go slowly. "You always knew them one way, and you loved them that way, right?"

Sakamoto nods, sipping from his mug and watching me closely.

"Well, what if they change?" I only pause for a beat, then continue. "They've changed and you don't particularly care for it, but you want to see if the them you love is still in there—You  _know_  they're still in there, yeah? So, what do you do?"

"Uhh," Sakamoto thinks aloud, scratching his head.

I’ve got make this rhetorical, so I don't give him time to form a sentence. "You give them a chance, right?" I take a quick pull on the cigarette, trying not to get too antsy.

Sakamoto nods again. "Sure. I'd want to see what happens." He sighs. "That's reasonable. They're important to me, after all." He sets his jaw, maybe starting to figure out where I'm going. _But I don't think he really knows all of it._

I step towards him, challenging. "That's what it's like with Tohru."

Sakamoto's face pulls tight, needing a few seconds to process.  _That I said 'Tohru' should be enough._ I toss my cigarette to the ground with the others and crush it under my foot.

And it  _is_  enough. I can see it on his face when I look back up. "Ah—That is—" Sakamoto shakes his head in disbelief. "First name basis?" he raises his brows and jabs his finger in my direction.

"What would you say if I told you it's more than a 'first name basis'?  _Has_  been for a long time." I back up and fumble to take out another cigarette, getting nervous.

"I'd say  _you've lost your goddamn mind_ ," Sakamoto aggravatedly sighs, pushing off the wall to pace. I narrow my gaze to a glare, but wait, lighting the smoke. "For a lot of reasons. Not just the obvious."

"Sure," I concede. "For a lot of reasons it was a foolish thing to start. But that's where I'm at. And I know he'll pull through for me." I take another drag and hold it in. Trying to get myself to shut up for a minute. “And we’ve already done the heavy lifting, as  _you_  spoke of earlier.”

"You're convinced?" Sakamoto scoffs.

I nod firmly. "Look," I sigh. "I don't know what'll come out once he starts showing up in town—I just thought you should know... You know—So you heard it from  _me_."

"I don't know what you want me to say..." Sakamoto heaves a loud sigh and sets his drink on the ground. "I'll just give you a general overview—So I don’t get blamed for not throwing the effing book at you." He rolls his eyes when I snort.

Sakamoto holds up a hand and wiggles his fingers. "One." He jabs his index finger at me. "You were his senior. Two! He was a fucking kid and a goddamn murderer—Which brings me to three.  _He's a murderer._ Four is easy: he's a liar—A liar who you've trusted with your kid on numerous occasions, and I'm guessing will continue to do when you come in for regular hours again next week—" Sakamoto pulls up short and squints, having lost steam.

"Run out?" I ask, aggressively stubbing my cigarette against the wall very close to his head. " _You repeated one._ "

" _Well,_ " Sakamoto sardonically starts, flourishing his hand before quickly poking me hard in the chest. "If you’re going to  _push_  me—This one is less PC, but do you want everyone in Inaba to know you're gay? I'm assuming you're not going to move... And word travels  _fast_."

I glare at him. "Don't be a fucking asshole."

Sakamoto holds up his hands and shrugs. "I'm not the one—"

" _Enough,_ " I roll my eyes. "I think I'll live if I lose a few friends."

"Dojima—" Sakamoto makes a pained face as he complains. "You don't  _have_  any friends who aren't me. You don't like friends. I mean—This isn't the most liberal place."

"Are you done?" I flatly ask.

Sakamoto considers, thinking for a minute. "Is this why you always turned down omiai?"

"No!" I grunt, getting angry now. "I'm  _personally opposed_  to omiai. If I could  _never_  hear that word again...!” I groan.

"Weird guy," Sakamoto mutters. "Turn down a bunch of normal women for a gay murderer..."

I sigh. _I know I'll hear that one a few more times._

After a stretch of silence, I glance over at Sakamoto. "We're alright?" I ask, not sure where we stand after all the arguing and posturing.

"Yeah," he replies. " _You and I_  are fine. Just try not to make my life too complicated, yeah?"

"Mmn," I snort. "Complication’s catchy." I pat Sakamoto's shoulder and grin wryly. He returns the smile. “Alright. I'm going to go... I’d like to get home before Nanako and the kid. I’d rather head off any more trouble.”

"Yeah—” the other man stops me. “About that..." Sakamoto begins. I turn back questioningly. "Kubo's part of a different jurisdiction—But they'll forward anything important to us now.” He sips his drink again, hesitating. “I had to make a trade."

I huff. "So they know about Adachi?"

"It’s not like  _everyone_  knows. They promised discretion, but you know how is."

"Yes."

"I'd rather keep everyone safe and alive than under the radar, alright?"

"Mm," I agree and walk towards my car, wondering how the hell I went all the way from solving petty crimes to— _No._

No...

Even before the Midnight Channel Murders I was working on what was basically murder. My hand trembles as I reach out for the door handle, somewhere deep inside still loathing the act of driving.

But I don’t think about it much anymore.  _Got to keep my head in the present. Like Tohru said—I can’t change what’s been done._

_Ten years is a long time..._

Hell— _Six years_  is a long time. And _that’s_ how long I’ve been with Tohru. Focus on  _that_.

\---***---

Tohru is sprawled on the floor reading a stack of _Jump_ back issues when I walk through the door, announcing my entrance and kicking off my shoes. I feel agitated, but soften when he waves me over.

I plop down next to him on the tatami, and drink the rest of his juice. He chuffs, which only makes me laugh and ruffle his hair.

“I want to get a job,” he declares, apparently on the same wavelength as me. I don’t say anything, so he keeps going. “But I’d need someone to bring me, because of the bracelet.” He points down at his ankle even though it’s off again.

I roll my eyes and shake my head. "I can be your escort—That’s not a problem. But what would..." I carefully begin. "What would you want to do?"

"Dunno," he shrugs. "But I want to contribute and I know you're big on 'work ethic' and all that. There's gotta be someplace that'll take me! I just thought we should talk about it together before I started looking."

I nod. “It’s a good idea. I’ll see what I can dig up.” I start to stand back up but Tohru grabs a handful of my shirt and pulls me back down.

“Wait—” he says. “There’s something else.”

I sigh and cross my legs. “What is it?” I ask, not quite concerned, but getting there because of his stalling.

He grinds his teeth and then come out with it. “I think it’d be a good idea to keep in contact with Kubo—Like  _you_  said.” I roll my eyes because I  _did_  say that, but let him continue. “He reached out to me—”  _Figures._  “And I’d like to find out if he knows anything. There are two options.”

“Yes?” I prompt.

“I can either have him come  _here_ , or I can meet him somewhere else. I don’t know which you’d like less...”

I sigh and jab him in the side. “Tohru...” I shake my head, knowing this was going to be an issue—If not today then sometime in the near future. “I figured you’d want to talk to him. And I  _know_  you’re asking him about slipping you games,” I groan, giving him the You’re-a-Moron look. “It  _is_  good to keep a network of informants, like I did say.  _I_  don’t want to deal with him...”

_He did try to kill me..._

I fall silent, frowning; chewing it over. I see Tohru hug his knees to his chest and watch him think. I shift, uncomfortable under his open scrutiny.

“Alright,” I finally acquiesce. “You’re the point-person for Kubo. You can have him stop by when Nanako’s not home—But you have to tell me when,” I state, ticking off conditions as I go along. “Have him avoid the center of town so we don’t have two of the Midnight Channel—” I stop myself from saying ‘Murderers’ with a groan. Midnight Channel Murderers: their official title. “ _Men_ ,” I try. “Midnight Channel  _Men_  running around for everyone to gawk at.”

He perks up and grins. “Anything else,  _Sir_?”

I shoot him a withering glare for that one, but he clearly can’t help finding it funny. He snorts, trying to hold in a giggle.

I sigh and place a hand on his arm, not wanting to go over the whole conversation with Sakamoto. I’ll stick to the important points. “Sakamoto has to share information on you with Kubo’s precinct, now. You should know.”

Tohru nods. “As long as it’s not hard for you or Nanako, you know I’m okay with people knowing I’m here. I don’t see the point of hiding forever.”

“Yeah,” I breathe. “I know how you feel...”

I pause, knowing this will make him happy.

"I  _told_  Sakamoto," I quietly tell Tohru.

"Really?" he arches an eyebrow, maybe not quite believing me. " _You_? Someone knows about  _us_?" I can tell that he can’t help smiling, even though he shoots me a suspicious look.

I nod. "How did the doctor go?"

"Went fine!” Tohru smiles and picks his magazine back up.

“You telling me the truth?” I question, nudging him.

Tohru nods. “Yup!”

I sigh. “You were in a shitty mood when he arrived. I’d put money on you chasing him away.” I tap my foot, annoyed. “Don’t lie to me. You promised.” I take out a cigarette and he flicks on his lighter.

“He isn’t important,” Tohru tells me, playing with his lighter. “I don’t have anything I need to tell him, so if he doesn’t have any specific questions...”

I study Tohru’s expression as I enjoy the smoke. “So I can ask him how it went? You’re fine with that?”

His eyes narrow. “Completely.”

_He’s bluffing—I’m calling._

“Alright then,” I tell him and walk to the door. “I’ll be going for a walk. Don’t  _trouble_  yourself; stay and wait for Nanako to come home.”

“Okay,” he evenly replies, knowing damn well what I’m going to do.

I put my shoes right back on and leave the house, flicking my cell open once I’ve locked the door.  _Still not used to that..._

I amble towards the riverbank and fish the Aizawa’s contact information out of my wallet. He picks up after two rings.

“Dojima-san?” the man asks.

I stub the cigarette out on the sole of my shoe and sigh. “Speaking. Do you have a few minutes?”

I hear a hesitant “yes”, so I continue.

“I heard you left sooner than expected today.” I pause, feeling my eyebrows coming together in a frown. “Do you think you could fit another visit into your schedule over the next few days?”

“...Yes?” is the response. “I... I have a few hours free tomorrow and I’ll be nearby, if that works.”

“Thank you,” I reply, meaning it. “I’ll make sure to be home this time to help things get going. In a positive way.”

“Sounds good,” Aizawa tells me, noting a time.

“Oh—” I speak up. “One more thing.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Did Tohru mention anything about an injury? I asked him to.”

There’s a pause, then an obviously negative response. “I really can’t say, but I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary, if that’s helpful.”

“Mm-hmm.”  _Piece of shit._  “Thank you,” I repeat and hang up.

I debate confronting Tohru on the walk back to the house, knowing he’ll find a way to weasel out of it.

_I’m not letting it go._

Tohru's not on the fist floor, so I climb the stairs. I'm betting he's in his room, goofing off because he doesn't want to know what I found out. I open the door and walk in.

He doesn't even glance at me until I sit down, pausing his game, but not letting go of the controller. I fold my hands over my knees and take a breath.

“So you like the completely excessive TV?” I ask, attempting to break the ice. The thing’s gigantic—Bigger than his old one.  _There was a sale and all..._

I suppose now that I know what it’s really  _for_ , the bigger the better.

The ice-breaker didn’t work—His hand twitches, and his eyes flick around before focusing back on me. “You didn’t have to buy me a new television,” he firmly says, teeth clamped together and not quite mad, but...

I shrug. “You break it, you buy it, right?”

Tohru grimaces. “Heh...  _Yep._ ” He pulls in a big breath, closing himself off. “That’s what they say.” His mouth quirks in irritation.

I smile a little, worried he’s acting off. I try another adage, wanting him to know it wasn't that expensive. “I got a deal, so no skin off my back!"

Then he goes a bit blank, thinking about who-the-hell-knows-what. The little bit of color he has drains from his pasty face and he gulps air.

_That’s enough of that... Not the reaction I was anticipating._

"Ah—Tohru?" I ask, leaning forward to snap my fingers in front of his face.

_Back on track—_

"He'll be over again tomorrow, Tohru. He was able to squeeze us in," I say.

Tohru looks confused as he pulls himself back to the conversation, but then his eyes flash and he groans. "Oh, what  _luck_!" he dramatically declares.

I roll my eyes. "Enough. You said you'd work with them to stay healthy."

He nods grudgingly. "I did say that... But it's so much  _work_!!” He smacks his fist on his leg. Then, more quietly: "I can't stand him."

"Why?" I sharply ask.

"Hmm," Tohru stalls. "Everything?"

"That's not an answer," I push back, hearing the harshness in my voice. I attempt to tone it down. "If you can tell me something more concrete, maybe we can fix it." I watch him fidget for a minute, giving me that blank face again. "Get back to me. I don't need to know right this second."

I lean back and start to pull out a cigarette, wait while Tohru puts down his controller to move to the couch to light it. I smirk and slide it back into the almost-empty box as he leans over, beating him at his own bizarre game.

Tohru huffs and flicks his lighter closed and back open, making the flame gyrate pell-mell. "That’s cheating." There’s the  _confirmation_  that it’s some weird game.

"How else can I get your undivided attention?" I sarcastically intone. I lock eyes with him, but he turns his head away, annoyed.

"Be direct?" he exclaims.

I sigh and kick my legs up on the coffee table. "I’ll stay to get the conversation going, then take off. You'll be fine." He glances over at me, still spinning the lighter expertly around, flicking the flame on and off as if by magic. I smirk and take the box of cigarettes back out of my pocket. "I could go for a cigarette while you finish up whatever that is..."

Tohru's eyes dance mischievously as bounces the lighter off the palm of his hand— _lit_ —and then yanks it back before it smacks me in the face. He laughs nastily at my unamused expression, then holds it out to me for real, keeping it still until the cigarette catches.

I roll my eyes and smoke while he grabs his controller and scoots to the floor. He leans against the couch and I watch while his avatar zips by falling blocks and sheep and other preposterous shit as it climbs to the top of the screen. I see static flit across the picture and can't help jumping, edgy from the stuff everyone's filled me in on.

Tohru catches my reaction out of the corner of his eye. "It's just the game—I think," he yawns. "Crazy stuff in this one! I wouldn't be surprised."

"Mmph," I grunt, sharply inhaling a big drag.

Tohru turns around, pausing the game and  _the damn television does it again_! He sees my face change and whips back around.

"Do you, uh, want me to check on it?" he asks me.

I nod, unsure. "If you can."

"Black Frost," he commands, and I see that snowman-demon phase in through the closed window a few seconds later.

"Hee ho!"

"Status report," Tohru demands.

The thing cocks its head, holding a hand to its face. "Feels normal, hoo! But... Hee..." it thinks aloud. Tohru nods, urging it to continue. "Something is restless, ho! In one of your worlds."

Tohru nods, looking lost in thought.  _Then he stands and stick his head through goddamn the TV!!_  I bite down on my cigarette, genuinely surprised when the upper part of his body disappears through the screen—!

The normally flat surface ripples as he looks in different directions, then backs out. "I don't see anything bad," he confirms, giving Frost a look. "It's not shadows? I didn't see any in my world. Is it one of the other places I told you to keep tabs on?"

Frost floats closer to the TV. "No..." It's eyes flit around the room as if it's not positive that's the correct answer.

Tohru shrugs and walks back to the couch. "I guess we'll find out if it contacts us. It’s not supposed to rain today..." He looks over at the small demon to dismiss it. "You can go, Black Frost."

The thing reluctantly eyes the television, then floats through it—I suppose deciding to take a look for itself. I shake my head.

_Will I ever get used to this crap?_

"If you want," Tohru begins without bothering to look at me again. "We can always jam the door locked."

I sigh and lean back, shaking my head. " _Yes, Tohru,_ " I sarcastically tell him. "Because it makes sense that something otherworldly from inside our TV wouldn't be able to get through a stuck door..."

Tohru hisses out a sigh and walks back over to the TV. “You trust me?” he asks, raising his eyebrows and smirking.

“ _Yes,_ ” I reply.

I watch as Tohru reached behind the television to pull out a folding knife. “Do  _not_  freak out,” he orders as he pricks his arm and yells, “ _Naga!_ ”

I forget I’m smoking and my cigarette tumbles into my lap while I gape. A red mist surrounds Tohru, solidifying into a mass, which becomes a tall snake-person who blinks into the room.

_Wh-what the—_

I  _think_  the word ‘tall’, but I really mean  _fucking gigantic_! The thing stands taller than even Kanji—not including the extra ‘height’ of its doubled-over tail.

I pick up the still-lit cigarette and crush it in the ashtray on the table, shaking my head.  _If this is supposed to make me feel safer..._

“Hello again, rain-bearer~” Tohru merrily calls, grinning and doing a little wave at the thing. It stares impassively, looking completely uninterested. “I need you to stay in here for a while and let me know if anything escapes from there,” he tells it and points at the television. “Just keep it in here and send for me, okay?”

The thing folds its arms and nods, looking terribly bored.

“I know... Anything I can do  _because_  this isn’t specifically stated in our contract?” Tohru asks it in a placating tone.

The snake-person continues to stare, its tail twitching once.

Tohru squirms and taps his foot. “Ryou,” he asks, in a strained voice. “How many cigarettes you have in there?”

I open the box. “A couple?”

Looking aggravated, Tohru takes the box from me and pulls one out. He uses the knife to cut it into three pieces, and places them upright in the ashtray after dumping the butts into an empty chip bag. Then he lights them. “Is this good enough?” he asks the thing.

I watch the odd scene with detachment; worried I should keep my presence unobtrusive.

Tohru groans and yanks at his hair. “ _Yes,_ ” he says. “I’ll buy real incense tomorrow,  _okay_?” He picks up his forgotten controller to close his game and shut off the TV. “Do you need to eat or something?” he asks, looking at the snake-person. No answer. “Well, we’re off, then~ C’mon.” He waves me out the door and closes it behind him.

“Tohru, what...” is all I can manage.

He sighs and shrugs. “Trust me—The other one is more powerful but  _way_  temperamental! All this one asks for is offerings...” Tohru shakes his head and stutters a laugh. “I’ll only call the other one if I’m in  _big_  trouble...” I open my mouth to speak again, but am cut off.

“So—I’m going to need you to go out and buy a load of incense and a holder. You’d  _think_  you’d have a home alter what with—A-anyway!! Go out and buy that stuff—And a sturdy lock for the outside of this door. I’ll hold down the fort, here!” He thump his chest and grabs my arm.

“Aah...” I vocalize, letting myself be led down the stairs. I pull on my shoes in a daze and am out the door.

I end up walking to town, passing Nanako and Teddie on the way out of my neighborhood. They call out to greet me.

“Hi, kids,” I tell them, shaking my head. “Need anything from the store?”

“You could’ve asked us,” Nanako replies, smiling.

“No,” I say. “It just came up. Why don’t you two keep to the first floor when you get back?”

Teddie give me an inquisitive look. “Why?”

I huff. “Ask Tohru. I haven’t gotten my head around it quite yet.”

They exchange a glance and hurry on.

_It’s going to be a long night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I'll see you all on Monday!  
> I had some health issues that made it impossible to write for a while and only have three more partial-chapters finished. I did bump up some of the larger-landscape teasing to today to make up for it, and this chapter turned out about twice as long as originally planned! I really hope you enjoyed it and please look forward to next week's installments~ If I put up five a week, we'll be finished with Watakushi in two more weeks... And I have an idea for another one already; hate how the ideas I can't fulfill to completion in this arc are bouncing around in my head. I'm thinking "Kazoku", the word for family, because we'll digress from canon even further and do a background check on everyone and their relationships... We'll see what I can stuff in to things left as canon footnotes—or totally not mentioned—neatly enough that it's within the realm of reason. Pushing the limits is the way to write, man!  
> Have a good weekend and thanks for the support~
> 
> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	9. The Paths We Choose (Kanji)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji talks to his mom about writing in the notebook, and she mentions wanting to get Teddie proper documentation. Kanji and Dojima talk some stuff out and then Tatsumi-sama foists the Teddie-job on Dojima. Teddie comes home and makes a weird declaration about smelling shadows—Could it have something to do with the TV interference? Spoiler: it does!! Kanji and Dojima go get equipped at Daidara’s. Rise confirms her trip to Inaba!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Kuma” is apparently a girl’s name, if you’re wondering why Doujima pauses to question if it’s a good name for Teddie. And I KNOW I’m big on the Japanese terminology and stuff but I call him Teddie... I just LOVE the English pun(s). I’ve also had an epiphany at how weird it is that Persona uses “san” and “kun” and stuff, but then “Big Bro” and “Uncle”. I cringed when it all started to click and I realized I’m three stories deep in inconsistencies...
> 
> I 200% subscribe to the theory on Daidara (and possibly Shiroku) having fought in the last shadow epidemic that settled on Inaba. There is a fifty-year cycle of fog that is mentioned by a towns-person in-game. I don’t see why/how else a shop like the Metalworks could survive in a place like Inaba... Also I inexplicably ADORE Daidara—who definitely knows what the kids are up to. Maybe I can work him in better later...
> 
> Kanji and Rise is my favorite uncommon pairing. I refuse to call it a crack-ship because they have a great rapport—especially in Dancing. I KINDA want to set them up if the opportunity rises...
> 
> Err—I had to cut out a Nanako chapter for this week because it would be too short and I can have the scene be included in Teddie's, so now there's one extra up for grabs! WHO WILL GET IT!? I might make it a "secret" (like how blind boxes are labeled) chapter at the end and have someone unexpected take the reins!
> 
> I didn’t want to make this note into a separate novel, so please see the after-notes for more than you ever wanted to know about koseki!!

Chapter Six: The Paths We Choose

(Kanji)

_I haven't written a story or anything in a long time..._

But I'll do my best because she trusted it to me! I feel happy, but also worried that I'll screw up somehow.

I'm not alone for long, as my mom is also an early-riser. She's wearing a summer kimono and carrying the newspaper. "Good morning, Kan-chan," she smiles.

I sigh and look up at her neutrally.  _No matter how old I get..._

She just laughs and takes food off the counter. "What are you working on so diligently before work?" Mom tries to peer over my shoulder and I scoot the notebook closer to my body. "If it's for the store I can help."

I shake my head and set my pen on the table. "No, Ma, that's not it." I scratch my head and groan. "Nanako asked me to help her with something, and I have to tell the truth, but also be careful not to piss anybody off."

My mom sits with her food and appraises me seriously. "You're so good to that girl, I'm sure you'll do splendid," she assures me.

I can feel myself bouncing my leg, getting worked up. "You know all of it’s  _complicated_ , right?" I snap, wagging my fingers to try and get her to see I really mean ‘supernatural’.

She smiles warmly and starts on her pickled vegetables, looking like she's thinking the whole time she chews. "Well," she starts. "You need to do what you think is right. If you need my help, you know you can always ask. I'm a fairly accepting person," she smiles suppressing a laugh.

"You mean Ted," I grumble. "You don't buy it either, huh? That he  _is_  a foreigner?"

She chuckles and covers her mouth. "I trust you wouldn't bring someone dangerous to live with us. However, I do wish he could’ve gone to school like a regular kid... Teaching him ourselves is difficult."

"That's not answering the question!"

"Dojima-kun set you straight, boy?" she smirks.

I nod, rolling my eyes. "A week ago, maybe. Does  _everyone_  know?"  _Am I just dumb?_

Mom smiles a kinder smile again. "I think most people are comfortable leaving well enough alone."

"Yeah," I give in and turn back to the notebook for a time. Mom eats in silence and watches me work.

I fidget, thinking of another question. "Hey Ma—" I start, and she looks up at me. "What would you do if you saw one of  _them_  again?" I question.

Her reply is simple, and I can tell she knows I mean the killers. "I'd hope they've changed... Or I'd send my punk son after them!" she concludes with a laugh.

I moan, smacking the table. "No one will ever see me any different here?"

"Ooh, that's not it," she scolds, setting down her chopsticks to fold her hands. "I simply mean that I know you'll always step up if someone's in danger."

"That's true," I tell her, smiling. "Okay!" I shut the notebook, barely having gotten through the part about me before I got pushed into the TV. "Time to wake Thing Two," I grin and set off to put the notebook in a spot where a certain Bear can't get into it.

\---***---

It's a slow morning, and I spend it with Teddie, giving him tips and advice to improve his sewing and dying.

The bell jingles on the door and Ted drops his whole bolt of cloth to the floor with a clatter, zooming into the other room to greet the customer.

"Afternoon," I hear Dojima say.

 _—_ Or  _not_ -customer.

"Hey, Ojisan," I call, dusting off and straightening out the stuff Teddie abandoned. "I'm in the back."

He strides through a minute later wearing clothes way more casual than I’ve seen him wear in a damn long time. He’s got Teddie at his heels, buzzing around him and asking inane questions. Dojima reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose and close his eyes, sighing in exasperation—A movement that draws attention to his old injury. The scars extending partway up his neck are easily visible when he wears a tee-shirt.

"Down, Bear!" I chide Ted. He frowns, startled, but then continues yipping and yapping. “I didn’t think you were coming by until later.” I roll my eyes and shrug. "You wanna go grab an early lunch?" I ask Dojima.

"Souzai!" Teddie blurts. "I wanna go to Souzai~"

I exchange a look with Dojima and nods to the door. "That's good!" I exhale, smiling a strained smile. I pull out my wallet, looking for cash "Here's 2,000¥. Have a blast!!" I pat him on the head and he bounces away.

The younger boy eagerly grabs Dojima's hand and takes off towards the other room, comically falling when the guy doesn't move. "Let's go~" he laughs, standing up and trying—very unsuccessfully—to drag the tall, solid man with him.

I sigh.  _I figured if I he left willingly we wouldn't have to tell him to get lost…_

I run a hand through my hair, feeling a little bad. "Go and eat whatever you want, but you gotta leave him here so we can talk alone, okay?"

Teddie finally lets go of his hand and whines, theatrically stalking back out to the front of the store. I know we're good when the bell jingles as the door is slammed.

"So what's up?" I finally ask, taking a seat at the worktable. Dojima sits across from me, looking fairly unhappy. "You usually call first, so it can't be good... You look like you left in a hurry."

Dojima shakes his head. "I didn't want to leave the house until Nanako went to school. Something's weird with our TV, and Tohru doesn't seem concerned, but..."

"Ted doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, either. There shouldn't  _be_  anywhere for something to hide." I tell him, sliding over a cup and pouring cold tea. "Besides, with the old pattern, nothing would happen if it wasn't raining."

"Tohru thinks someone or something is trying to contact us, but he couldn't find anything inside."

I glare, slamming the pitcher back down. "Inside  _where_?" I demand. "I thought we sealed everything off!"

"I don't know!" Dojima helplessly yelps, throwing up his hands. "I don't know about any of this shit. Ask Tohru—This isn't the conversation I planned on having, but it's been on my mind all night. Couldn't sleep..." He groans and drinks the tea. "Tohru made me install a lock on the outside of his door, so we can lock things  _in_  his room." The old man slaps a hand to his forehead, groaning again. "How goddamn nuts is that?!"

I shift in my chair, feeling stupid I never considered just locking the TVs up if I was worried. "That's actually a good idea..." I mutter, picking at a stain on the table. "Should we be doing that, too?"

" _I_  don't know!" Dojima grumbles. "No one tells me anything anymore—" He stops to glare at me. "Speaking of not telling me things..."

I raise my eyebrows, not knowing what's going to come out next. "What didn't we tell you? I tried with the TVs, man, you know I did!" I gripe. "It's not my fault you wouldn't listen..."

"The first thing I  _wanted_  to ask you is about is completely unrelated. It's about Nanako. What's this about her coming to you for help all the time instead of me?" Dojima grumbles.

“Uhh...” I sigh and pour us more tea. "I don't know why... I guess I’m easier to tal— _Find?_ " I pause when I see him wince, even though I changed my answer. I shrug as I pass Dojima his cup. "What do you want me to say?" I drum my fingers on the table. "Sorry, Ojisan... I do my best."

"She's  _my_  daughter, " he childishly sighs.

"You were..." I try to choose my words carefully. "You were so busy all the time. With the court dates, and visits, and  _real_  work—And getting Adachi's shit in order. She didn't want to bother you."

He glares. "It wouldn't have  _been_  a bother!" Dojima huffs in annoyance.

"Yeah..." I trail off.

"Just let me in. I need to be involved—You should've heard the crap she was telling me the other night. I'm worried she's too involved with all of us. She needs a normal life of her own. We all picked this... Mess...” He shakes his head. “But she should get what she deserves."

I don't bother to tell him she's more special than normal kids. He already knows... I think.

_The only one without a shadow._

I wait to see if there's anything else, sipping my tea in silence.

He fidgets and sips at his own, only speaking when he's calmed down. "You're the only one who somewhat understands, and you're...” He looks angry as he says it. “You’re my only  _real_  friend," Dojima sighs, looking supremely annoyed. "I want your advice."

“Eh,” I stall.  _That’s a real lead-up. I don't think I’m qualified for whatever’s about to come out of his mouth next._  "About what?" I tread cautiously.

The other man smacks a hand to his forehead and groans. "I had an angry goddamn afternoon with Sakamoto yesterday," Dojima spits, looking pretty pissed again. "Trying to get me to be nice to Yamamura and then there's this  _other_  stuff flying around..."

I scratch my head— _Shouldn't he want to hang out with the chief?_  "I thought you two were close? You can't ask him? And  _shouldn't_  you get along with Yamamura?"

"Heh," Dojima groans. "We  _were_ _friendlier_. Until Chisato died. Then I didn't care for the way everyone treated me and I distanced myself from most of them, and it wasn't the same... It's probably on  _me_ ," he mutters. "And I don't think that guy understands a lot of things—His kids are younger than Nanako, too, so they aren't very close..." Dojima continues talking to himself, sliding down in his chair. "Kanji," he barks. "What do you know about koseki?"

It's then that the bell jingles again and I groan, thinking Ted's already spent all the money. I'm surprised when I hear my mom call out that she's returned. Dojima straightens in his chair and I tell her that we’re back here.

"Good morning, Dojima-kun," Mom says.

"Good morning," he politely replies, holding up a hand.

Mom looks around the room. "It's quiet. The boy's out?"

"I sent him to Souzai," I tell her.

"And what are you two talking about?" she asks.

I glance at Dojima. "Koseki?" I tell her, trying to ask for  _her_  help with my eyes.

"Perfect!" she claps her hands together—totally misreading my signal—setting down her bag, and taking a seat next to Dojima. "I want to get that boy proper paperwork so he can go to school or get a job. He shouldn't have to rely on us forever... He may want to choose his own path.” She looks between the two of us. “What do you think?"

Dojima sighs loudly. "That would be nice," he agrees.

"Then I leave it to you!" Mom concludes, rising. "It's fine if I adopt him, right Kanji?"

"Uhh, yeah," I nod.

"Me—?" Dojima backtracks. " I wouldn't know how to—"

"If anyone can figure it out, I'm sure it's you, Dojima-kun!" Mom picks her bag up again, beating a hasty retreat. "Well I have to get moving..."

"Ma'am!" Dojima calls as she walks away. "I don't know how to possibly—" he trails off abruptly as Mom's clearly ignoring him. "She isn't listening," he groans.

I sigh. "She's had that in her head for a while, now... But I didn't think she'd pin it on you to get done."

Dojima holds his cup out for more tea. "You now owe me." I roll my eyes and give him the last of it. "I have an idea, but I'm not sure if..." He shakes his head, thinking. "Give me a few days to make some calls."

"Sure," I say, glad she didn't dump this on me.

"Back to  _my_  thing," Dojima grunts, setting down his cup. "So you know how they work—Family registers?"

_...Y'know. I really don't have a great feeling about this..._

"Wh-why?" I question, worried after having witnessed secondhand— _dammit Adachi I know what the hell I'm talking about_ —how a conversation about these things can take a bad turn.

"I'm thinking of adding Tohru to mine." His jaw is set in a way that looks like he already made his decision and is daring me tell him it's a dumb idea.

"Uhh," I repeat, choosing my battle. "Why now?"

Dojima sighs. "Well we've been together for almost six years. This way if anything happened to one of us, the other would gain hospital rights, inheritance, funeral rights, and de-facto custody of Nanako."

"Ooh," I wince. "I  _definitely_  would not word it like that."

He groans. "I know. But these things are important to me— _Which—_ " He looks at me squarely. "Brings me to my next point. Would you be willing to hire—"

" _Nuh_ -uh!" I interrupt.

"To hire—" he tries again but I'm not having it.

" _No._ "

He rolls his eyes and talks through me this time to finish his thought. " _Hire Tohru,_ " Dojima demands, shifting in his seat. "Please," he roughly tacks onto the end.

"Why? I can't afford to pay him and don't really wanna hang around with him all day."

"He, ah..." Dojima scratches his head and rubs his bad shoulder, unsure how to convince me. "He likes you, you know."

"Wh-what??" I sputter, totally confused.

Dojima nods, straightening as he gathers steam. "Yes, he told me! He doesn't often say things like that, but he's happy you're in my and Nanako's lives. And I think it'd be good for him to start to reintegrate."

"Yeah?" I haltingly ask,  _not at all_  okay with that plan.

He folds his arms over his chest and sighs. "It'd be good for him to get a job so later we can get someone else to hire him, for real. I'll reimburse you his pay, of course."

"I'll think about it," I give in.

_It'd probably make Nanako happy—and frikkin' Ted, too._

"Thank you," Dojima quietly tells me. "I don't like the idea of him sitting around the house alone all day. It worries me."

I shake my head, annoyed. "Yeah  _nobody_  likes that idea."

Dojima rolls his eyes and jabs his finger in my direction: a challenge. "Didn't we just establish that you owe me?"

"Oi!" I hold up a hand. "You can't cash in on that until Ted gets papers.”

"He'll need a Japanese name," he counters.

"You know where ‘Teddie’ comes from, right?" I ask, surprised it looks like he  _doesn't_  know. Dojima shakes his head so I tell him. "The English word for a stuffed bear—So ‘Kuma’ is fine."

"That’s...” he starts. “He won’t care—Alright. I'll put in some calls..." He pulls out his mobile and flips through his contacts. "You know Tarou's holding office? He sends me annoying little updates. He might be able to do something. That's all the pull I have, unfortunately—But I'll give him a ring."

_That's not right..._

"What about...?" I start, but then cut myself off because he must've known.  _Damn—Dojima is turning fives shades of red!_

He huffs and slams his cell on the table, punctuating each sentence with a THUMP. "I’m not doing this  _twice_  in twenty-four hours!  _No_ , I will  _not_  be contacting them— _For anything._  All of you need to listen better!”

_Ooh shit. He's getting way worked up..._

“And if it’ll sink Tarou, that’s not fair, either,” Dojima continues, but he’s ratcheting it down. “He’s worked hard to get where he is from the bottom for a second time. If he can’t pull it off, ask me again when Nanako is twenty.”

“Okay,” I agree, glad he has a plan.

Dojima nods. “As long as he stays where people know him, I don’t think anyone cares.”

I scratch my head. "Right. He’ll be fine!" I pump my fist in the air enthusiastically, hoping to cheer him up. He chuckles at my enthusiasm, so I guess it worked.

We share a strained smile, looking towards the main store when the bell jingles again. It's Teddie, already talking as he clomps into the workroom, not even bothering to take off his shoes.

"Here," he holds out a bag to me and puts a paper cup on the table in front of Dojima. "I got you lunch, Kanji! And~" Ted spins in a circle, excited. "Coffee for Dojima-san!" He gestures to the coffee with a flourish. "Annnnnd~~" He reaches into his cargo pockets to pull out a can and a bottle. "Orange Smash for Nana-chan and Dokudami Tea for Aniki-chan!" he beams, proud of himself for spreading out the money.

I lock eyes with Dojima. "You work on getting that done, Ojisan, and I'll do whatever the hell you want."

The man frowns, accepting the coffee. "Thanks kid," he gruffly tells Teddie, trying to hide his emotion. The bear accepts it and takes a seat next to him.

"You'll come with me next time?" he pleads. "I never get to spend time with you..."

Dojima smiles a nice smile. "Sure." He reaches over to clap Ted on the back and the boy perks up.

“What?” I ask him, watching as he leans further into Dojima’s personal space. “Oi—Knock it off.”

“I was wrong…” Teddie sounds surprised as he says it. Dojima scoots his chair away looking thrown, but the bear leans in and pokes his bad shoulder and the man frowns. “ _That’s_  what stinks like shadow!”

“Huh?” I voice, confused. Dojima’s face contorts into a perturbed expression, but he stays still while Teddie prods at him.

“Lemme see!” Ted demands, stretching his collar. “Does this hur—“ he tries, but is cut off when Dojima hollers out an angry curse, glaring. “That doesn’t belong there,” Teddie states matter-of-factly and shakes his head, pointing to a smoother blotch then the rest of it. “Who fixed this?”

“Geez—The  _hospital_!” Dojima grunts, looking shaken. “You can see here,” he tells Teddie, pointing to what must’ve been suture marks.

The boy shakes his head and tries to explain what he means. “Yeah, but  _that_  part isn’t connected to  _this_  part. There’s a piece of shadow stuck in there—I think…” His face is puzzled as he backs up and walks around the room being antsy.

“Ted,” I warn. “That doesn’t make any sense. You  _think_  or you  _know_.?”

He doesn’t come to a conclusion, just purses his lips and says he has to go make a phone call. “I’ll figure it out and let you know when I come by later…” Ted’s voice gets farther away as he races into the house.

"Well," Dojima shakes his head. “That’s not  _not_ disturbing.”

I shrug. “I don’t know what to tell yah. The kid  _does_  have a great nose—For a human.” I rest my chin on my hand. Dojima’s still craning his neck to look at the spot Ted was prodding. “Car accident, right? Wasn’t there a TV in the van?”

“Eeh,” Dojima grumbles. “Not entirely…”

“Hmm?”

“It originally happened when I was blasted at Tohru’s. I knocked over his television… And it… Explo—“ Dojima cuts himself off, frowning. “Y’know.” He folds his hands, looking angry and worried. “I’m saying it  _aloud_  now and... Is it weird this involved a television?”

I shrug. “Things with shadows usually do.”

Dojima narrows his eyes further and sighs. “TVs don’t normally explode, do they?”

“I’ve only seen it once,” I agree. “Uhh—You don’t know about Marie, do you?”

“Try me,” Dojima sarcastically replies. “She once disappeared from my house; completely vanished without opening a single door.”

I scratch my head. “Yeah… She’s a goddess. And when we sealed off her world, the TV we popped out of shot bits of screen at us and made a bang—It was nuts, man!”

“So,” he exhales, trying to draw a conclusion. “You think something made the television explode?”

“Probably,” I nod.

Dojima grunts and smacks his forehead. “Great! I remember zero of what happened from halfway through dinner on.”

“Is there…” I start, trying to piece things together for myself. “Are there a lot of things you don’t remember?”

The old man sighs. “Enough—I remember the important things, generally.” He fidgets with the now long-empty glass. “I used to dwell on everything—and I mean  _everything_ —you name it. I’ve learned that I’m happier letting a lot of it fall away as long things are working out now.”

I nod again.  _There isn’t a right answer, and it’s not my place._

“So!” Dojima rises. “ _I_  need to get home and make sure I still  _have_  a house.” He smirks, looking more upbeat than a minute ago. “So if you want to see Daidara, let’s get going.”

“Okay!” I reply and call for my mom to relieve me for an hour or so. Ted still hasn’t reappeared—Someone needs to watch the store.

“I haven’t had reason to take a good look inside the Metalworks before,” Dojima admits as make the short trip down the road.

I smile. “Most people don’t,” I tell him. “I don’t know  _how_  he’s been around for so long.”

We’re almost past the shrine when we hear a sharp “ _yip_ ”. Startled, I turn towards the torii and catch a small orange head poking above the nearby brush. His ears twitch and he takes off through the gate. “Gotta make a detour, Ojisan,” I tell Dojima, following the friendly fox.

Once we’re off the main drag, he openly leads us to the offering box, yapping when he sits dutifully in front of it. I pull out my wallet and withdraw several thousand yen.

“You know, I’m not even going to ask this time...” Dojima mutters, shaking his head.

The money safely tucked into the locked box, the little guy walks away, returning a minute later with a few leaves for us. “Thanks,” I tell him, patting his head gently.

The fox solemnly looks each of us in the eye before retreating to the overgrowth.

I shrug and walk back to the main road. We’re silent until we step inside the dimly lit shop.

“Welcome,” Daidara calls without turning around from the forge.

“Hi,” I reply.

“Kanji-kun,” the man says. “And someone else.”

Dojima nods and steps forward. “Hello. I’m here on personal business.”

The older man turns around and rests a knife on the stone shelf. “I see. Hope I can help you.”

“We— _Ah..._ ” I scratch my head. “The usual,” I manage. “We’re looking to get outfitted. First time in a while. He’s,” I point to Dojima. “Coming with us. Any ideas?”

“Ahahaha!!” Daidara booms out a bit of laughter. “Is that so?”

“Y-yeah,” I tell him, not knowing what to make of that. Dojima folds his arms, like he isn’t too sure, either.

Daidara “hmph”s and begins walking around his slightly cramped store. “You need an upgrade, kid?” he asks me.

“Yeah.”

“Yuki-chan was by yesterday, too. Thought you might come ‘round.” He selects a light-looking chain-mail top and hands it to Dojima, then picks up a few odds and ends. “Choose two,” he begins to instruct, then pulls up short, frowning. “Wait, you—You don’t have any abilities...” Daidara mutters.

“Huh?” Dojima asks.

Daidara turns to me and sighs. “We’ll just boost his defense, yeah? What is it this time?”

“Heh,” I grin. “Nothing major, right now. Just loose ends to sort out.”

“Kanji,” Daidara fixes his eyes on mine. “You kids broke the cycle. Don’t go pulling something else over, eh?”

I nod. “Right. We’ll take care of this and—”

“Do you  _know_  something?” Dojima interrupts to gruffly question the blacksmith.

Daidara smiles sentimentally. “It’s just a kinship these days. I haven't done more than make weapons in a  _very_  long time...” Dojima studies the other man but backs off while Daidara chooses a charm and a set of bracers for him. “These will raise your skills and stats.”

“And we’re thinking a flamethrower! Can you find one?” I watch while Daidara adds it all up. “Anything else, Ojisan?” Dojima balks when I pull a few large bills out of my wallet. “ _Team_  funds,” I assure him. “We’d all chip in—Yuki-chan’s had the leftover after all this time. We raked in a load...”

Daidara takes it form me and hands back the change. “I might have something useful at home,” the shopkeeper replies. “Come by again tomorrow. And he can always use his gun—Or had that slipped your mind?” Daidara raises his eyebrows and grins.

Dojima sighs and takes a piece of paper out of his wallet, looking uncomfortable. “I do have a list...” he trails off. “Looking for different kinds of ammunition... For...”

“Don’t beat around the bush.” Daidara smirks. “I  _know_  he’s here with that Magatsu,” the old man nonchalantly tells us, packing the armor into a box. When he’s finished, he accepts the list from Dojima and scans it. “Still have that Nambu? I heard he altered it himself.”

“Yes,” Dojima affirms, shifting uncomfortably. “There were some things the police couldn’t locate, and the little bastard told me he’d stashed away his guns somewhere no one could find them.”  _He’s looking really pissed._  “I haven’t found them all, but there are four handguns that I’ve cleared and confiscated—Though I gave them back after last night. He seems to be particularly fond of revolvers.”

Daidara snorts and moves behind the counter to look in a bank of drawers. He stacks a few heavy-looking boxes on a barrel, opening them one by one and removing cartons. He repeats this until there are more than ten different cases of assorted bullets.

“ _This seems excessive, Ojisan,_ ” I remark, getting irritated.

I get a withering look from him and a bark of laughter from old man Daidara.

“You want it all?” Daidara asks before putting the boxes away.

Dojima nods. “I’ll be getting this, Kanji. You’ve already taken care of more than necessary.”

“You can earn some back by selling me the shadow parts you pick up,” Daidara informs Dojima, retrieving a more heavy-duty canvas bag from the back. He loads it all up while Dojima pays.

“Hnn,” Dojima replies. “That so.”

Daidara smiles at us as he places an extra, loaded magazine in with everything else. His sharp gaze flicks to Dojima. “Your first battle is always the worst.” He slides the bags and boxes within reach. “Do your best,” he tells us. “It isn’t about luck.”

\---***---

I’m back behind the counter for the afternoon when I  _finally_  get a call from Rise. I haven’t gotten a definite ‘yes’ from her yet and it’s been bugging me.

“Rise-chan! What’s up?” I happily ask.

“Kanji-kun,” she replies, her cute voice dripping with sarcasm. “Explain this to me  _one more time_...”

I sigh. “I told you— _S’complicated!_ ” I complain. “And you haven’t been back in forever so you should come... Were you able to get the time off?”

“ _Yes._  I’m only aggravated because this sounds like it could’ve been avoided.  _Or_  settled a long time ago. I don’t like the sound of a shadow running around all by itself for so long.”

 _Can’t argue there._  “Well, we’re in it now. A-and Yuki-chan agreed!” I groan. “I don’t want this on Ted, and Yukiko wants a navigator. Bear’s already traumatized from seeing someone  _die_ -die.”

“It sounds nuts—Which reminds me! If Adachi  _doesn’t_  listen, as you’ve promised, I’m not going in there with him _ever again_.” Rise clicks her tongue. “I’m arriving tomorrow night! And I’m bringing a surprise for you all~”

“Y-yeah?” I ask. “Let me know when you’re almost here. I’ll bring the other two to the station! It’ll be almost a party,” I grin despite her not being able to see me.

She giggles. “If you say so...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Koseki are the family registers you hear about from time-to-time. They have a LOAD of super-strict rules and are generally only allowed to native-ethnic (both are necessary) Japanese. The family head is the one who controls your koseki and can be male or female. Basic outline: koseki are lists of family members used to trace your lineage super-duper far back. Usually the oldest member of the family controls the koseki—usually the one referred to as the “family head”. It functions as birth, death, marriage, and adoption records all-in-one. When you marry, one person (usually the female) has to remove themselves from their own family’s koseki and add themselves to their new spouse’s. Not-So-Fun-Fact: until recent years women had no say in koseki and were basically equal to children. There has since been an amendment guaranteeing women equal rights to men; it’s unfortunately also the basis of why there “can’t” be same-sex marriage in Japan. The exact wording specifies male and female persons. But at least women have it better, in all seriousness! I did a research project on koseki a number of years ago and brushed-up recently. I did find out that as of June (of 2017), a few prefectures will be instating new policies, allowing the equivalent of same-sex marriages in those places. Right now, one partner must “adopt” the younger partner to their koseki to receive spousal rights, which is weird and only allows one (actual) child to be adopted to the family, as adoptions are restricted to two children for childless families. “Heir Adoption” is also still a thing. If a powerful family has no child, or specifically a son, they may adopt an heir—And there are even ‘dating websites’ for families to find heirs! Alright—I’ll let up. I find this topic super-interesting, so if you have any questions or want to know more, do tell and I’ll include it next time!  
> Thanks for reading and look forward to an enlightening and more actiony week for our characters~  
> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	10. Kizuna (Teddie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddie goes in the house and makes that phone call to Adachi—Which makes everything more troubling because who the hell is he talking to?! So Teddie scrambles over to speak in-person. After, he runs some errands and meets Nanako at her school, where those girls from before hassle him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaasan is a slightly casual way to call someone ‘mom’.  
> I keep posting later in the day this week... I'm still working to square things away for going into the TV. I keep having different persona/demon or plot epiphanies... And still haven't decided about the Teddie-ing-Thing; keep going back and forth. Kinda flying by the seat-of-my-pants this time! (This morning I deleted two scenes focused on demons aiding some of the characters. Ugh. More than two-thousand words down the drain...)

 Chapter Seven: Kizuna

(Teddie)

Something is  _not_  right—There shouldn’t be any scratchies flying across TV screens. And there shouldn’t be pieces of shadows in people who  _aren’t_  shadows.

"Kaasan?" I call out, entering the house. There isn't an answer, so she's either out or somewhere behind a closed door. I head for my bedroom, shutting my own door behind me.

I find blank piece paper and a pencil, and toss them on the low table in the center of my room. I write "shadow" in really good letters and draw a circle around the word. I scribble a chunk of black and draw an arrow to it. Then an amazing stick figure, and connect it to the shadow piece.

On my phone, I find the number for the Dojima house and call press 'call', hoping Adachi is home.

After a few rings, I hear a bored voice. "Dojima residence."

“Aniki-chan,” I whine into my cell phone. "Did you do something  _bad_?"

"...Teddie?" he asks. He sounds like he just woke up.

"Mm-hmm!" I nod, even though he can't see it.

I hear him whistle. "Great timing! Gimme your number."

"Oh good! Let's trade info~" I excitedly reply and tell him the digits. “Can I put you in as Tohru?” I ask, pushing my luck.

“Why not,”  _Tohru_  grumbles.

And I’m quickly forgetting the reason I called him...

_It was..._

"Ah!  _You!!_ " I yelp. "Do you know how to put shadows in people?"

"What?" Tohru scoffs. "What the hell? Isn't it the other way around? Don't they  _separate_  from people?"

I nod. "I thought so... But I smelled a piece of shadow and—Aniki-chan how do you heal? You told me you can."

"I just do," he snorts. "It takes a load of energy, though, and usually isn't that great..." Tohru sighs through the line.

"So it feels like you're not getting out as much as you put into it?" I ask leadingly, hoping to get him to prove or discredit the hunch I’m sniffing out.

"Well  _yeah_!" he complains to me. "I expend  _so_  much, but it feels like I don’t get back nearly enough... Always such a  _shitty_  job! And a damn pain..."

" _Bingo!_ " I shout. "No—Wait that's _bad_!”

_I think I’m right._

“ _Bad bad bad!!_ " I holler. "That's how a  _drain spell_  works! When you  _drain_  something you heal much less than a regular healing spell! And you probably got something caught in the crossfire!"

_That makes sense—_

_Isn’t good._

“What’re you talking about,  _brat_?” he grumbles.

"Aniki-chaaaan," I moan. "You need to tell him..."

Tohru laughs nervously. "What're you talking about, dumbass? Tell what?"

"What happened to Dojima-san!" I reply. "Since you've been back, something stinks of shadow, and I always thought it was  _you_  I was smelling—But it's  _not_! It's  _him_! What happened? Why did it start when you came back?"

" _No!_ " he shouts. "I'm not telling him. It's over—It-it’s not like it’ll  _kill_  him!"

I sigh. "It's probably causing the problems from yesterday. It's making something jumpy."

"No! It'll stop after we take care of his shado— _Stop it!_ " Tohru cuts himself off to yell at me.

"But I didn't..."

"Not you— _ngh_ —It keeps trying to talk to me.” He groans and I hear some bumpy noises. “ _My_  shadow. It's been really insistent lately..." Tohru gasps into the phone, trying to catch his breath. " _Don't tell anyone!!_ "

"O-of course," I assure him, even though this seems like something  _I really, really, really_ _need_ _to tell someone!_

"I don't want him to know—" I hear Tohru suck in a huge breathe, sounding panicky. "He can't know. He'll  _hate_  me!!"

And Kanji tells me  _I'm_  dramatic!

"It was an accident, right?" I hopefully prod.

"Yes, but—"

"Then you should just tell him. And we should try to get it out..."

Tohru’s silent on the other end. I frown, worried he's really upset. When he doesn't say anything, I talk to him again. "Do you want to tell me? For practice?" I pause, seeing if he'll answer. "Maybe we can figure out..."

"Fine," he snaps. " _Fucking brat!!_  You'll tell him if I don't, huh? Just freaking get over here quick!" I hear him growl and then the line goes dead.

I save his contact info and shake my head.

_It's okay if you need to blame me for making you tell. As long as you do the right thing..._

_I can help you, too!_

I feel a little lighter when I emerge from my bedroom. I see Kanji's mom in the Japanese-style sitting room, reading a magazine.

"Kaasan~" I wave. "I'm going to see Aniki-chan for a while. Call me if you need me~" I smile as I put on my shoes, then hurry out the door.

_I wish I kept the tea... I could've given it to him myself now._

"Aww..." My right pocket is empty except for a tissue and a receipt. And  _those_  can't buy food...

"Hmm!!" My left pocket holds my Dojima key and one coin— _500¥!!_

_...but I need that to buy popsicles for Nana-chan later. Aniki-chan won't mind, right?_

There are more people out now, because it's around lunchtime. I wonder what Kanji and Dojima are doing?

_They didn't have to kick me out earlier... I don't get to see a lot of Dojima-san. I know he'd like me more if we got to hang out sometimes!_

_But the only thing he thinks about is Aniki-chan!! And maybe Nana-chan. And sometimes Kanji..._

_But is there any room for a Teddie on his list?!_

_Hnn. At least Nana-chan always wants to see me~ I'm never lonely because I have her! And she's the top of my list—So haha to the rest of you~_

I laugh to myself as I skip past the riverbank.

_I can bearly believe she likes it that I walk her home. I could do a cartwheel~~ I like having a routine with her!_

When I'm finally in front of the Dojimas’, I pull out my shiny new key. "Hello~" I call, turning it in the lock.

Tohru is there when I open the door. " _Hey,_ " he folds his arms, speaking in a growly voice. He's wearing shorts and an ancient police sweatshirt that's been cuffed like a billion times cause his arms are tiny.

"Pretending to be a criminal while dressed like a cop?" I ask, wondering if it's a game.

Tohru shakes his head and huffs. "No. I'm  _angry_. This is comfortable and..." He pulls the hood over his face so I can't look at him as he moves so I can enter. "Just get inside, kid."

I walk through the door and hop over to the couch. It's just Tohru and I, so I take Dojima's seat. Adachi sits on the other end and crosses his legs underneath himself, looking mad.

"So what am I supposed to do?" he grunts. "Say 'I'm sorry I almost killed you and somehow stuck a piece of shadow in your arm?' That'll go over great~" He lets out a high-pitched laugh that doesn't reach his eyes.

"Why? Did you mean to kill him? Was it dangerous? Did something attack? Were you trying to protect him? What did you fight?"

" _Argh!_ " Tohru moans. “One at a time! And  _no_ ,” he firmly states. "I didn't know what the hell I was doing. It—it just happened—Things kept escalating and I was having a hard time staying in control of myself—And I was never able to do anything like that over here before  _and_ —"

I nod, trying to make sense of his story.

"He  _said_  to!” he spits. “He said I  _should_! And then it was—" Tohru clutches his head. "No! Go  _away_! I won’t—" He grunts and shrieks. " _Fuck_  off!  _Go away!!_ " I move closer, peering at him arguing with himself while he pants and gasps, yanking his hair. He moans and claws his head, then finally looks back at me, his eyes needing a minute to refocus.

"Was that your other self?" I ask, scooting even closer so I can pat him on the arm.

Tohru nods, grimacing. "It keeps trying to pop back in. Like he knows I'm getting weaker— _Desperate._ "

"Why are you getting weaker?" I ask, thinking he looks the same.

Tohru’s eyes dart back and forth across the room. He snugs the hood of the sweatshirt over his face again. "Because I like it here," he quietly tells me.

"But that's  _goo_ —"

Then his snaps back and I can see his eyes change, looking as if they get darker. " _Get fucking lost—!_ " He cuts himself off by ramming his fist into the side of his head in a way that looks like it would hurt. I flinch, worried I should call Dojima. "Don’t—He  _won’t_  come out—And I need the power."

"O-okay," I say, even though I don't have a clue. "So what happened?"

"I was trying to tell you—It was the first time anything from over there worked out here." Tohru’s eyes are bright again, looking into mine. "I don't know—No..." he stops himself, grimacing and baring his teeth. "I  _do_  know. I don’t want to admit it."

I nod for him to go on when he's ready. Tohru sighs, drawing his knees to his chest.

"It was my shadow. It wanted me to reject everything... I-I didn't want to—And I know you can use a persona and abilities and stuff over here if you have enough power or the right conditions." He shifts his eyes away from me and looks down. "I was boiling over inside. It was so intense—" He looks like he's pissed  _and_  going to cry. "The shadow gave me a nudge and I accidentally loosed a zio."

I gasp.

So  _that_  was it!

"I-I threw him in the TV right after—So I could  _fix_  it!!" Tohru’s eyes are dropping tears, but I don't think he knows it. "I did it  _wrong_ —or something—Nngh!  _You_  said I used the wrong spell! I-I-I screwed up!! And I couldn't fix it.  _So I lied._ " He leans his chin on his knees, frowning. "I told him he was so drunk he smashed my TV. It  _is_  something he'd do..."

Tohru sighs shakily. He grabs the sides of his head and groans. "It didn't even  _sound_  like a lie! He was always so worked up and drunk it played right into what I said... I can't tell him I lied  _now_! He wouldn't—" his eyes widen and he looks scared.

"What?" I ask a little too loudly. "Is it him again?"

" _No,_ " Tohru shakes his head and laughs bitterly. "If I tell Dojima—what if he makes me leave. He should  _hate_  me—For so many reasons— _I don't want to!!_ " He hides his face in his knees, scrunching up as small as he can. He chokes out the last part—" _Don't make me do it!!_ "

He's making some screechy noise that _could_ maybe be crying.

"I'm not gonna make you!" I declare, standing so I can pat him on the head—er, hood. "And he's  _not_  going to hate you! That's not how Dojima-san is! You just gotta explain it!”

" _It's my fault!_ " Tohru moans. "I think it's why Ryoutarou gets so many headaches. And he has some other memory issues—The others were saying... I ruined  _everything_!" He starts wailing again and it's still not quite crying, but definitely chilling and  _sad sad sad_!

"Come on," I softly tell him. "You don't know if you don't try. Wouldn't it be nice if he forgave you?"

Tohru keens and grabs at his head again. " _Nooo!!"_  he spits. "That would be bad,  _too_!! How can you forgive someone for almost  _killing you_? And now  _he’s_  saying he put the shadow piece in there so it would come take care of my mess—That I would  _screw it up again_  and if I let him take over I don’t have to do anything and it’ll— _Dammit!_ ”

_I don't know what to do..._

If Tohru wants to keep it to himself there isn't much I  _can_  do. I sit back on the couch next to him and silently wait for him to calm down.

"Then what will you do? He'll probably find out when you all go into the TV in a few days..."

Tohru rolls his head towards me and sighs. "I don't  _know_." He looks so unhappy. "Everything is going to change..."

"It would've changed  _anyway_!" I retort. "We're not the same after we face our shadows. We're stronger— _We're_ _better!!_ We’re more accepting." I lean forward, trying to get him to look up at me. "You should  _try_  and tell him before—Then it won’t be so bad if he does figure it out..."

Our conversation is cut short when we hear Dojima call out as he opens the door. I sit regular on the couch and Tohru peeks out from the sweatshirt, eyes practically glowing in the dark room.

“What if it goes wrong—Like mine?” he whispers before snugging his hood again.

"What're... You two... _Doing...?_ " Dojima stupidly asks when he sees me sitting patiently next to Tohru all scrunched up. He’s weighed down with a bunch of stuff, and is just setting it all down on the table when I decide it’s time to go.

I squeeze Tohru’s arm and tell him the only thing I can. “It  _won’t_. Kanji and the others will support you!”

_I should let them talk..._

"I—I gotta run, Dojima-san! Sorry!! Bye-bye Aniki-chan! Call me if you need to~" I blurt and run for the door. I don't want to give anything away that isn't mine to tell.

At home again, I hang out with Kanji’s mom while he does the afternoon deliveries. We play cards until Kanji comes back and tells us to get back to work.

Thankfully it’s almost time to head to the middle school. I stop at a store near the main gate and pick up two Topsicles, hoping they won’t melt. I stand under the big tree because I love the shade and hold the icy snacks by the bags so I don’t make them turn to juice quicker...

I bounce from foot to foot as the usual kids come out first, a few greet me because they live near us or know me from when I worked at Junes. Two girls from Nanako’s class look like they’re heading right fo—They  _are_ coming to talk to me!

“Good afternoon, ladies~” I say to them. I don’t know their names, but they talk to Nana a lot, so I should be nice in case they’re friends.

They look at each other before one replies. “Who  _are_  you?”

_That’s a little rude..._

“I’m Teddie!” I smile. “I’m Nanako-chan’s friend~”

“Are you her boyfriend?” the other one asks me.

“Hmm,” I scrunch my nose. “I don’t think so. Just a boy who’s a friend!”

The same one again: “You’re always here. Why else would you hang around with someone quiet like that when you’re so  _loud_.”

“She’s my best friend!” I say, catching a little bit of whine in my voice. “I’m _loud_?”

They snicker. “ _Yes_ ,” the first one tells me. “And a foreigner, right? Is that why you don’t go to school?”

“Yeah!” the second one picks up the thread immediately. “My sister said you  _never_  went to school but you were always with the older guys.”

_So? Is that bad?_

“I-I don’t know,” I reply, shaking my head.

_The popsicles are gonna melt..._

“You shouldn’t hang around here if you don’t go to our school. At least stay at the gate like the  _other_  visitors.” One of them says and then they hurry off, laughing about something.

_The popsicles are gonna be juice..._

I look back at the gate, unsure for the first time if I should go out there.

_But then what if she can’t find me cause I move?_

_I don’t want her to be upset..._

“Teddie!” Nana’s voice finally breaks into my thoughts, reaching me.

I look over at her and hold out the smushy food. “Th-the Topsicles...” is all I can say.

“Huh?” she asks, cocking her head. “Oh, I’m sorry! I can buy more if you want!” She smiles guiltily and takes them from me, attempting to open one anyway. It spills over her hands and she laughs nervously. “Sorry I ruined them...”

“No—It’s okay!” I rush to reassure her. “I just wanted to bring something fun. We can throw them away.” I zip behind her to take wipes out of Nana’s bag so she can clean her hands.

She smiles at me when I walk around again. “Thanks,” she says.

“Y-yeah!” I reply. “Of course.”

All cleaned up, we pitch the trash at the door of the store and she buys another round for us. I know I’m quieter than normal while I eat, but the stuff those girls said is bugging me.

“Some of your classmates talked to me today,” I finally try to tell her.

She frowns. “Which ones?”

“Uh... Girls,” I remember. “Two. I’ve seen them before but I don’t know who they are.”

Nanako sighs and I don’t like that. “Did they bother you, Teddie?”

I shake my head super-quick. “No! But I didn’t know I was supposed to wait for you outside the gate. Did you get in trouble?”

“What?” Nana asks me. “You don’t have to—That’s really old-fashioned and the school knows who you are, so it’s no problem at all.” She throws away the rest of her food, looking a little angry. “They said that, huh?”

I nod, nervous. I pitch my stick and rush to the door, suddenly wanting to go home—er—to  _her_  home where everybody likes me and I won’t feel like I’m causing trouble anymore.

“You’re so jumpy today, Teddie,” Nanako sighs, grabbing my hand to slow me down.

I glance down at our hands and  _should_  feel happy, like I always do, but I just feel more nervous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	11. Surrounded by Fools (Ryoutarou)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On his way home, Doujima gets a text from Rise and then calls Namatame. After, he has an argument with Adachi, which actually gets resolved. Appearances from Aizawa and a ‘guest’—A guest who seems dangerous and makes a deal with Adachi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems like most Persona characters aren’t aware of the specific arcanas or where they themselves fall. But the protagonists must know, as they gain new arcanas and personas/fusions when they social link. For Mukidashite purposes, everyone associated with the Velvet Room knows, as well as the Fools (including Adachi). He’s had five years of “free time” to think on it and explore more about personas and demons. It’d make less sense if he didn’t know.
> 
> Style notes... I like to keep parts that are all the same person speaking together, but I ended up breaking up Tohru’s “monologue” because it’s punctuaitonally confusing. That’s the phrase I’m sticking with.
> 
> And meh. I’m worried it’s barely passable as B-Level dialogue and drama, but I’m pretty committed to seeing this storyline through... I DO love Arakawa’s quote about B movies being the best... But I KNOW I ain’t no Arakawa... >.<

 Chapter Eight: Surrounded by Fools

(Ryoutarou)

The supplies we got from the Metalworks are heavy. I should’ve brought the car, but I thought the walk would do me good.

_I heard my phone beep a while back... A text from a number I don't have saved. Maybe if I read it..._

I fumble the boxes to take my phone out. It reads: _“I'm bringing an overdue surprise for you and Nanako-chan!”_ and there’s a face next to it.

_...Nope._

I have no clue who it is; could be any of the damn kids. I reply asking what's going on and put my cell away.

 _And_  it beeps again almost immediately. _Why doesn't anyone just call anymore?_

_“It's Rise~ We'll cheer you guys up!”_

I sigh as I reply: _“Don't go to trouble.”_

_They all mean well, but every time I think things can’t get more tangled, one of them ‘surprises’ me._

While I have the device out, I should phone Tarou. His number is saved, so I bring it up and press enter, raising the cell to my ear.

_Straight to voicemail._

“Hi,” I begin. “This is Dojima. You’ve told me to ask if you could ever help. I need a favor, if possible. The boy who says he’s a bear—Would you be able to, ah, ‘ _find’_  his documentation? I believe he’s a member of the Tatsumi family: Tatsumi Kuma. Spelled like “bear”.”  _What else would he need to know?_  “Hmm... He’s... Sixteen? That sound right? Seventeen...? Anyway, get back to me.”

I hang up and put my phone away. It dinged two more times, but I’ll get it later.

The house is dark when I arrive. I squint and can just make out the silhouettes of Tohru and Teddie hunched over on the couch. The boy panics and runs to the door almost immediately, throwing apologies behind himself.

After he kid runs outside, I kick off my shoes and set the packages on the table, then make my way to the couch. I set the drinks on the low table. "He got that for you, you know," I tell Tohru, pointing to the tea.

Tohru quietly stares at it, looking shaken. "...I like tea."

"I know," I nod. "It was nice, yeah?"

He nods, still not unfolding himself from that balled-up position. "Is there anything you want to tell me?" I ask, concerned it could be something new, but also intuiting that Teddie was asking him about me.

Tohru shakes his head a little, but doesn't move. I sigh and sit on the couch next to him.

"What is it?" I ask.

His shiny eyes study me. It's not just his position, but something about him seems more guarded and  _off_. When I reach out to place my hand on him, Tohru jumps backwards.

" _Don't—_ " he groans and I pull away.

His volatile attitude—

The way he's pushing me away—

" _Shit!_ " he sputters and grabs his head.

" _No you don't!_ " I shout. "This feels too much like—"

_I can't say it._

Tohru's eyes shine in the darkness.

"We're not—" I try again.

I draw in a breath and calm myself enough before managing to speak. "You're not running away this time.  _Tell me_ ," I demand.

_This feels like—the hospital—all over again._

I watch as he curls further into himself, craning his neck so his head is even tucked behind his knees a little. Sick of this shit, I grab Tohru by the sweatshirt and yank him to a normal position. " _Sit up and look at me, goddammit!!_ "

That seems to snap him back to reality. He's upright, but continuing to look at me with so much distrust. "Have I  _ever_  given you reason  _not_  to trust me?" I forcefully question. Met with another stretch of silence, I can feel myself getting worked up.

"I  _always_  believe you— _You_. I always,  _always_  open up to you and tell you how I'm doing; tell you if something's wrong; tell you the  _truth_! I  _don't_  shut myself down. And I can see it written all over your face—But I will  _never reject you_. So you need to tell me  _what it is that's so goddamn awful before it blows up in your face again!_ "

We stare at each other for a long time, neither of us speaking.  _Just glowering, glaring so hard that if looks could kill..._

The doorbell rings, making the both of us jump. Tohru glances at the door, but doesn't make a move. I sigh and stomp over, knowing this is going to be fucking  _great_.

"Hello, Aizawa," I greet the poor guy.

"Hi," he replies. "Excuse the intrusion..." The man slips out of his shoes and walks to the dining room table. "Can we get some light in here, please?" he asks, looking around.

"Yes, sorry." I turn on the kitchen light and open the curtains to the sliding glass door.  _That does make it feel much better in here._

"Water?" I ask the doctor. He shakes his head 'no', so I stand awkwardly for a minute, unsure what to do about Tohru. " _Ah,_ " I gesture helplessly to the couch.

Once Aizawa has finished taking out Tohru's papers, he finally notices the other man has curled back into a tight, little defensive ball. He has his arms hooked around his shins and his head buried in his knees, not looking at any of us.

Aizawa glances at me with wide eyes, as if he doesn't know what to do, either.

_Great._

_Great..._

_Back to me._

I sigh and walk back over to the couch, unconsciously reaching for a cigarette. When he hears the rustle of the box, Tohru does poke his head up again, but stays otherwise still. "You wanna light this for me?" I ask him, spinning the tube of paper between my fingers.

Tohru narrows his eyes into a glare. I move to sit next to him and stick the end in my mouth.

The lighter is in front of me so suddenly I can barely see the cigarette catching. "Huh?" I balk, registering it only after I start pulling in smoke.

Tohru turns to Aizawa. "What if I hurt somebody— _a long time ago_ —but I never told them."

"Are—Are they still  _alive_?" Aizawa questions, unsure in what capacity he's being asked to respond. Tohru nods, so he chooses an answer. "Do you want them to know?" the other man patiently asks.

Tohru shakes his head this time. "But they have to..." he trails off, still looking away from me. "I ruined everything _._  I think somebody made me hurt them, but  _I don't know_ —It  _could've_  just been me." I can hear him suck in a big gulp of air; can see his body jump a little with the motion.

"I can't tell—I can't remember who was in control—" He stops speaking to smack himself in the head and Aizawa twitches in concern, but lets Tohru carry on. " _He's me_ , so it was me, right?" It comes out pleadingly. "I'm the one who did it—And then— _And then—_ " he cuts himself off abruptly again to clamp his hands over his ears.

_It feels like a knife twisting in my gut—I know what that feels like by the way._

_I don't know what to do to make him feel better. Whatever it is, I can't do it for him, nor can I tell him how to make it right._

Which strikes me as odd, considering  _I'm fairly certain he's speaking about hurting me._

 _But he doesn't feel dangerous_ —Never has.

_Is that part of the problem?_

I take the ceramic dish off the low table to ash my cigarette, then decide better and stub it out completely.

_I'm done just sitting and watching._

"Tohru," I call out to him. He jumps but doesn't turn to me. "You don't have to tell us  _who_ , just tell us  _what happened_  in a way that’s intelligible—In a way that makes sense. Can you do that?" I contend. I'm ready to give up and crack him a good one out of complete, _absolute_ frustration when—

" _My—someone_ — _he_ —" Tohru mumbles, then chooses the first word. " _He._ He wanted me to do something—I wasn't sure if I  _should_  because I've had problems with  _self-control_  in the past—But I  _wanted to_ —And I—" Tohru groans.

"I was told to—to... To push him into an exposed wire and I  _wanted_  that because it sounded like fun—And then it bit down on him and he almost  _died_... When I tried to fix—When I tried to bring him to a safe— _to a hospital_. Then the other guy threatened me that he would take someone else I cared about so I pretended I didn't hear and—All this time— _Like I didn't hear—_ "

Tohru pauses, covering his ears, and Aizawa tries to interject. Tohru quickly cuts him off to continue.

"Then my  _only real friend_ —the only person who's ever just  _given_  to me while wanting  _nothing_  in return—got tak— _got sick_. They got so, _so sick they died_ , and only came back because I turned myself in to  _help_ —And I thought that would be enough and I could just go away but—But  _no_ — _No._  The first guy had to come and tell me that  _he_ — _a fucking idiot_ —Why would he lov—Like that could happe—Who woul—" He yanks on his hair and says this last part so desperately it hurts to listen. " _I almost killed him!!_ "

Tohru clutches his head and shakes for a moment, then he finally,  _finally_  raises himself and looks at me, challenging me to tell him he's wrong. " _Nothing is ever good enough. I will always want more—and more—and more—until I ruin everything._  That's what I  _do_!!"

"Oi, Tohru!" I say, sliding closer to him. "What did I say earlier? I'm still here." I grunt and pull him into a half-hug even though his doctor is here and it's uncomfortable. To his credit, the other man doesn't act like he's even noticed; sitting at the table and scribbling away.

Tohru's eyes are still bright and daring, like he's waiting for me to yell at him and tell him to fuck off, even after all these years. " _Don't..._ " I sigh. "It's over, yeah?"

I wait for him to nod slowly, and then I squeeze him with my arm. "Then it's over; it's  _done_ —If I really needed to know, there were so many times I could've asked, so many hints that I should've—” I sigh. “I didn't want to bring it up, either." He's still guarded as he regards me, but shares a small, thin smile. "If you needed to say something, you  _should've_ —You need to tell me things.” I poke him and he frowns.

"That was good of you to share," Aizawa commends Tohru, breaking into the moment.

"I agree," I concur. "I'm glad you were able to tell me that."

Tohru glances suspiciously between myself and Aizawa. "Can he  _go_  now?" he begs me.

I roll my eyes and look over at Aizawa to see if he has anything to add. "That's alright," he tells us. "You did good today, Adachi-san."

"Thanks, Aizawa-san," Tohru mumbles—And it's not lost on me that he used a more proper title than usual.

I stand to let Aizawa out, but Tohru has my wrist in a death grip. "Give me a minute," I murmur to him, and his eyes flash, but he lets go.

I shut the door behind the doctor, lock it, and heave a sigh. Tohru is stretched out more than before: his knees are still up, but his back is straight. "Feel better?" I ask hopefully. He nods. "Then what time is your next  _appointment_?" I grumble, a touch of sarcasm lining my tone as I know it's Kubo.

"Soon." Tohru sighs. "Sit with me," he demands.

"Do you want to watch TV?" I ask, not thinking. He shoots me an astonished look.

"Old habit?" I shrug and sit down next to Tohru, flicking the TV on anyway; curious if the raid will show up in the headlines— _If they found anything._

I take Tohru's hand in mine and caress the back with my thumb while I watch the latest zip by on the ticker lining the bottom of the screen. He pulls out his phone to read his own brand of news while we wait for his copycat.

I hear a faint noise and turn to the source—The front door is unlocking.

_Kubo doesn’t have a key. And it’s too early for Nanako and Ted._

“Hello~” a high-pitched voice booms, as someone both strange-yet-suspiciously-familiar waltzes in.

_A woman in a blue dress. Platinum hair. Piercing yellow eyes similar to Tohru’s._

“Wh-who are  _you_?” I question, jumping to my feet. Tohru throws out his arm to stop me, and I shoot him a look.

_Does he know her?_

“Hmm,” the lady thinks aloud. “It sounds like a joke! ‘A Fool and a Hierophant walk into a bar...’” After a pause she laughs, finding her nonsensical statement hysterical. “I am Elizabeth! We have never met, but I know you—and you... And I once more find the changes happening to the people in this town  _intriguing_!”

Tohru snaps his fingers. “I remember you! I saw you during the Tournament—With Rise.”

“Yes, I believe you did.” Elizabeth sits on the edge of the dining room table and flips through a large, old book. “Hmm. I sense two more presences; one contracted and a ronin... However, the one I seek is you, Fool.” She closes her book with an audible  _thump_  and points at Tohru. “You do not have a Wild Card, yet you wield multiple Personas. How is that?”

I cock an eyebrow, surprised Tohru isn't angry at being insulted. Instead he grins, a triumphant expression settling on his face.

“I contract directly— _Times are changing~_  I’ve been approached by several demons.” Tohru looks more confident than I’ve seen in a long time, as he stands and walks closer to the blonde woman. “I’m unrestricted by a contract bound by  _your type_.”

Elizabeth’s yellow eyes bore back into his with equal avidity. “Well I would like to learn more.”

Tohru smirks. “ _Would you?_ ” he questions. “And what would  _I_  get out of it?”

“My!” she giggles. “I usually find myself on the other end of such bargains.”

“Well I don’t come cheap, lady—You don’t get  _anything_  in life for free.”

The woman smirks knowingly this time. “You can bank it. I’m handy in a battle~”

“ _Really?_ ” Tohru replies, stretching out the word. “And I suppose I could just  _call_  you?”

“As if from thin air,” Elizabeth nods gravely. “Poof!” She mimes an explosion, then extends her finger. “But one time only.”

“And what do I have to do?” he asks.

“It’s very simple,” she scoffs. “You fight me—Throw each of them at me so that I may see how you work together.”

Tohru nods. “Done.”

“I can see that you’ve currently got your hands full...” As Elizabeth stands and ambles to the door, she throws back one last remark. “Another Fool will rise soon—I’d hoped to meet her, too. For now—Ciao!” When she exits, we see the door close on its own and the bolt return to ‘locked’.

I shake my head silently and collapse back down on the couch.

“That one does whatever the hell she wants,” Tohru tells me, laughing. “But she isn't dangerous.”

His flickering eyes and nervous chuckle tell a different story, so I raise my eyebrows at him. “Though if she were, well good luck to us!”

I let out a long sigh. “Super.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow I’ll be posting early! I’m leaving on a business trip am a bit ashamed to admit I don’t own a laptop—Only an ipad and desktop. So I’ll write write write on the way, but will have trouble posting. I prefer editing in a regular ol’ word processor. (Also my eyes are going again... Need new lenses... Tablet screen smallll!!) So I can’t post until Friday night, when I arrive back.
> 
> Now, I’ve been leading up to and working on the shadow confrontation for a damn long time! It’s not slated to be posted until next Monday, but I’m hoping to push it out on the weekend and then start the wrap-up chapters on Tuesday. It’s called ‘Due Duality’ and I’m only halfway done, but it’s ALREADY over 5000 words... And that’s after I cut several scenes because I keep changing the plan. When I post Friday I’ll put a note on how close I am to being done (ie Saturday or Sunday).
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and sticking with me through this—er—novel? It’s basically a novel at this point, and has been a super-fun journey~ I appreciate any thoughts! :D
> 
> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	12. Learning (Tohru)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tohru meets with Kubo and is surprised it goes well. After, Ryoutarou asks him about the future—And they’re interrupted by something disturbing. It BEARS serious consideration... Speaking of bears, why isn’t Teddie acting quite himself? Nothing a surprise sleepover can’t fix! Tohru gets to play at being watchman with Kanji, whom he’d much rather harass. Kanji, might I add, lets the cat out of the bag on the “surprise”—Kanami’s coming with Rise! Tohru wants to know who the hell THAT is. He’s starting to feel like he missed out on more than he realized; all these new people and things he has no knowledge of...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a lot to chew on while I’m away! This chapter has DEFINITELY been the most fun to write for Watakushi!!! I’ve been really looking forward to the actual shadow confrontation... But there are some super fun parts in this, and those are kinda my favorite.
> 
> NEWS!!! Today I'm OFFICIALLY adding the Nanako/Teddie tag!!! It's kind of been building in that direction, and I think Nanako knows and is cool with it, and Teddie's figuring it out—He'll get a push tomorrow from somewhere I find semi-unexpected. Let's see how it turns out!! (Because the scene referenced in today's chapter I'm now redoing tomorrow's!! DON'T EVEN CARE. NO REGRATS!! WORTHIT!! OMG GONNA BE BEARIFFIC!!)
> 
> [***And FYI don't be concerned: we will NOT be needing the underage tag! I'm not writing explicit stuff about them and seriously you even think Ted knows what that literally means?? lol***]

 Chapter Nine: Learning

(Tohru)

The next visitor is planned, but the knock at the door still makes us jump. “I got it,” I assure Ryoutarou, walking to unlock it myself this time.

_Heh. Made me a good trade, but I don’t like how powerful she is..._

I open the door to a sullen Kubo.  _At least this one I can take fairly—Or overpower._

“Hello,” I say, holding up a hand.

_Goals—What can I learn and how much can I trust this one?_

The kid gives me a forced smile and steps inside, kicking off his ratty sneakers. I hear the glass door slam and know Ryoutarou went outside.  _Easier for me._

I lead Kubo to the living room and press mute on the TV remote. He places a large paper bag on the table and I hand him the cash.

“Thanks~” I say, slapping on a smile. “Knew we could work something out!”

Kubo eyes me warily. “So what’s the situation here?” he asks, drumming his fingers on the tabletop.

I take my time inspecting the games he brought me before I answer.  _Let him wait._

“Well,” I dramatically sigh. “Some of us retained our powers—Though I’m guessing you  _didn’t_.” Kubo nods, looking peeved at that.  _Good._  “We’re tying up some loose ends right now—Private business... But I’m hoping when it’s over we won’t need to bother with all this again.”

_That’s probably not true. Hasn’t been the pattern thus far..._

Kubo seems to buy it. “Okay,” he says. “So what’s the story with the little shadow?”

“He was trying to get my persona to reawaken—Said it’s better to keep it for protection.”  _Mostly true._

“I see.” After that comment, he’s quiet for a while, just watching me tear into my new stuff.

“You, uh, play any of these?” I ask.

_He just keeps staring like he wants me to talk or something._

Kubo nods. “Yeah. You’ll like the new Danganronpa. I played it straight through on a weekend...” The corners of his mouth lift in an bitter smile. “You know how it is—Nothing else to do.”

“Y-yup~” I catch my faltering and turn it into a happier sound at the end, showing off my practiced smile again. “So boring around here!”

“Hah, yeah,” Kubo agrees. “Don’t know why I came back...”

I scratch my head, genuinely unsure how to reply. “We-well,” I begin. “You know what they say—The devil you know and all that!”

He smiles a tired, but more honest, smile this time. “Yeah.”

_And I feel like maybe I get him a little bit—_

_Hmm..._

_Damn—Do I really want to?_

_..._

_I do..._

“You like any multiplayer games? Like Tekken or rhythm games and stuff?” I ask, trying to sound offhand. Kubo nods. “Then come back sometime when it’s just me, okay?”

“Sure,” Kubo replies, sounding a little more like a kid. “But why do you hang around with the cop anyway?”

“Ehh,” I reply, toying with the charger. “Friendships are weird...”

Kubo chuckles—He really has a deep voice. “Tell me about it! Well, I’ll head out then... Let me know.”

“I will,” I say and mean it, feeling my own expression turning more real. I follow him to the front door to lock it. Then I rap on the glass door to let Ryoutarou know he’s gone before I plug in my new system.

“Happy with yourself?” he asks, grinning at me as he walks back inside.

I grimace, feeling guilty for being friendly to Kubo. “I think so.”

“Good.” Ryoutarou takes a seat on the couch and opens a book while I take the plastic wrap off everything.

_Then—Out of fucking left-field—_

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" he asks me.

"With you," I forcefully form the words without even thinking. Then I consider what else to add. "Here... With a job?" I scratch my face. "Yeah! That sounds good~" I laugh uncomfortably.

He gazes at me. "Mm-hmm. What about in ten?"

" _Years?_ " I can feel myself start to sweat—Don’t have an answer.

_I know I said I’d try planning more, but..._

_That’s a fucking long time!_

Ryoutarou nods his head sincerely and I try to form words. "Eeh—Er— _Same?_ I mean... If that's _o-okay_..."

 _Dammit—Now I feel self-conscious. I just had to make it sound like I was asking permission._  I hiss out a sigh and look over at Ryoutarou to try and guess what he's thinking.

He looks pensive. "Yes..." he tentatively replies. "Ah, maybe we'd move, but..."

" _Move?_ " I question. "Move  _where_?" I wouldn't have thought of that.

"The house is a bit big for two people," he remarks.

I shrug. "I guess. How long do you think Nanako will want to live at home?"

Ryoutarou frowns and shakes his head. "I don't know. Most move out these days. And—" he grinds his teeth, looking away and clearly trying to spit something out. "I th-thought you might want us to pick our o-own house."

"Y-yeah?" I ask, scratching at my head. I suddenly don't know what to do with my hands. His freaking shyness is catchy sometimes. I squirm, inching closer to him. "I'd like that," I honestly tell Ryoutarou.

He smiles and slings his arm around my shoulders, pulling to lean on him. I feel myself smiling a little, too. Like there's ‘happy’ spreading out from my core. I can't say I've had something quite like this before.

I glance up at Ryoutarou, knowing it's because of him. He stares back, a question behind his eyes—As if he's not positive I like his idea.

"I want that," I murmur.

He grins and kisses the top of my head, a gesture I find annoying so I try to squirm away. Ryoutarou just laughs and holds me tighter. I grumble and halfheartedly struggle because he always finds that funny—Me trying to get away—As of there's somewhere else I'd rather be—

But I wouldn't tell him that.

_And I think at this point he knows._

I get pulled into a hug that's pretty one-sided cause I can't hug with my  _back_. I sit there and huff, feeling like some animal that's been picked up wrong.

Of course that elicits another chuckle, which makes Ryoutarou start getting touchy. He slides his hand underneath my sweatshirt and rests it on my side like all he wants is to be able to touch me.

_I like that feeling, too. Like being around me is a privilege. I don't care of the rest of the world is shit if I can feel like I belong all the time._

I lean back more, and tip my head up, letting myself  _look_  needy instead of just feeling like I want everything— _Need everything_.

I don't like this showing. It feels  _too open_.

_Like I have nowhere to hide._

Ryoutarou can read my face well enough and returns my dark expression with another of his new smiles—One of the ones that looks like he's satisfied and not just a ball of unhappiness that's simply  _less angry_  for one moment.

He loosens his grip on my so I can turn around and lean up to kiss him. I can see he's still smiling with his eyes as he returns it, lightly pressing a hand to the middle of my back to pull me even closer.

Soon I'm leaning on him more than I planned, practically pushing his head into the top of the top of the couch. I move to back away, but Ryoutarou only snickers and sits up straighter.

"You're  _fine_ , Tohru."

I feel my mouth quirk into a frown, knowing it hasn't always been 'fine' when I move without thinking.

He clears his throat. "You, ah, want to..." he tails off.

_Sure I 'ah, want to...'_

I smirk and move in for another kiss, reaching down to touch him. He lets out a groan and fumbles his hand under the back of the sweatshirt, suddenly in a rush to just get it  _off_. I can't help laughing at how soupy his mind goes when I so much as touch his bottom half, even through his clothes.

Then I have to hold my arms up because he's yanking it over my head whether I'm in the right position or not. I roll my eyes and snicker while he rips off his own shirt.

I smile sadly, running my hands over his shoulders. "Sorry," I mutter, sighing.

He shrugs, grinning crookedly and locking eyes with me. "You're telling the truth this time?" I nod, unsure where he's going. "I pushed you...  _It's alright._ " He says the last part so gently I feel like my heart's smashing.

_Why do you always make me feel these awful, weird emotions?_

_I don't like them._

_I don't..._

_I do..._

_But they hurt_   _._

 _All you're doing is slowly rubbing my back and telling me ‘_ it's alright’ _and I feel like my insides are seizing up._

I try to fall back to sit on my feet, but he doesn't let me go. Ryoutarou sighs contentedly and hoists me forward to lean him and I don't want to. I don't deserve it.

" _Oi..._ " I hear him say. "Stop it—Don't do that...  _It's okay—_ I love you...."

I let out a sharp noise, and squeeze my eyes shut.

_Too much to think about..._

"—o I  _don't_."

My eyes snap open. " _What?_ " I whisper, shocked.

Ryoutarou yanks me away as his eyes search the room, trying to find the source of noise, clearly not realizing that—

" _It's—!_ " I yawp.

He looks back to me and shakes his head, muddled half-words dying at the back of his throat—Looking like someone slapped the shit out of him for no reason.

"—ot tru—" We both freeze as the words come in and out, sounding like someone pissed yelling through a bad connection. "— _ying_! You’re n—me."

Ryoutarou digs his nails into my back and I sit completely still, straining to listen better. "Wh-where is...?” he quietly asks me.

I nod, placating, and hold a finger to my lips.

"—ould  _never_ —a—"

I shake my head—

 _And how does he not hear it?_  "It sounds just like—"

" _—iece of shit like you!_ "

Ryoutarou gulps air. "That’s  _me_!!"

"Not good," I mutter and jump to my feet. We don't hear it again, but I pace the room, thinking. Ryoutarou quickly puts his shirt back on and throws me mine.

 _'Naga,'_ I concentrate.  _'What's it like up there?'_

_'Only me. But there was a disturbance. Someone speaking.'_

_'...need me. You need me. YOU NEED MEYOUNEEEE'_

I shake my head and sharply box my own ear, trying to get rid of the useless noise.

 _'Sorry. That was definitely from inside?'_  I ask.

The inference kicks up again, an unabating screech—

_'EEEEDDDDDMEEEEEEEEEE'_

_'Yes.'_  Naga.

_'Okay. As long as nothing comes out, we're good.'_

_'YYYYYOOOOOUUUUUUUNNNNEEEEEEEE—'_

"Urgh! Shut up!!" I crouch down and smack my head again.

When I climb back to my feet, Ryoutarou is next to me, looking concerned. "Tohru...?" he asks, nervous.

I wave him off. "I'm fine. It's nothing... And nothing's coming out. We're still good to wait till tomorrow."

 _'A hand!'_ I hear Naga gasp.

"Whoo," I sigh. "Fuck! Maybe I spoke too soon—" I dash up the stairs, with Ryoutarou at my heels. I rip the lock free, yanking on the door an instant later.

Inside my room, Naga is waving his spear at a large, human hand. It looks like it's trying to grab onto something— _anything_ —for purchase!

I dive for the couch, tugging my favorite Nambu from underneath. I'm back on my feet in an instant aiming at the _familiar_ hand.

"Let it go," I yell, and Naga backs off, changing its stance to defensive. "Black Frost!"

_‘...eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee...’_

The demon leisurely rolls in through the window as the noise fades out again. "Ho!" it squeaks. "Hooo no!!" He shakes his head. "It really  _won't_  be a shadow for much longer, hoo..."

"Huh?!" I gawk, completely lost. "What does  _that_  mean?! How could—" I pause, squeezing off a round at the television and watching as it gloops in, making an unearthly sound as it passes through the ‘screen’. The hand stills for a beat, then slams itself down on the bottom of the window, trying to pull its body through. "But that's—" I shake my head in disbelief. "Can it  _get through_?"

Black Frost shakes his head, floating closer and pointing to where the hand is struggling, veins bulging. "Can't pull itself up, see-hee?"

I walk closer to the TV and grit my teeth together, knowing my face must look grim.

 _That hand.._.

"You didn't mean  _my_  worlds." My eyes flick between Ryoutarou and the small demon. "You meant one of  _our_  worlds..." I grunt and gesture to myself and Ryoutarou.

"Hee," it vocalizes, sounding irritated. "As I said, ho!"

I tear my gaze between Ryoutarou the demon—Can see both look anxious. “ _And_  you said it’s not a shadow because...” I hold my hands on both the side of my head, trying to concentrate.

After reaching a conclusion— _a bad conclusion_ —I turn back to the TV and motion behind my back for Ryoutarou to leave. He does, but doesn't close the door all the way, standing still and trying to listen in.

“You two stay,” I order and chuff, stomping around while trying to form a plan.

I exit and  _do_  close the door all the way this time, sliding the lock home. I grab Ryoutarou’s arm and drag him into the bathroom, shutting the hallway door and walking all the way to the shower room; closing that one as well. I pace for a minute, aggravated and unable to stop aggressively scratching at my head.

I turn to Ryoutarou after calming down a little. "We've got a problem."

He nods, concluding that was the case.

"We need to move on your shadow ASAP. It's changing." He tentatively nods again, not knowing what that means. I wave my hands around, trying to articulate something. "Don't go in my room again. We’ll keep it locked from the outside and I told you—Nothing that big could crawl out of the tiny TV downstairs, so we don't need to worry about that one—Though it can  _listen_. So don’t say anything important... Anywhere _near_ a TV, really.”

I yank out my mobile to shoot off a text to Nanako and Teddie, saying to keep their yaps shut about  _absolutely everything_  when they’re in the vicinity of a television.

“Anything I can do?” Ryoutarou nervously asks.

I huff, pacing and grumbling. “Well I  _was_  going to have you watch some of the tapes, but I don’t want to show it my hand...” I thump the wall. “We  _really_  have to wait until Saturday?” I demand.

“That’s what Kanji said,” Ryoutarou reminds me.

“I’m giving him a call,” I growl, finding his contact. He picks up on the first ring. “Bad news central!” I sarcastically spit.

“Adachi,” he moans. “What now?”

I start pacing again, unable to stand still. “It’s trying to get out of the TV. We should move  _now_. It’s trying to change itself—We shouldn’t wait.”

“Huh?” the boy asks me, lost.

I groan loudly. “It’s reacting to the— _It’s a long story!_ ” I snap, holding my head. “In short, Teddie was right— _Also it’s trying to be like Teddie_.” This is so complicated! “Argh! It’s trying to find the piece stuck in Ryoutarou and I think—” I cut myself off as I hear the voice in my head get louder again, roaring at me.

_‘YOU THINK? Idiot! I told you it’s the piece I smartly jammed in there! Just let—’_

“Okay! Was  _definitely_  me,” I admit, getting better at tuning it out after getting what I needed. “And that’s  _definitely_  what it’s looking for.”

“You can’t hold it off till morning at least? Yuki was  _insistent_ —”

I can’t help roaring at Kanji in my frustration. “ _It is trying to get out of the goddamn television for fucks’ sake!!_  Have  _you_  ever seen that before—A hand reaching out of the TV?  _It’s like The-Godforsaken-Ring but with a full-grown, muscular adult who will literally tear me limb-from-goddamn-limb!_ ” I pause for a second— _seething_ —and not receiving a response. “ _No? Nothing?!_ ” I stop again to catch my breath. “Well then if we’re waiting,  _you_  can get  _your_  goddamn ass over here and help out!”

“He doesn’t have to...” Ryoutarou starts, looking guilty.

“ _You_  shut up!” I wheel on him. Ryoutarou backs away holding up his hands and I sigh and try to swallow my anger—Need to bite it back so I can speak clearly. “We might need the help.”

“Ah,” Kanji mutters. “I can be there in an hour—I need to work till then. That gonna be all right?”

“Sure!” I grumble, jamming the ‘end’ button. “...Sorry,” I absently mumble to Ryoutarou. He rolls his eyes and pats my back. “This is bad... Let’s take this party downstairs. They’ll be home soon... Lot to do...”

\---***---

After dinner and bringing the others up to speed, I tap Nanako on the shoulder. "I've got to talk to you about something."

She nods and we slip out the front door and amble into the yard.  _I've got another hunch—And I’ve got to let her know._

"Wait for me!" I hear as Captain Chatty rushes out the door behind us, looking less upbeat than usual. He’s been furtively glancing at Nanako all night, looking like he’s waiting for her to yell at him for something—And by ‘furtively’ I mean ‘obvious to everyone else’.

"You might be helpful," I grudgingly admit, eyeing the boy. I fold my arms and look at the kids. "At least Ted knows Elizabeth, right?"

The boy nods eagerly. "She's super helpful! Super bear-liable!!" He breaks out in his first grin of the evening. "Did you see her?!"

"Well yeah," I reply. "That's the only thing I haven't told you yet..." I turn to Nanako. "Has anyone strange approached you? Like with yellow eyes? Or lookin' like an albino?"

"No..." She shakes her head, confused.

"I don't think she knows Elizabeth," Teddie tells me, holding up his hands. "But you'd like her, Nana-chan! She's really funny!!"

“Oh yeah!” I snort. "Real fucking laugh riot... She barged in today and we nearly crapped ourselves! Unlocked the door with her fucking mind and walked right into the damn house!" I grumble. "She mentioned something about 'another Fool' and said it was a 'her'—That she'd 'hoped to meet her', like she thought she'd find this person in the house, too."

Teddie's eyes practically pop out of his head! "It could be Nanako! _It could be Nanako!!_  Like Sensei!!!" He's still cheering and waving his arms around like he doesn't know how to react, but like its something that needs a lot of energy.

"Geez! Yeah... All right all right!!" I brush off his over-excitement and turn back to Nanako. "It could be really good for you,  _or it could be a fuckload of trouble_!” I grab the boy’s head to make him stand still. “That's why I was trying to tell her  _calmly_. Good job, Bear!" I groan and scratch my head.

"Why would it ever be a  _bad_  thing?" Teddie asks, clueless.

"And what does that  _mean_?" Nanako breaks in, not entirely in the know.

I sigh. "Well if you go about it the right way it means there's something you'll need to fix or to stop. Angry humans and gods on rampages... You know by now most of the stuff with your cousin—He had a hell of a time... It was..." I trail off. " _Y-you know!_ " I spit, flustered. "Taking care of everything."

_—Everything I fucked up._

“That’s fine,” she earnestly tells me, shrugging one shoulder. “I’d like that—Protecting my town like Big Bro!”

“Nnh!”  _This is exasperating!_  “Just make sure you know what you’re doing—Talk to your stupid cousin if you have to.  _Just make sure you have all the information._ ”

I sigh to myself and walk back in the house. I can’t do anything if she’s already practically made her decision— _That whole family so frigging stubborn!_

The living room reaches new levels of  _uncomfortableness_  after that...

Ryoutarou and Kanji are rolling out futons on the tatami, and there are pillows and blankets on the couch... I thought Kanji was gonna put theirs down here and  _we'd_  stay upstairs...

_Oh boy..._

“We’re...” I start, and the two men look over at me. “ _All_ sleeping down here?”

“Go sleep in  _your_  room if you got a problem!” Kanji barks.

“Have you  _seen the size_   _of a naga_?” I grumble.

Teddie is already bouncing off the walls, jumping around the room. At least someone’s happy. “ _It’s like a sleepover!_ ” he exclaims. “I  _love_  sleepovers! Couch!  _Couch!!_ ” he hollers.

“Nanako gets the couch,” Ryoutarou admonishes, not even bothering to look at the kid.

“I can share!” the boy foolishly declares and I can’t help bursting out in a laughing fit.

_He’s gonna get decked before morning..._

And  _now_  Ryoutarou’s looking at him— _Like he’s going to fucking murder him._

Teddie doesn’t even bat an eye—Can’t be bothered to notice things like people reacting to him in a bad way. He just goes ahead with his plan and sticks pillows at both ends with a blanket in the middle—Throwing everyone else’s pillows to the floor without a care. “I’m a good guard-bear!” he proclaims.

Kanji collects the other pillows without otherwise getting involved. Guess he’s at least smarter than  _that_.

“That’s fine,” Nanako yawns. “I do feel safe with him around.” She climbs on one end of the couch with a book.

“But— _But—_ ” Ryoutarou splutters, losing ground before he can even speak. Teddie’s already rolling the fourth futon back up to toss it into the other room. It’s a sloppy mess, of course—But it isn’t like _I’d_ do any better.

I snicker again, choosing the futon left in the middle. I slide it closer to Ryoutarou’s and kick Kanji’s away when no one’s looking.

It's too quiet. I can tell the kids are getting tired... Teddie's head keeps drooping and it makes Nanako giggle. When he finally announces that it's his bedtime I roll my eyes—I’d seen it miles away.

"I'm gonna fall asleep..." Teddie yawns loudly. "G'night~"

We all tell him 'goodnight' back. I see him nudge Nanako with his foot.

The boy beams and says one more specifically to her. "Goodnight, Nana-chan! Sleep well~"

"Thanks, Teddie," she smiles really nice and kind at him. "You, too."

He taps her foot excitedly. "I love you~!" he happily tells her, his bleary face looking like it's going to explode from emotions nonetheless. "I love  _all_  of you!!" he addends, looking at each of us and sounding like he means both statements truthfully— _But five-hundred percent in that specific order._

"I love you too; we all do," she easily replies and laughs. And he's all smiles as he lays down and nestles under the blanket. He's out like a light—I'm not exaggerating when I say that I don't think it takes even a  _minute_!

But his honesty and truthfulness make me more alert. I feel uncomfortable— _Itchy and worried inside._

Nanako marks her book and snuggles under the sheet, too. She looks content...

_That he's able to so innocently—yet so honestly—say something like that and mean it! And completely spur-of-the-moment, from the looks of it!!_

_I can't do it at all..._

_And he's only been alive for a little over five years!_

_It's..._

_...Really..._

_...Amazing._

I shake my head: suddenly very,  _very_  jealous of the dumb-but-seemingly-charmed boy. When I look at the others' reactions, not even Ryoutarou seems fazed to have heard him say it so openly—Which surprises me because he usually gets irritated when the kid is so clingy to his daughter...

_But you know..._

She  _could_  do a load worse! He's one of the most— _no, he is the most_ —caring, truly hopeful, and determined people I've ever come across. He's genuinely who he is—Doesn't need to work at being nice or understanding.  _He just is._

_I wish I could be more like that..._

_To think that I could be so implicitly trusting and downright happy-go-lucky about more things and people—_

_That it were easier for me to express how I feel in a way that can be understood so simply—_

_In a way that isn't awkward and doesn't to be clarified._

So Nanako and Teddie do indeed sleep toe-to-toe on the couch—They’re out before eleven. And fuck—I’ve never heard such a skinny kid snore  _so loudly_!

And Kanji and I have decided ourselves—through ‘ _discussion_ ’ _—_ that the rest of us will stay up all night to be on the lookout. Together.

_Kanji doesn’t trust me._

_But I’m not leaving this to him._

_If Ryoutarou fucking falls asleep on us, forget the shadow I’ll freaking kill him myself..._

Of course after about twenty minutes of silence, Ryoutarou doesn’t even try to pretend he’s staying awake. I lay on my stomach, playing one of my new games while Kanji pretends to read and  _not_  be interested... But _I_ see him sneaking looks when it makes dramatic noises. I try to hide my smirk and see him frown.

“I can get something from upstairs, if you want~” I glibly chant.

“ _I’m fine,_ ” the punk replies, sticking his head further into whatever crap magazine he’s pulled out now.

I set down the game. “Uh- _huh_. Don’t fall asleep, now~”

“Shut up, Tohru,” Ryoutarou mumbles. “At least _try_ to get along...”

That makes Kanji throw me a shit-eating grin. I glare.

_Not having that!_

I turn the volume up loud enough that he can hear  _everything_ , but not too loud to wake the kids who are further away or get yelled at by Ryoutarou—Who’s maybe going a little deaf. I enjoy it until the battery dies. Then I huff and crawl over to the wall to plug it in again.

When I finally look around, I notice that now the kid’s knitting! And Ryoutarou’s completely out. And now there are  _two_ _people snoring like fucking foghorns_.

_I could wake someone or badger Kanji._

_Choices..._

“Picked up any  _new_  hobbies yet?” I gibe at Kanji, knowing  _he’s_  mostly just bluster. “I thought knitting was for old grannies~”

“It’s crocheting, _dumbass_ ,” he rebukes me.

I shrug. “Am I supposed to know the difference?”

Kanji shoots me a look, but doesn’t reply.

_He’s more patient than he used to be. That’s no fun..._

_And now I’m bored..._

I sit quietly and watch Kanji form a cylindrical shape with the yarn. “What’re you making?”

“A bear,” he replies after a time.

“But it’s red...”

Kanji glances up, a sharp look in his eyes. “So? There a law that say bears can’t be red?” he challenges.

“Whoa~” I hold up my hands. “Just asking!”

“Nn.”

_..._

_..._

_Quiet..._

“So  _why’s_  it red?” I ask.

Kanji sighs, slipping the hook out to tie it off. He glances at the kids. “I wanted to use some of the yarn Ted dyed. The color’s too uneven, but he tried hard. So I’m making him a bear.” He shrugs. “He does his best.”

“Yeah...”

“You be nice to him,” Kanji chides. “I mean it. I know he was over here earlier helping you. If you hurt any of them I’ll _beat the crap_ out of your ass.” He says it in a tired voice, but I know he means it.

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, yeah...”

“I’m serious. We’re working together now, but I don’t see a reason to trust you.”

“Not even that  _they_  trust me?” I gesture to the sleeping people.

Kanji looks pensive, as though he’s trying to gather his thoughts. “Did you do it?” he asks me. “Did you kill those two guys in your block?”

I feel myself tense. “And why would you think  _that_?” I defensively reply.

“Gut feeling,” he admits.

“ _I took care of myself—_ That’s all I’ll say.”

The boy stares me down. “Don’t pull that shit here, okay? Give me your word as a man.”

“Sure,” I laugh. “But I’ve been doing well, haven’t I?”

Kanji shakes his head. “We’re not even through the first  _week_  of your time back and we’re already camped out in the friggin’ living room to make sure nothing comes to attack us. I don’t want any more of this crap.”

“ _Technically_  it’s Friday now— _That’s a week~_ ”

“Ooh no!” Kanji hisses. “This started the other day. You don’t get to call it a week.”

I wave my hand, like it’s beneath bothering with. “All the same to me...”

“I’m telling you it  _isn’t_.”

“And  _I’m_  saying you’re wrong~”

“Hoo...” Kanji grumbles, placing the bear’s body on his futon. He stands to get a glass of water. “You can go to sleep, Adachi. I’ve got this.”

_No way. I wanna know what the monster in my head’s thinking..._

“It’s not a big deal!” I smile and fold my arms behind my head. “Like a sleepover, as Teddie said~”

“Sleepover in hell...” I hear him mutter.

I cup my hand to my ear. “I he~ard that~” I sing a little too loudly.

“Shut up...” Ryoutarou sleepily mumbles throwing his arm in my general direction. “...noisy...” I lean over to pick it up, shoving it back to his futon, rolling my eyes.

Kanji snickers, choking on his water. “You heard the old man!” he snickers when he recovers.

_I just don’t get it..._

“What do you  _get_  out of all this, Kanji-kun?” I finally question— _Meaning it._

He stares at me stupidly, but I’m not buying it. “Out of what...?”

“ _This—_ ” I wave my hand around, jumping up to move closer so I can speak more quietly. “Playing the tough guy and protecting everybody.”

He squishes up his face. “Same as you, I think...”

I groan. “Then humor me. What do  _you_  think  _I_  get out of it, huh?” I know I’m sounding aggressive, but can’t bite it back this time.  _I don’t get him._

“Uhh...” Kanji vocalizes, scratching his neck. “I like helping my friends... It’s fun?”

“Sure,” I snort. “ _This is fun~_ ”

He frowns. “I like that I  _can_  help. Sometimes there’s  _nothing_  you can do. That’s the worst.”

I tentatively nod.  _That part is true..._

“Whatever,” I sigh.

I her Kanji’s phone ding and wonder who the hell would still be up. I can see the clock and it’s almost four.

“Ah yeah!” Kanji quietly whoops, pumping his fist.

“What’re you so happy about, meathead?”

He frowns, but then lightens up and waves me off. “They’re gonna come in on the first train! Rise was able to take off earlier.”

“ _‘They’?_ ” I repeat.

Kanji grins this time. “It’s supposed to be a surprise, but Kanami-chan is coming too! She got the okay to skip out with Rise for a few days!”

I shake my head, clicking my tongue. “And who’s that?”

“C’mon!” Kanji insists. “Mashita Kanami! Kanamin!” I shrug. “ _Kanamin Kitchen, man!_  You gotta know them!! She visits every once in a while—Nanako  _loves_  her!”

I fold my arms and walk back out to the kitchen, where he’s still looking stupidly happy. “Back up a bit. I’m not getting the connection.”

“Huh?” the idiot voices. “I know she still talks to Ojisan and Nanako. She’s really close with them—They spent a few intense days together during the Ai Meets Kizuna Fes—” Kanji cocks his head to the side, looking so stupid. “You _really_ don’t know about this? There were shadows and gods and everything!”

“It sounds like something I  _should_  know about!” I retort, feeling my face twitching. “ _So why don’t you fill me in, Kanji!_ ”

“Aah...” the kid backs up, looking less sure of himself. He does that annoying thing where he scratches his neck.

“I’m  _waiting_!”

“ _Keep it down, you two morons!_ ” Ryoutarou hisses, sounding more awake than earlier.

Kanji’s face lights up in a relieved way. “Oi, Ojisan— _You_  can explain it all to him if you’re up. About Kanami-chan and Nanako and the dancing and—” he stops midway, looking confused. “What? You want  _me_  to tell ‘im...? Or...” He squints across the room.

I sigh at his denseness and whip around in time to see Ryoutarou still violently slicing hand his across his throat, silently urging Kanji to shut the hell up. I give him a withering look and he lets out a groan, smacking his forehead.

I stare at him pointedly. “Someone better start talking because this has just been upgraded to  _have-to-know_  priority.”

“Let’s go outside,” Ryoutarou grumbles. “I know you’re going to start screeching...”

“ _What?_ ” I shoot back, suspicious.

“Like that,” he replies. “Pour me a cup of coffee.” Ryoutarou yawns and goes out through the glass door.

Kanji watches in shock as I pull an uncapped—probably flat—half-empty bottle of cola out of the fridge and dump the rest of it into the mostly-full coffee carafe. “ _Sure, I’ll get you a goddamn cup of coffee..._ ”

“Are you sure you—” I glare at Kanji and he shuts up. I dump in extra sugar from the cabinet—or flour or whatever. I don’t bother to read the label. Who knows? Could be goddamn baking soda.

_Guess we’ll find out in a minute..._

I carry the coffee outside, smiling genuinely. I hand it to him and walk out onto the patio—Out of reach.

“Thanks,” Ryoutarou sighs and takes a sip. He immediately spits it out, making a gagging sound. “ _What the fu—_ ” he manages before he makes another choking noise and spits on the ground a few more times, grimacing. “Dammit, Tohru!”

Ryoutarou sniffs the concoction and groans. “What  _is_  it?” he moans, setting the cup on the ground.

“Ooh, right! You  _don’t_  like sugar!” I sneer.

“ _That_  was  _not_  sugar.”

I shrug. “My mistake.”

He cuffs the side of my head. “Ass.”

“So what’s the story here?” I push.

Ryoutarou sighs. “You know who Kanami is?”

I frown. “I don’t live under a rock. I had  _television_!”

He rolls his eyes. “In all seriousness—That kid’s had it  _tough_. She saw the person she looked up to hang herself. I helped her research it and remember what happened, and Nanako really bonded with her. She writes to Nanako a lot and sends us her CDs... Calls sometimes and chats with us. She visited a few times, but not for almost a year, now... I figured I’d tell you when it came up.”

He shrugs his shoulders. “Didn’t know she was coming with Rise—As far as I know, she doesn’t have a persona...”

“Okay. That wasn’t hard, was it?” I prod.

“You can be weird about these things,” Ryoutarou protests. “You act right to her— _Not_  like with Kanji.” Ryoutarou smirks. “Or Nanako’ll give you hell. You know, they said she could debut if she wanted—After she was in that show. She decided against it, but as far as I know, the door’s still open.”

“That’s...” I shake my head. “Wow. I didn’t know that,” I tell him.

“Mmhm. It’s cute,” Ryoutarou laughs. “I can hear her dancing in her room sometimes. Lot of thumping on the floor... But... I don't know why Kanami isn’t like the others. Kanji’s since told me there were shadows and things there, too—That Nanako was actually telling off that girl’s own shadow and didn’t know it. Funny how everything shakes out.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “But worry about your  _own_  shadow... This means you know what they’re like, if you saw all that.”

Ryoutarou groans. “It's going to be  _fine_. I'm seeing this through.”

“I know... It's just...” I shake my head and lean against him. “It's hard for me to feel so sure. So much of this is going to be on you, and you're doing good—really—taking it all pretty well... But it's still a lot and you're going to have to work out whatever's thrown at you on your own—And  _quick_. It'll only be all right if you're really okay with it.”

“I'll check in on what it says. We'll talk it out—All the  _kids_  have been through it.”

“Kids don’t know all the bad stuff out there yet—In some ways it’s easier for them to admit to their faults.”

He chuckles and rubs my head while I try to duck away. “You still don't trust me. Will you _ever_?”

“We’ll see,” I yawn.

"My short time getting to know Kanami—and the opportunity to watch Nanako giving something new her best... That's one of the main things that got me to go visit you for the first time. Before I had been too afraid—" Ryoutarou breaks off his sentence with a weighty sigh.

"I was... I was petrified that I wouldn't be able to talk to you—Before the Ai Meets Kizuna ordeal, I couldn't get anywhere  _near_  processing it all and I was terrified I and would wind up not being able to love you anymore or to forgive you or whatever I wanted—I-I didn't  _kn-know_  what I wanted and hadn't thought that part through! I didn't even think about what was  _next_. I had no idea where to go from where I was."

Ryoutarou rubs the bridge of his nose and continues. "I was also scared that you'd be a shithead— _which you absolutely were, for the record_. I let those thoughts intimidate me. I let it all keep me away for a long time and I let myself get more and more fearful and worked-up and over-analytical..."

He pauses and doesn't look at me, but gropes for my hand in the darkness. And for once, when I feel him searching, I help him find it.

_Try not to think about why—_

_But..._

_Because I know that wasn't easy for him to do—Or to tell me._

_And I know I was a jackass—Still thinking I could just push him away..._

_One of the few—countable on a hand missing digits—meaningful relationships I've ever had._

"But look—It was like I feared:  _was_ the worst-case scenario. You were  _terrible_ —a real bastard—but I got through it and realized all I could think about for the next week was going back to see you again... I wanted to make sure you were safe and taken care of— _Your broken fingers really shook me good, asshole!_ "

He pauses again after yelling and sighs. Squeezes my hand. "If I could do all  _that_ , I think I can confidently face my shadow. I-I don't know—c-can't imagine—what could be worse than having lost the people I've been in love with—Twice—

I hear him grinding his teeth. “ _Because that's what it was like, you know."_

Ryoutarou stops again and groans. "I didn't think I could get through it a second time... And—" He sucks in a big breath and holds it for a minute. " _And because of you I did almost lose Nanako, too—_ I...” He squeezes his eyes shut and grunts. “I need to say it and let it out. _That made me so angry—_ If you hadn't helped the little bit you did— _If she had died_ —You should know I would've killed you bare-handed."

After a bout of silence, I try speaking. "You, uh,  _should've_  killed me if she didn't come back..."

Ryoutarou groans. " _Yes_ , but that wasn't the takeaway, moron."

I laugh a little. "I know."

" _Never write me off,_ " he concludes, saying it forcefully so I get the picture. "And I'll do the same for you." He pulls me to lean on him. "So how's that? I've been thinking it through, and I want to know if you're able say  _that_  back to me. Is it easier than love—Something you  _can_  honestly promise?"

"Yeah," I easily reply, another yawn slipping out.  _I'm shocked that was so easy, but it is true..._  "I can do that. I can give you all the chances— _I-I think._ "

Ryoutarou smiles—I can't see it, but I  _know_. I feel him sigh and he then pushes me to lie on his leg. "You get some sleep. It's almost time to get up and I slept for a few hours—But your damn bickering woke me up."

I don't argue. I  _am_  beat and I should be in good condition for today's mission. "Okay." I roll over to lay in a better position and dangle my feet off the stoop. "I will always give you more chances," I repeat hoping I sound more sure.

Because I think I  _can_  do that...

... _Have_  done it so far.

I'm happy there's something I can say and find true. That it feels more like the kind of commitment that he's been so adamant about himself, but that this meets me more where I'm at— _Feels less impossible._

"I still love you," he chuckles and smacks my head.

" _Yeah, yeah..._ " I grumble, drifting off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also of importance, please know that I've gone through Watakushi and (while I didn't re-edit my mistakes because I reread it in bed last night when I couldn't sleep) I did pick out all the loose ends I need to address before the story ends... Think I got 'em all!! You should know by now that I don't always write events in the order they chapter/occur, so then I end up having to work stuff back in that hasn't re-arisen "naturally". And when I push chapters so frequently, I can't go back and add stuff in. It feels too wrong for people following it to change details.
> 
> And speaking of being natural—I've played through a bit of the Arena games now, and that's why I used Elizabeth and mentioned Naoto and Mitsuru et al. I was concerned that my writing of her wouldn't be up to par because I haven't played P3 in YEARS, but no one said anything, and someone even gave me a kudo~~ I think more P3 people will show up in he future, and especially liked that Aki is some kind of government/police/SDF and Chie wants to be a cop! I’m hoping I can get things tangled. That could work SUPER WELL!! BUT!!! I'm purposely putting off my full playthrough of P5 to focus on the stuff I already know without complicating my ideas too needlessly—I enjoy looking stuff up and drawing conclusions, and P5 has come up shockingly few times in my SMT Wiki read-throughs. Definitely less than five times. (And apparently I need to get a copy of Nocturne. I’ve had heavy influences from its lore.) So none of those people should show up in Mukidashite :/ For a while at least. When Watakushi is done, I plan to do Kazoku and then PROBABLY take a break on it to write something else for a while... We'll see... I DON'T want to lose steam, but also will NOT flat-out end this as long as I have new ideas, and it might be good to break and finish P5!!!
> 
> Once more—Thank you everyone for reading. I haven't written fiction since college, (FANfiction since junior high!) which is getting to be a long time ago. And this experience and social-linking with new people here has been absolutely exceptional! Thank you helping me to improve my skills and confidence while finding a renewed enjoyment of craft. Also discipline—I believe I've posted every day I promised, even if it was later in the day I've been sticking to the deadlines!! I was never able to do that with my writing before!! So thank you, from the bottom of my tiny little heart!! :}
> 
> Re-Edited 6/15/17


	13. Friends! (Teddie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddie has an eventful morning. Then there’s a play on Social Linking, that ends in an argument. (Bad news, everyone! Today we say goodbye to the ‘aniki-chan’ nickname...) Then he and Nanako make a detour on the way to the school to see the girls get off the train. Then he drops off Nanako and finds the others. They pile the other stuff from Daidara’s into Kanji’s car—which is some kinda SUV if you’re wondering. He DOES do deliveries... Teddie plans to spend his free time with Kanami, getting lunch at Junes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I’m extending this by two chapters: Teddie’s original chapter will be split into two, alternating with Dojima’s shadow chapter, also split into two. Just too long... I WILL post one Sunday! Ima need till then—Decided on more changes. Please enjoy, even though this chapter is shorter than the others lately!!

Chapter Ten: Friends!

(Teddie)

I wake up earlier than usual— _Something's different._

_It doesn't smell like my bed..._

_It smells like smoke and spilled food._

_And Nanako and Dojima and a little bit of Aniki-chan._

When I open my eyes I'm delighted to realize I slept over!  _I momentarily forgot about the awesome sleepover with almost everyone... But now I remember!_

I bolt upright and look around. Kanji's leaning against the wall reading comics. But I don't see anybody else.

"They didn't get eaten by the TV..." I fight a yawn to ask Kanji. He rolls his eyes and tells me 'good morning'.

"Nanako went to the bathroom and the ojisan never came back inside."

I squint against the light and can see Dojima leaning against the glass. I walk over to tap on it and wake him up, only then noticing Tohru's sprawled out on the cement. I laugh and accidentally bang my head on the glass— _Really_ startling the two, and I feel bad.

Tohru springs to his feet and lunges at the glass, pushing Dojima out of the way, who yelps and falls to the ground. Tohru crashes into the door and bounces off—And now _Kanji's_ laughing.

" _O-oh god!!_ " Kanji roars, in a cackling fit. "Man I can't take it!! He looks like a confused dog who thought the door was open!!"

Tohru yells at me and angrily pounds the side of the house before helping Dojima to his feet. "Dammit you brat!" he scolds when he finally yanks the door open

"We're lucky it didn't break..." Dojima yawns.

I zip out to the kitchen. "You guys want coffee?" I ask, trying to be helpful.

" _No!!_ " all three scream in unison, and I sigh.

"I just wanted to be nice..." I reply.

Dojima walks past me and pats my head. "Let me make a fresh pot. A _jackass_ got into it last night."

I look at Kanji and Tohru, who each point their fingers at the other.  _I know it was probably Tohru. Kanji would never desecrate his Ojisan's coffee. He's too nice._

I hear a door close and Nanako finally joins us.

"Mornin'!" Kanji greets her. "You missed all the fun, unfortunately. Adachi ran into the door... Frikkin' hysterical!"

She giggles and then turns to Tohru, trying to look serious. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Tohru huffs. "Stupid Ted ran into it first!"

"I-it was an accident!" I tell them, holding up my hands. "I'm sorry... Aniki-chan looked so funny sleeping on the hard ground, I couldn't help laughing!"

"Thanks for nothing, by the way," Tohru mutters at Dojima. " _'Hurr durr, go to sleep, Tohru! I'll wake you up!'_ " he mimics, complete with gestures. "And then I wake up thinking we're getting  _attacked_  and it's just that _idiot_ bonking his head on the glass... You guys are all so cold!"

Dojima shoots an unamused glare at his friend and Tohru shuts up. "I said I was sorry. And you just  _threw_  me, so I think we're even." He pulls cold soup out of the fridge and tells us to all get bowls. "There's also instant ramen."

I go right for the soup and sit at the table, waiting for the others. They all sit down except Kanji. There aren’t enough chairs, so stands next to the table like a good gentleman.

"Okay everyone~" Tohru perks up, making a bid for our attention. "So that Rise chick will be here in a bit. We're meeting in my room at ten. Any questions?"

"I have to stop by home and Daidara's," Kanji tells us. "I'll bring Rise-chan back. Ted, you can walk Nanako to school and then meet me at home, alright?"

"I can't just come back here?" I question.

Kanji sighs. "No, come home. I might need your help."

I nod. "Okay..."

"Well I'm off," Kanji then announces, gulping the rest of his soup. "Gotta set up shop for my Ma."

He leaves and then Tohru excuses himself to go back to lying down on the futons—And you know, he sleeps a  _lot_. Dojima says he's going to go buy the paper and heads for the door.

"I need to get ready," Nanako tells us. "I can go upstairs now?"

"Don't worry, I'll come~" I volunteer, striking a pose.

Dojima groans and takes his shoes back off. "Tohru, you go with her. I'm going to talk to  _him_." He points at me and walks into the kitchen.

_Am I supposed to follow?_

Nanako climbs the stairs and Tohru points to Dojima's back and makes a punching gesture. "Punch him?" I ask aloud.

Tohru groans and tries something else that looks like strangling.

"I don't think that's a beary good idea, either..."

" _I'm not going to hurt him, moron,_ " Dojima yells over his shoulder. Tohru shrugs and disappears up the stairs, too.

I go into the kitchen and watch Dojima while he takes the dirty filter out of the coffee and sighs. "Do you like coffee?" He dumps funny-looking old batch down the drain and washes the glass jug.

"Yes!" I nod fast.

I try to open the cabinet, but Dojima doesn't let me in. He's quiet for a minute before he takes down two mugs from above the sink. " _This is for today only_ —but you can use this one."

"I like yellow!" I tell him, grinning.

"What do you put in your coffee, kid?" Dojima grumbles, taking down the sugar.

I shake my head. "Nothing—Then you wouldn't be able to  _taste_  the coffee!" I reach for the cup, but he pulls it back and I “aww”.

He frowns. "Don't lie to get on my good side, brat," Dojima reprimands. "What do you put in it?"

"Really!" I whine. "Don't put anything in it— _I'm serious~_ "

Dojima studies me, but finally sighs and hands me the mug. We wait while the coffee drips down to the new pot. It takes a long time—And I get the feeling I’m not supposed to talk... So it  _feels_  like forever.

When it’s finally ready, Dojima pours us each a cup. I whoop and carry it to the table. "I'm glad I get to talk to you today," I admit. "I maybe of thought you were lying yesterday to shut me up."

I sip the hot coffee while Dojima groans. "I don't  _try_  to lie," he wearily tells me. "I just get busy."

"I know..." I nod. After we sit in silence for a while, but it's an okay-silence. "The coffee's fantastic~" I grin when it's gone.

Dojima squints at me like he's angry, but then shakes his head and sighs again instead of yelling. "Took the words right out of my mouth..."

I get up and carry the mugs to the sink and wash them. When I finish, I get called back over. I salute and sit down.

"The set only has four cups," he quietly tells me, rubbing his arm like he's nervous. "If I got you your own, what color would you like?"

I think hard for a minute. "A bear!" I declare.

Dojima mutters something and rubs his hand over his face. "That isn't a _color_. I said  _color_  so it matches the others."

"Hmmm..." I think hard. "Light blue! Like the sky! Like my eyes!"

"That's fine," Dojima agrees. Then he stares at me again looking angry. "If you cross me I'll smash it in front of you, understand?"

I shudder. "Tha-that's so  _mean_!!"

I hear chortling behind me. "He'll probably smash it over your head, you know," Tohru smirks, poking my head for emphasis.

"And stop calling him 'aniki'," Dojima commands. "It doesn't sound right."

"But the '-chan' is still okay?" I try.

Dojima shrugs, looking smug. " _Sure._ "

"But—" Tohru protests.

"What's going on?" Nanako asks, stepping around Tohru.

"I get my own mug! But I have to call him Tohru-chan!" I fill her in. She laughs so it must be good.

Tohru groans. "Really?  _Everyone's okay with that?_ "

"I-it's a little... _Cu—_ " Dojima cuts himself off, coughing.

"Ooh, I get it!" I intuit. "I can call you Dojima-chan! Don't worry~"

Everyone freezes.

"If you ever call me that again—" Dojima threatens, turning red.

"Woah!" Tohru actually gets between us. "This has gotten ridiculous enough, guys. Let's just call everyone by their names, huh?"

I feel my face light up. "So I can call him—"

"No-o-o-o!" Tohru cuts me off sounding aggravated. "You really are an  _idiot_. Do you have a death wish?"

"But?"

"That's enough," Nanako interjects. "I need to get to school. Teddie, are you going to walk with me?"

"Of course!" I shout and take Nana's bag for her. I dash to the front door, where I put on my sneakers and tell the others we're leaving. "Thanks for the coffee~" I say again, and pop outside.

Nanako locks the door and holds out her hand. "It's okay?" I ask, remembering the kids from yesterday.

"Uh-huh." Without waiting, she grabs mine in hers and swings our arms like I usually do.

I can't help smiling a lot.

When we reach town, I get an idea. "Wanna see Rise get off the train? I bet you can still make school."

Nanako nods. "Yeah! I'd love that!!"

We change direction and head for the station. It's little extra to walk, but we're excited about seeing our friend.

On the platform, we stand by the door so Rise won't miss us—And when the train stops completely, I gasp and tug Nana’s arm so she pays attention.

"Nana— _Look!_ " I gasp.

The doors open and Rise comes out— _With Kana behind her!_

"Oh!" Nanako echoes my sentiment.

The spot us almost immediately... I know I stick out with my naturally light hair.

"Oh my gosh, hi!" Rise beams, handing her bag to Kanami and hurrying over. Poor Kana stumbles and laughs, walking a little slower.

Rise hugs Nana and I, and then takes their stuff so Kana can hug us, too.

"I missed you guys!" Kanami marvels. "Didn't think you'd come all the way out here!"

"Are you going to make school?" Rise questions, smirking at Nanako.

Nana laughs. "I should go, but we wanted to see you. And I'm so glad we did, no one told me Kana-chan was coming!"

"Me either!" I puff and fake-glare.

Rise giggles. "Kanji said you would tell Nanako, so they didn't say anything."

"So the surprise?" I quiz.

" _I was the surprise all along!_ " Kanami hollers.

Nana laughs again and pulls me out the door. "We really do have to get going," she tells the ladies. “I'll see you later!"

"I'll meet you at Kanji's!" I shout to them as we rush out of the station.

We slow down when we approach the front gate of the middle school.

“Thanks for walking with me,” Nanako smiles, but looks stressed—I can see it in her eyes. “I’m... A little worried.”

“They’ll be okay!! Tohru’s  _strong_  now—But _good_ -strong. He’ll help!” I nod a lot and swing our arms up really high. “I’ll text you if they come back before you’re out~” I assure Nana.

“Mm.” She smiles and squeezes my hand before taking off down the walk. I wait till she gets inside, then start back home.

I practically run into the store, excited to see the girls again...

_They’re not there!!_

“Kaasan!” I yell, seeing Kanji’s mom is manning the deck. “ _Where is everyone?!_ ”

She chuckles. “Check down the road. The girls stopped in, but Kanji had already gone to the Metalworks... I sent them over there.”

“Thanks~” I shout behind me as I take off again.

On the way, I spot Kitsune near the shrine. “Wanna go for a ride?” I query. The fox barks a high note, and I lead him across the street. He follows me right into Daidara’s!

“Hello!!” I call. No one answers.

_I’m getting sick of finding nobody..._

I weave through the store and find everyone out back, where Kanji’s loading something into the trunk of his big car.  _Finally!_

“All ready?!” I ask the others.

Kanami throws me a peace sign and breaks away from the other three. “Are you gonna take me around Inaba today?” she grins at me.

“Of course~” I reply. “It’d be boring to stay at home! Want to go to Junes for lunch?”

“Sure,” she agrees. “Anywhere’s good.”

“That’s where we used to meet on TV World days,” I confide in her. “Our secret hideout~”  _Just like old times!_

I hear a  _whunk_  as Kanji finally wins the struggle with the trunk. A big thing is still sticking out the open window, though. “C’mon! Let’s haul!!” he tells us. He shakes hands with Daidara before jumping into the driver’s seat. Rise takes the passenger’s and Kanami gets in back.

“Bye-bye~” I call, jumping in the backseat, as well. The old man grunts and waves.

“Waah!!” Kanami screams when Kitsune climbs over me and sits up in the middle. “Wh-what?” she squeals, super-duper surprised.

I poke my head around the furry beast. “He’s friendly!” I tell her. “Say hi~”

“H-heh,” Kanami squeaks. “...Hi?”

Kitsune dips his head a little as Kanji pulls out of the alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/16/17


	14. Due Duality (Ryoutarou)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALMOST 7,000 WORDS!! The first part of the shadow fight we’ve been building up to since the end of Oretachi!!!
> 
> Dojima gets agitated watching Adachi scramble around to get everything ready for jumping into the TV. Everyone else comes by to either take off with them, or wish ‘em all luck. Adachi and Teddie have a weird moment.
> 
> Then they’re off!! Of COURSE the shadow isn’t what anyone’s expecting—Too easy wouldn’t be any fun! You all KNOW by now I try and stay close to the SMT-verse rules, but I want to BEND things to make them as interesting as possible~
> 
> And then—!! Who’s THAT entering the fray as well?! What is the shadow hiding...!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRSTLY!! I would EXTREMELY appreciate feedback on today’s take on shadows. I love that people are reading and kudo-ing—It’s more than I honestly thought would happen—But I would really, truly like to hear some thoughts on the ideas I’m putting forth. I had two people check it out before I posted and they both responded positively, so I’m hopeful... But YOU who read stuff on here; you are the super-Persona-fans who enjoy breaking down your own ideas and theories and everything and I’m curious on your opinions! Thank you!!
> 
> I’ve really wanted to focus on things that often go under the radar. I know in the past I’ve expounded on what it’s like to actually travel in and out of the TV World, and Adachi mentioned reviving people. I feel as though these are things that get super glossed-over when games get turned into shows or books, but could be more interesting to explore. For most of their “armor” I pulled stuff out of the SMT wiki and tried to figure out what it would look like—Rise’s is different because I wanted more funny juxtaposition. I gave Kanji an original weapon, but I think it’s pretty realistic (and funny) compared to the other stuff he’s toted. Also carrying things and transporting ridiculous weapons into the TV—Like WTF GUYS??? None of you carry packs or anything and some of Kanji’s weapons would NEVER fit through anything but a movie-theatre screen...
> 
> As for Dojima and (it’s going unused for now, but) Nanako’s weapons... I felt WAY too lazy just recycling weapons. Ugh. I did a load of reading through different eras of combat weapons and pulled flamethrowers and chakram out of research I did a few weeks ago. I DID think it would be ignorant to discount the fact that Doujima likely carries a gun, though, so he can have both. Whatever... Flamethrowers aren’t great for more drawn-out fights; can only carry so much fuel. I just didn’t want to have Adachi, Naoto, AND him all have guns. That’s no fun...
> 
> I’ve done a crapload of reading up on guns! I’ve probably put in more than five hours of research just pouring over different gun databases, instructions, and YouTube videos. I also asked simpler questions to my husband, who’s actually gone shooting. I know next-to-nothing about how they work or what the parts of guns are called or anything. I’ve been wanting to make Adachi a bit of a gun person—I mean he DID make his own from a model in canon... And aren’t the guns part of why he became a policeman? My husband and I poured over screenshots from the Golden Animation to figure out what gun Adachi has. And THEN, after like an hour, he remembered there’s a nifty website that tells you what guns people use on TV!! It’s a Nambu Model 60. I also wanted to give Doujima a different gun than him. I felt that would keep it more interesting... (Also I screwed up and was looking at the wrong model of Nambu before and thought it was semi-automatic and had a magazine, so I needed to find something that takes a magazine.) I ended up going with a Heckler & Koch USP because that’ll come in handy for a later plotpoint anyhow. I also purchased an airsoft Marui Colt off eBay to learn how guns work and how to handle them. (That involved a lot of me posing with it and my husband telling me never to point it like at that or that or hold it like that or put it down like that....) I hope it’s as accurate as possible! I feel too cringey writing about things I don’t have knowledge of...
> 
> I talk a bit about the rules of shadows in Mukidashite, which are a different than in general, but align with what I’ve been doing. I also give a little info on the shadow and persona that pop up in the endnotes. If you don’t mind spoilers, feel free to read it first. ^_^

Chapter Eleven: Due Duality

(Ryoutarou)

_Today’s the day._

We’ve planned with the kids, went out and bought weapons, I listened to their stories, and now all I can do is  _wait_. I pace the first floor, edgy, while Tohru runs around gathering things up and tossing them on the dining room table. So far there are a bunch of guns— _of course_ —but the rest of the stuff doesn’t look very important...

_Two bottles of water, a mirror, a small fucking bomb... A bag of rice, seeds, some candy... More food and drinks. And some partially-used tubes and jars of who-the-fuck-knows._

He’s been a whiny mess since the kids left. “Do you even own jeans?” he screeches from upstairs.

“No.”

“Right. Then put on something heavy. Cargoes? You got anything flame-retardant?” I hear thumps as things are thrown around above my head. I don’t have time to answer before he shouts that he thinks he found something acceptable.

I find a bottle of ibuprofen in the downstairs bathroom and swallow four.  _Going to be one of those days._

As I walk back out to the main room, Tohru dashes by me and starts tearing apart the front-hall closet. “You have a pair of work boots right?”

“…I think so.” I sigh. “Did you look in the shoe cabinet?”

“Weren’t there earlier!” he calls.

“Do I really need all this?” I snap.

I hear Tohru cheer. “Found them!!” He walks over to me. “And the point,” he emphasizes, throwing the heavy boots to my feet. “Is that you don’t know  _what_  you’ll need.” He hands me an old pair of pants with a lot of pockets. “Put all that on and then we’ll figure out the chain mail.”

“What’re  _you_  wearing?” I interrogate.

Tohru grins and picks up my old winter work-coat.

“It’s  _the middle of summer, moron_!” I shout, exasperated.

“Woah~” he whistles. “Armor comes in all shapes and sizes. Also I don’t need a lot of protection—Just a bunch of pockets.”

I shake my head. “Well, you’re covered  _there_ ,” I quip.

While I change, I watch Tohru take the armor out of the box. He inspects it and the attached fob—That looks more like a decorative bauble rather than anything of value. “It’s good for starter wear,” he concludes and carries it over.

I squirm into the damn thing, wondering for the millionth time how I got where I am today... It fits like a very heavy sweater. I take the bracers next and slide them over my forearms.

Tohru puts on the jacket and starts stuffing things in the pockets, handing some for me to stick in my pants’ pockets.

“What  _is_  all this for?” I question.

He explains as he hands me the different objects. “Healing... Attack... Healing... Healing... Defense.... Can you remember which is which?”

I nod, trying to stick all the food and medicine in one pocket to make sure.

“Let’s go up. I’m going to send Naga away so I can get ready,” Tohru tells me as he walks on ahead.

In his room, I look on as Tohru bows to the snake-person and politely thanks it. The thing returns the gesture and vanishes instantly. He snuffs out the incense and throws the window open before stomping over to the television.

“We’re coming for you!” Tohru hollers at it, giving the TV a good smack. “So stay in there for a little longer.”

I heave a sigh and sit on the couch. “Really? Going to antagonize it now?” I gripe, but when he turns around, he looks angrier than I expected.

I take out a cigarette and he holds the lighter for me. Then I sit quietly while he opens a suitcase I’d not noticed before. He pulls out an armband and boots for himself.

I watch as he methodically clears all the food and crap off the table and sets out his guns—I saw my USP among the clutter earlier. He looks unusually focused while he cleans and loads each one; taking care to make sure they’re in proper condition.

_I never knew he was such a gun nut._

“We’re getting a bigger damn gun safe for all of those,” I absently declare. “Not going to fit in mine.”

He “ _tsk_ ”s. “I’ve always kept them in the locked suitcase before I moved here.” He points to the hard-shell that looks about ready to fall apart.

I sigh and take another drag, feeling antsy. “How many...” I shake my head, knowing I won’t get an answer. “Never mind. We can discuss it later.”

When Tohru’s done he picks mine up by the barrel and passes it across the table.

“And how am I supposed to carry this?” I raise my eyebrows. My usual holster isn’t going to fit over the literal armor.

“Pocket?” he replies.

“That’s  _not_  safe.”

Tohru gives me a disdainful look. “ _None_  of this is safe.”

Then he silently hefts the huge television I bought him off the table and sets it on the floor. I’m not entirely convinced I won’t just land on the TV itself, snapping it to pieces. He glances over at me guardedly, as though he can tell I’m unable to implicitly trust him on this.

Tohru sighs and sticks his arm in the screen— _literally inside the screen._  “Remember?” he huffs. “Just follow my lead.”

“Fuck,” I breathe, reaching for the ashtray. I feel my face pull tight. “I trust you.”

Tohru grins, but it looks oddly empty. “You probably shouldn’t.”

I raise my eyebrows to yell at him—to ask him why the hell he would say that  _now_ , right before I have to take the biggest leap of faith in my life—but we’re interrupted by Kanji announcing his entrance, Rise piping in that she’s also here. More chatter that I assume is Teddie and Kanami follows them.

Tohru’s already turned back to his preparations. I clear my throat to attract his attention, but he won’t look back at me.  _Great._

“You all ready?” Teddie runs in smiling. That fox trails behind the boy and sits down near Tohru, giving him a few sniffs. The two have a brief staring contest, but the interaction looks positive.

“Hey!” Kanami waves as she walks in. “Long time no see!”

I nod to her and pull out another cigarette. Tohru’s lighter lands in my lap and I use it, then pocket the thing—Won’t give it back now until he redacts or qualifies that last comment. He doesn’t seem bothered as he stuffs three guns and a load of ammo in the zippered pockets of the coat. I roll my eyes while the kids appear put-off.

I look between the two who haven’t met. “Kanami, this is Tohru. Tohru, Kanami.”

“Nice to meet yah!” Kanami beams.

“Hi,” Tohru curtly replies and goes back to ignoring everyone.

“How are you?” Kanami asks when he goes back to working. She takes a seat on the other end of the couch. Teddie squats near Tohru and the fox.

I snort. “Alright. You know what it’s like.”

“Yeah...” she empathizes. “But you’ll do fine! You helped me before—I’m sure you can pull it off yourself!”

I nod, cracking a smile. “Thanks.”

“Ojisan!” Kanji grins, dipping his head as he enters—and completely ignoring Tohru. Thankfully Tohru ignores him back instead of picking a fight. I haven’t the faintest idea  _why_ , but Kanji looks as though he’s dressed for a festival instead of a fight: happi and a headband paired with sneakers.

“Hi everyone!” Rise chirps in her bubbly voice, stepping into the room behind him. I can’t help laughing—the idol’s in  _full riot gear_!

Kanji shakes his head, smiling as he drops down in the middle of the couch. “Yuki-chan should be here soon. You know she works like every day!”

“Makes sense,” I reply, nodding.

Rise taps away on her phone by the door and we’re quiet until Tohru stands and Teddie moves into his personal space. “You’re gonna do great! I know you can figure it out~” he smiles up at Tohru and places his open hand over the taller man’s heart.

Tohru flinches and backs up, looking unnerved. He shrugs it off and walks over to the couch and shoves Kanji away. The boy huffs but pushes over.

_This is getting ridiculous again._

Tohru sits next to me and takes his lighter back out of my pocket and I feel a surge of annoyance as I try to grab it again. “ _I_  hold on to this,” he asserts, flicking it open and closed a few times. I give him a look and stub out my only half-finished cigarette just to piss him off.

The front door opens again and Yukiko shouts a greeting. She walks into the small room carrying two large sticks—Or at least they _look_ like sticks. She’s wearing a dark, flowing robe and an embellished samurai helmet.

“These are my new fans,” she beams. “They’re too big to open here, though.”

“Too big, or too dangerous?” Kanji laughs. The girls giggle, and Yukiko swings one around jokingly.

When the laughter dies down, Tohru stands and walks over to the television. “Okay. Are you all ready?”

The girls nod, while I stand to put on the contraption Kanji brought up, that will be serving as my weapon. I don’t feel really comfortable operating the thing, but I guess this is it.

“Uhh,” Kanji vocalizes. We turn to him. “I have a new weapon, too, but it’s kinda  _big_. Can you get it in there for me?” he asks Tohru.

“Probably,” the other man noncommittally answers, following Kanji back down the stairs.

“Teddie usually handles our weapons,” Rise explains. “And he says Adachi is like him, so...”

“I don’t know where you’re going, so Tohru needs to do it,” Teddie adds, looking around. “It’s getting crowded in here. Kana-chan and I are going to take off. Good luck!” Kanami waves to us as they head back down, as well.

“Are you nervous?” Rise asks, her eyes searching mine.

I frown.  _Of course._

_But can I tell them that? They’re doing this for me..._

I sigh and nod, feeling embarassed.

“Good,” she replies, breaking into a smile. “Gotta be honest about this stuff—We  _are_  going to work together.”

Yukiko leans in closer to us, as if she doesn’t want the boys to hear—From downstairs. “We were all worried about our shadows—That’s what they’re made of. It’s natural.”

I smile back at them. “Thanks.” Yukiko flashes a thumbs-up and Rise goes back to typing on her cell.

Shouting breaks the silence; can be heard though the open window.

“ _What the fuck are you going to do with that?!_ ” I hear Tohru howl.

Kanji moans and yells back at him. “It’s my new weapon, dammit! Just get it over for me!!”

There’s more squabbling, and then silence returns. When the duo comes back, Tohru and Rise stand on either side of the TV.

“I know where we’re going,” Tohru announces. “So follow me, I guess~” The kids all nod and get in a line. He holds out his hand, so I walk around the table to take it, watching him step through the screen and disappear. I take a deep breath as I jump in behind him.

It’s a weird sensation— _Falling through nothing._

It’s like swimming—But you can breathe. It feels like a long time before I can see again, the area around me so dark I can’t even make out where my hand grasps Tohru’s.

We finally break through to the other side and fall maybe eight or so feet to the floor. Tohru lands on his feet and snickers when I don't, pulling me upright.

I look around—It certainly  _is_  my office, but with much more empty space. It’s just as he described: my desk and chair at one end, with a gun and glass bottle on top, and an oversized noose dangling from a rafter.

_Super! My mind looks completely sane..._

“We don’t have rafters...” I gripe while we wait.

Tohru shrugs. “It’s supposed to be twisted, not exactly the same.” He walks around the room that feels way too big. “The writing’s gone...” he says in a quiet voice, looking unsettled.

The kids pop out of a portal that appears in the ceiling, expertly landing on their feet one-by-one. It strikes me as funny, like an old super sentai show. Yukiko opens her fans and Tohru draws his favorite revolver. Kanji looks over at him, and is directed to a corner of the room, which he jogs off to—I guess retrieving his weapon.

Rise stands near the back of the room, farthest from the door and calls Kouzeon, her persona, to gather information. I’ve never seen someone summon their persona, aside from Tohru, and I can’t help but gawk at the goddess floating above her.

I feel a tug on my hand and look over to see Tohru pulling me away. “Sorry about earlier,” he sullenly tells me. “I’ve been snappy...”

“It’s alright,” I reply and ruffle his hair. He rolls his eyes. “It’ll work out. I do trust you. You know I lo—” the words catch in my throat as we all hear the door creak open, a sound familiar to Tohru and I. Everyone turns to look, Kanji and Yukiko staggering themselves in front of Rise.

And that’s when he—or rather  _the eldritch version of me_ —walks through the door—decorated in my old uniform and hat, gun proudly displayed, sporting a clean-shaven look, and seeming much too muscular... Maybe even  _taller_? His nametag bears an old nickname I refuse to even  _think_ , my eyes darting away and over to Tohru, astonishment likely showing on my face.

_Oh... His hair—I think..._

I can’t see enough to be positive—The hat obscures most of the neatly cropped hair.

“Wh-what?” I dumbly stare.  _Why does mine look so different from me?_

“ _The hell?_ ” Kanji echoes my thoughts.

I catch Yukiko shaking her head out of the corner of my eye. “This is...  _Different_.”

Tohru snorts. “Different isn’t always bad... It’ll... Be fine.” He sounds  _almost_  sure of himself, but the others don’t seem to buy it—I can sense it in the way they’re all poised for a fight. “See what he wants from you,” Tohru drops my hand and nudges me forward.

_How the hell do you talk to yourself?_

I scratch my head and scrounge around one of the leg pockets for my cigarettes. I step forward, squarely in front of him. “Ah,” I dumbly hold the carton out to my shadow, one tipped foreword.

“Hnn,” he snorts. “Still hoping to die young?”

I feel myself shrink back a little. “ _Huh?_ ”

“I can tell by the entourage that you already know how this works. I  _am_  you. I know  _al~ll_  about it.  _All_  of it.” The imposter adjusts his hat higher on his head so I can see his shockingly— _but that’s not what they said—_ sky-blue eyes. “Well, guess you can’t die  _too_  young now, yeah?” he chuckles and clicks his tongue while I stare, unsure how to reply.

“Adachi’s right—He doesn’t have the right presence,” I hear Rise urgently alert Kanji and Yukiko. “He’s strong, but that’s not it. It’s not what we’re used to. Stay alert!”

He walks around the room, moving between everyone and sizing us all up before making his way back to me. “Put away the damn cancer sticks and face me like a  _real man_ —Not whatever the hell you’ve let yourself become.” He rudely waves me off.

I look down at myself, startled— _I think I do alright._

But then the other one speaks for me, showily hooking his thumbs through the straps of his vest. “That’s right!” he smirks, talking loudly so the others can hear his boasting. “He’s such a disgrace that he  _refuses_  to wear the uniform anymore. Hasn’t for four years now. But you know what?  _I_  fucking miss it—I’m a policeman. I do my job—Unlike  _him_ ,” he jabs his finger in my direction. “I  _don’t_ get shitfaced at work, but  _woooh_ — _He_  deserves  _that_.”

_Wait—Only four years?_

_Four years?!_

_But it’s been ten since I last wore—_

“Ah—” I struggle. “Just what year do you think it is?”

I see my blue-eyed self chortle. He slaps a hand to his forehead a bit too dramatically. “As if you don’t know what  _year_  it is! You know how long it’s been  _to the day_!”

I try to speak evenly. “Humor me.”

“Dumbass!” my other self jeers. “It’s October of—”

He’s cut off, appearing slightly stupefied by Tohru’s inhuman shriek. “ _Nooo!!_ ” I hear him holler over and over again. “ _Shut up shut up shut—!!_ ” He cuts himself off by swinging his revolver around and slamming the butt-end of his the gun into the side of his own skull. “ _Go away again!_ ” Kanji and Yukiko move closer to Tohru, but let him have his tantrum—I’d be more concerned if any of this felt even slightly  _real_.

_It’s too..._

I shake my head, lost.

But I snap my attention back to the weird me when he bursts out laughing. “And then there’s  _this_  goon! Still enjoying taking care of the moron? Still got nothing  _better_  to do, I assume.” He smirks at me, stepping closer to Tohru—Who’s still having some sort of episode, hammering his fist and gun into his skull, shrieking. “You really did a  _good job_  finding someone so...” He rolls his eyes and snorts derisively, folding his arms to loom over Tohru, who’s now on the ground, still hollering incoherently.

He watches undisturbed until Tohru senses how close he’s gotten. When he realizes, Tohru abruptly jumps to his feet, eyes blazing. “ _You’ll_  tell us the truth—” he yells. “You can shut  _him_  up!!”

_Us?_

_Him??_

“Why not?” I see my shadow laugh. “Try me.”

“I’m not a replacement,” he states, even though it comes out sounding almost like a fearful question.

“ _Ah-hah!_ ” he guffaws. “A  _replacement_?! You think  _you_  could be her replacement?!”

Tohru pinches his face in confusion. “ _Told you!_ ” he sneers, smacking the butt of his gun into the side of his head again. “ _Now go away!_ ”

“Well he really is a goddamn crazy,” the imposter shakes his head, chuckling. “Funny guy, but totally out of his gourd...”

While he was trailing off that last statement, Tohru had gotten right up in his face, grinning crazily. “I don’t care what  _you_  think!” he spits. I move forward as Kanji motions to Rise.

“ _Don’t_  agitate him!” the girl sharply admonishes Tohru.

But he doesn’t listen, smirking as he advances on my shadow so the other one has to back up; harshly jabbing the muzzle of his gun in the shadow’s chest. “I can tell Ryoutarou knows it by now—But you’re old news—” Tohru pauses to dramatically jam his revolver into the shadow’s nametag and I shudder. “ _Ryota!_ ” he stupidly taunts, looking maniacal.

“ _Don’t you fucking call me that!!_ ” my other self growls and lashes out at Tohru—Trying to grab his throat. I groan as I watch Tohru jump backwards, landing on his butt and then scrambling away. The shadow draws his own gun and I finally snap into action, moving between them and pointing the stupid flamethrower at— _At myself, really._

“ _You’re the opposite! You can’t have it!!_ ” He’s raging and stomping around in front of me, both large hands gripping his own tiny gun. His infuriated, azure eyes meeting my frightened grey ones. He growls out the words, starting to emit a red aura. “ _Don’t you let him ever fucking call us that name!!_ ”

I don’t move even when he gets right up in my face. “ _You know damn well we can only stand that animal because he’s so goddamn different!! Don’t you ever fucking go there!!_ ” He punctuates each word of the last sentence by leaning around me and brandishing his pistol at Tohru again.

I see the kids getting into some sort of formation and signaling to each other.

“Try to calm him down!” Rise calls to me. “You need to accept what he thinks you’re pushing away.”

“ _Pbbft!_ ” the other me laughs, pacing. “There’s too much.  _You won’t get it_ ,” he patronizingly mocks. “None of them will—No one even  _knows_! Except  _that_  fucker!” he spits the words, aiming his gun at Tohru again.

Then he starts to pace, thankfully replacing his USP in its holster. “You were  _done_.” He stops to look me in the eye again, to lock his blue orbs with my own slate-colored,  _human_  eyes. “ _Finished_ ,” he spits. “ _Checked-out._ ”

He stares at me still, fury in his shiny eyes. “We were all ready to tell this dump sayounara—But then  _that bastard_  came along and just  _had_  to act like he needed us. Like we meant something to him—And  _no_ ,” he lampoons. “ _You_  and  _I_  were not ready to move on, but for him we did...”

He pauses, glaring at me smugly, dark laughter hissing out of his mouth. “ _Well, we did whatever the hell he wanted_. Didn’t care as long we weren’t  _alone_ —Cause  _fuck_ — _That_  was worse than literally anything else.”

I wince, knowing this is partly true.

_I needed—_

I needed _somebody_.

_And he wanted me. The way I was._

_Seemed to accept me. So I went along with it until I—_

“—loved him.”

“Oh  _yes_  you did!” the shadow sneers again. “ _Hah!_  And you don’t even  _know_  what he did to us— _I mean all of it!_  Not  _just_  that bullshit you  _blocked out_  for so long. Y’know—That goddamn daytime soap-opera at the hospital.”

He leers, now, narrowing his eyes. “But I know you remember that part  _now_. I can tell by the panic written all over your stupid, gullible face.” I glance away from the shadow. “But  _I_   _always_  remembered.  _Fuck!_  I had a  _front row seat through every television_   _you walked past_.” I shiver; can feel my teeth chattering. “So hah!!” he yells with an air of superiority, hands on his hips.

“ _I’m not you—_ Beat you to it!!” The aura changes and red sparks roll off him in controlled waves.

He’s stepping towards me now, purposefully locking eyes with the others, one at a time. I see a wicked smile emerge, as he motions to another door— _when did that happen_ —and tries to sling an arm around me. I dodge, but he grips my shoulder and yanks me back over. “And I’ve got a special guest—Showed up earlier while we were talking.  _Go say hi._ ”

And I hear the others gasp— _fuck I could just die_ —at who walks out of that new door that’s just—Just  _there_  all of a sudden!!

 _Another one_.

Me  _again_ —

But this one looks more normal,  _more like me_ , and I find that absolutely terrifying.

Like this one knows so much more than the first.

“G’mornin’,” I hear a tired, crackly version of my voice come out of a third body and—seriously though, for fuck’s sake— _what fucking level of hell is this?!_

He looks—physically—more like me, but he’s a goddamn  _mess_! The new one’s only wearing boxers and a bathrobe, a cigarette dangling out of his mouth, and a large bottle of sake in his right hand. Those old traditional sandals of mine slap the floor at odd intervals as he stumbles around. He’s got a goddamn  _hobo-beard_  and his hair’s sticking up as though he hasn’t showered in days. He takes a drag from the cigarette and holds it in his free hand, looking around at all of us—With  _yellow_  eyes, this time.

“I’m  _not_  asking that one, too _—_ ” I hear Tohru hiss, getting ready to clock himself again. Kanji thankfully steps in and wraps a hand around his wrist—Shakes his head. Tohru growls at him, but Kanji doesn’t let go.

“How—” Rise tries, confused. “There are  _two_?”

“Heh!” the first one laughs. “ _I’m_  what he  _could_  be. That loser is who  _knows_  he really is and how people see him.  _Effing pathetic,_ ” he scoffs.

The new shadow leans against the wall and gulps down some sake. “H-hey! A-ah-m,” he splutters. “’m happy. You ken all  _fuck yursel’fs_.” He takes another swig. “Jus’ lemme—Jus’ lemme finish this...” He trails off, shaking the bottle to listen for how full it is like I do, and I pinch the bridge of my nose feeling a frigging headache coming on now.

“No’ne needs me,” he drunkenly titters. “Cant’do anyth’g right—” He takes another drink. “Nan’ko s’fine—Bett’r off wi’out me.” When he’s done, he smashes the bottle on the floor and inspects a particularly nasty-looking piece of glass. “H’s back, but To’ru left fr’a reashon... Aft’r  _all_  he did’t wan’ me and I could’t take’t.”

I feel fear prickle through me and I can’t move. I’m frozen in place— _Don’t tell him!!_

The first shadow barks out a laugh.

“ _Don—_ ” my voice shakes and I can’t say it.

The second one looks right at me, while the first one rolls his eyes and shakes his head, folding his arms over his chest. “Yup!” the yellow-eyed shadow giggles. “ _Tha’s_  why I want’d to jump.” Kanji’s jaw drops and the second shadow giggles again. “Shu’da _let m’go_!!”

I barely register Kanji faltering, losing the struggle to restrain Tohru, who’s now trying to charge the drunk one. “ _What?!_ ” he screeches.

“Ooh,” the second one laughs. “ _He_  dos’t know, eh?  _Fucken’ f’ntastic_!!” After that he can’t stop laughing, smacking his free hand on the floor, like it’s the best joke he’s ever heard.

The first shadow rolls his eyes again takes over. “Yeah, “ he snorts. “That bastard—” he points at  _Kanji_ and alarm bells are going off in my head “—held those two sots down until goddamn security came and carted them off to the crazy floor.”

He shifts his gaze away from Kanji, gesturing to me and the second shadow, and staring—steadily—right at Tohru, who seems to freeze as well. “ _You_  fucked us good! So they tried to climb out the hospital window... Didn’t make it.” He pauses to shake his head sadly and snort. “All of this  _goddamn mess_...” He shrugs, shaking his head again— _Gloating_.

“Well, now  _you’re_  caught up.  _You happy?_  Things turn out how you wanted?” he taunts Tohru, chuckling. “ _Hmm?_ ”

_Can’t look at Tohru._

_Can’t deal with this—_

_Help—_

“St-stop,” I stutter. “ _Enough_.”

The first shadow sneers while the second one lights another cigarette and walks over to the desk, swaying as he stares up at the noose. “Hnn,” the first one grunts. “You still don’t remember what made him decide to run. And I’m not going anywhere until I get to  _jog your memory_.”

“ _No!_ ” Tohru howls and uses his free hand to squeeze off a round at the first one’s head. “ _Don't_ —” I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound so desperate— “ _You know I didn’t mean—_ ” Tohru cocks his gun and keeps it shakily trained on the shadow while Kanji runs over to try and drag him back again.

_What the hell happened?_

Reading my mind, the first one looks innocently back over at me and my skin crawls. The bullet pops out of his forehead and he catches it, brings it up for inspection. “Would’ve been a good shot if I were completely human. Guess he’s good for  _something_.”

He faces me again and says it so simply, so emotionlessly. “You already know about the injury, but I  _don’t_  believe you’ve figured out the rest of it.” My hand automatically goes to my shoulder with its weird scars, feeling the old injury. “Almost killed you. Wasn’t  _enough_  to just let him—” He pauses to throw a nasty smirk at Tohru and bring his hands together in a deafening sound— _Way_  louder than it should have been.

We all jump and Kanji loses his grip on Tohru, who just  _appears_  next to the shadow and wallops him good with the butt of the gun, catching him at the base of the skull. I see a surprised look as that one falls to the ground, laying still for only a second before chortling. He presses a hand where the gun connected.

Then the shadow coughs, throwing up black bile. I instinctively back away from the two of them—The first shadow  _and_  Tohru.

Tohru’s face twists in pain and he smacks himself again. “ _Go away!! You can’t—_ ” he howls.

“We  _all_  do that,” the shadow expounds for my benefit, ignoring Tohru and wiping his mouth, dull blackness smearing on his blue sleeve. “He does too—Did it that same day of the incident,” he finishes, cocking his head in Tohru’s direction.

Then he gets to his knees, a red glow starting to emanate from him again. He looks up at me, gritting his teeth. “Pulled  _you_  back out and then his shadow casted Nanako on the Channel. Got Namatame to up his game and go after a child.  _Our child._ ”

I don’t near enough have time to process that before the shadow clears his throat, rage in those light eyes. “Wasn’t enough, eh? You gotta fucking kill  _me_ , too?  _Wanna go another round?_ ” He spits more of the black stuff and makes it to his feet.

He starts to unclip his vest, and Tohru’s eyes dart around, looking scared all of a sudden—Which frays the last of my nerves. “What’re—” he tries and fails to produce words.

“Do you remember the  _footsteps_  in the hallway? That was  _me_ , not  _you_. I sprouted from his head when you threw him in here all messed up.” He walks towards Tohru, glowing more and downright  _seething_. “Let them  _all_  see what you did!!” He throws the vest to the floor and Tohru lets loose a string of abuse while he fights to keep the shadow from unbuttoning his shirt—

He loses—

And then I have to look away from what must have been the original damage.

_I feel sick—_

Can feel the contents of my own stomach trying to come back up.

It’s  _grotesque_ —

I don’t know how the  _hell_  he ever fixed it to what it is now. I dig my nails into the same place on my own body, gripping my stomach with my other hand; worried I’ll throw up.

The first shadow turns in a small circle so everyone can get an eyeful of the wound—muscle and bone clearly visible—then turns back to me. “Do you  _get it_  yet?” he demands. “You  _can’t_  do it.  _Can’t_  find anyone to really care about you for  _you_  and  _mean_  it.  _Can’t even take care of the family you have left._  And you’ll be  _alone_  forever—

He draws himself to his full, towering height. “ _So let me have a crack at it. I’m sure I can do a better job of living than you—You miserable, wretched dumbass!!_ ”

The red glow is getting so bright it starts to burn. I stumble backwards, trying to inch behind Yukiko, who’s suddenly right next to me.

The shadow’s voice changes, sounds more warped and energetic. “ _I’ll do it. I’m the best of us three—The obvious choice! The other one just wants to die and you aren’t far behind! So just give up! Give in!!_ ” He cackles, sounding insane. “ _And I’ll be the model citizen neither of you fuckers can stomach to remember!!_ ”

Tohru pulls out a second gun, backing up and shouting for Izanagi, who appears instantaneously.

“Shit!!” Kanji screams. “ _Get back!!_ ” He calls for his own persona and it jumps to life behind him. Then the kid raises a  _goddamn car door_  above his head to fight with.

Rise shouts for Kanji and Tohru to get in front of Yukiko and I.

Yukiko holds the two giant fans defensively, her persona flaring in, too—And even then I barely remember I  _have_  a weapon.

I fumble to relocate the nozzle of the flamethrower—hadn’t realized I’d dropped it before—and point it ahead of me, spreading my feet for balance.

“ _I_  am a shadow...!!  _The true self_...!!” the first shadow clamors, now completely engulfed in red flames. The ground rumbles as it twists and writhes, seeming intent on turning into even more of a monster than before.

When the dust clears...

...he looks  _exactly_  the same.

“Wh-what the hell?!” Kanji cries. “Nothing changed!”

“It does feel more power—” Rise starts, but is cut off by a loud  _CRACK_.

We’re all shocked as the shadow crumples to the floor, the bullet sticking this time. His hat flies off, revealing surprisingly light-blond hair—Which finally prompts surprised noises from most of us.

It turns out Tohru didn't miss a beat—He just shot him in the head again. Keeping his eyes trained on the fallen shadow, he again pulls the hammer on the Nambu and levels the Colt at him, too. “ _Get up!_ ” he roars, looking outraged. “We know you’re not dead!” The shadow doesn’t move, so Tohru advances, his face tight. “You’re  _not_  coming back with us! So  _get the_   _fuck up_  and let him accept you.”

“Don’t get too close!” Rise shouts to Tohru.

Tohru sighs and sounds positive when he speaks; voice full of agitation. “He’s  _not_  going to hurt me.” He waits while the shadow continues to play dead. “Am I the only one who’s realizing he  _isn’t_  a reversed arcana?”

“He isn’t what now?” Yukiko questions.

Tohru sighs, agitated. “He’s not evil. He isn’t going to hurt us...” Tohru closes the distance and kicks my first shadow hard in the shin, like he does when he’s irritated with me. “Get up!!”

“What?” Kanji asks. “That doesn’t make sense...”

Tohru doesn’t look back himself, but does point to the second shadow. “ _That’s_  the one you should be more worried about—This one just wants to come back with us.”

Tohru turns to me. “ _He can’t,_ ” he pointedly enunciates. “So you need to admit to the stuff that’s true so he can rest—But seriously _—Rise keep your goddamn eyes on the other one!_ ” he barks out that last part nervously. “ _That_  one’s a loose cannon. This one just wants him to know the truth and accept his old fears... And...  _Fuck I don’t know_ —Probably throw me out on my ass or— _Shut up!!_ ” he clutches at his head and howls, pulling his hair. “ _Get fucking lost! I’m not letting you out!!_ ”

Yukiko glances at Kanji, both looking fairly disturbed. “Who does he keep talking to?” she nervously inquires; all of us hoping for some kind of an explanation.

“ _He’s_  trying to get me to let him out again.  _I’m not._  And that’s why we—” he wheels on the unmoving shadow, grabbing him by the hair and yanking him into a sitting position. “—are  _not_  bringing  _you_  with us, either— _You fucking follow-the-laws prick!_  You’re  _not_  getting a persona! So snap out of it and finish telling him your damn sob story so you can  _disappear_!”

I’m baffled— _Completely_  lost now. This isn’t how the other ones went at all.

I can’t say it’s comforting the others look just as puzzled.

Tohru keeps cursing the first shadow out until he finally opens his blue eyes and frowns. “ _You’re wrong,_ ” I barely hear him whisper. “ _I already have a persona._ ” The bullet pops out of his head again and clatters to the floor.

“It’s calming down—” Rise brightly comments, but cuts herself off. The shadow is glaring tightly at her, but stays quiet.

“Yeah,” Tohru nods. “It’s trying to pull what your bear-friend did. It’s been in here for  _more than five years_ , probably growing its own ego; its own thoughts and feelings and all that other bullshit— _But we shouldn’t let any more shadows out._ ”

The shadow grunts, knocking Tohru’s hand away from his head to replace his hat. “You’re only saying that because I  _despise_  you!” It turns to the kids, angry but pleading. “I was going to bide my time until you took care of the other one, but that bastard figured it out— _I-I’ll take his place and do a much better job!!_  Give me a chance to—”

Tohru glares. “Stop it.” He motions for me to walk over to them. “Tell him what you want him to know and dissolve,” he loudly orders, grinding his teeth.

“I-I’m _part_ of you,” the shadow mumbles, standing and glaring distrustfully, flicking his eyes between Tohru and I. “I’m part of you and  _I exist_.” His voice gets louder the more he goes on. “Even now I’m still in there,” he says through gritted teeth, jabbing me in the chest the way I find myself doing to other people. Tohru grunts and childishly slaps his hand away from me.

The shadow and I sigh at the same time. Then we both make the same face at each other.

“Great,” Tohru grumbles. “Like fucking twins.” He pushes between us and speaks directly to the shadow, now. “ _He’s_  getting the persona out of that abomination over there. So you need to quiet down and disperse now.”

_First time I’ve ever seen Tohru act like a fucking cop._

The shadow’s eyes widen, like he’s remembering something. “I already  _told_  you—I’m in there!” he shouts, and points to his own shoulder. “If I can get that piece of myself back I’ll be whole and can leave this place!!  _And I have a persona—_ ” he asserts. “I’m no different than all of you!”

The shadow peeks around Tohru to stare at me helplessly. I gaze back, unsure what the hell it even wants. I hold up my arms to show him I don’t know anything.  _It’s better off pleading its case to Rise._

“Oh good,” it mumbles. The shadow folds his arms and stares back at me, a smirk forming on his lips.

_‘Good intel.’_

“What?” I ask aloud.

 _‘You can think it to me now._ ’ The shadow taps his head and stares at me smugly.

“ _Fuckfuckfuck!!_ ” Tohru screams and wheels around. “ _Please_  tell me you can’t hear it?”

_‘You can.’_

I grimace guiltily at Tohru.

Kanji steps foreword, raising an eyebrow. “Wh-what’s going on guys?”

Tohru yanks at his hair, looking miserable. “I don’t know how to get rid of it now. They can hear each other— _In their heads._  Urgh!!” He stomps around, scratching. “That’s when I couldn’t get rid of mine—And it keeps trying to get back out. He could be a real problem, long-term.” Tohru locks eyes with Kanji, then Rise, sensing they make the decisions.

“Uhh, that’s,” Kanji tries, his eyes sliding over to the idol. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Rise?” he calls. “You know anything about being able to hear each other in their heads?” She gestures in the negative. “Dammit! Gotta ask Ted then...”

 _‘Small blond boy?’_  the shadow asks me.

I sigh heavily and press a hand to my temple. “Yes,” I tell him aloud. “But he’s taller now.”

_‘Happens.’_

Kanji jolts. “Yes what?”

The shadow barks out a laugh and Tohru looks livid.

_‘I like seeing the bastard angry.’_

I groan and sit on the ground, trying to get my head to stop pounding.

_‘I get that, too. It’s probably from the zio.’_

“Zio?” I ask, frowning at the shadow.

Tohru pistol whips the shadow again and yells at him to shut up. But the shadow’s had enough— _Certainly got my temper._

 _‘Can’t send me away anymore, huh?_ ’ Gaining confidence from that statement, he wrenches Tohru’s favorite gun out of his hand and holds it out of reach. “I can bend this,” he glowers. Tohru hisses but stands still until the shadow gives it back. Then he turns to me. “Give me back the piece.”

I shake my head. “I don’t know how.”

The shadow frowns.

“Hah!” Tohru grunts triumphantly. “Then you  _can’t_  come back anyway.”

“I can still try to kill him and take it myself,” the shadow asserts.

Kanji steps forward, brandishing the car door. “Don’t you friggin’ try it!”

“ _Everyone?_ ” Rise asks, sounding concerned. “If he isn’t going to be rash, we still need to do something about that one...”

The second shadow has climbed onto the desk and is inspecting the noose, now. He’s already drunk the other bottle of liquor, its smashed pieces lining the floor around the desk.

“Here’s what I’m hypothesizing: accept it fully and it’ll go away. Accept it only partly and it’ll become part of you. Ignore it and it’ll take on a life of it’s own, eventually becoming mostly human, like Teddie—And can get its own persona.” Tohru squints, looking thoughtful. “Prove this has gone too far—that you have a persona—and we’ll make a deal.”

“Hnn.” The blue-eyed shadow makes a throaty noise and holds up his hand. A blue card flashes in, spinning above his extended fingers. “ _Yamantaka!_ ” A monster appears to flow out of his body, forming behind him. “Maybe we don’t  _need_  to make a deal...”

The thing is a giant humanoid abomination—Some sort of beast hybrid. It has too many arms, all of which brandish daggers. Extra sets of eyes run down its cheeks; a single, unblinking demon-eye in the middle of its forehead. The thing has two human legs, coupled with four animalistic limbs sprouting from the torso. They end in hooves.

“Th-that’s...” Rise breathes. “ _Definitely_  a persona. Not just part of a shadow.”

“Nnngh!!” Tohru wails, clutching his head again. “Now we have to take it seriously...”

The not-shadow bellows out a laugh. “Yes you do!” he insists. “ _I want out of here_ —Don’t care how many of you I have to plow through... So figure something out or I’ll obliterate you all!  _I’m Ryota, and I’m here to stay_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These contain spoilers (for this chapter)!!!
> 
> Foremost: the rules Tohru postulates are what I’m going with. They line up with the story about his shadow and work well here, too. Also going to work in my favor for the future. They are, again: “Here’s what I’m hypothesizing: accept it fully and it’ll go away. Accept it only partly and it’ll become part of you. Ignore it and it’ll take on a life of it’s own, eventually becoming mostly human, like Teddie—And can get its own persona.”
> 
> I like how Teddie’s coloring is the same as the velvet room attendants, except his eyes. So if one is “Teddie-ing”, I figure they should BEAR (that was an honest accident) a similar palette.
> 
> I created my own persona!! Yamantaka is mentioned on other pages, but does not have his OWN page in the SMT wiki, so I believe he has not been used in a game, yet. I read up on him a load and tried incorporating most of the main characteristics. Yes, I even made a stats/abilities sheet... I got super-serious about this!! If I’m going to make one up, I should try to do it well! If you don’t know his history, I encourage you to wait to read up, as his lore will be explained before this story ends. No; I didn’t just pull this guy outta my ass—I had reasons!!
> 
> Re-Edited 6/16/17


	15. A Hunch (Teddie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddie and Kanami go to Junes, and he asks for her help talking something out. Then they go to get Nanako, but something weird happens! Lastly, Marie joins up with them to ‘help out’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I assume most of you know the Japanese slang ‘gaijin’. It’s a kind-of derogatory word for a foreigner. The proper word is ‘gaikokujin’. (And it's generally poor form to use either because they imply out-group; you should just say where the person is form.)
> 
> This chapter is shorter because it was originally, and it’s a lot of setup for the next pieces of the plot. I’m going to be incorporating one of my personal Teddie theories, so buckle up—If you’re still onboard, things are gonna get a bit rough and we’ll be ending this story with a BANG!!

Chapter Twelve: A Hunch

(Teddie)

Kanami and I choose set lunches and sit at a corner table at Junes’ rooftop food court.

“I love being up so high!” I tell her, peeking over the edge before I settle down to eat.

“You can see a lot of the town,” she agrees.

I choose my favorite pieces of tempura to eat first, before I ask for help.  _The cold sauce is great on a hot day!_

“Kana-chan?” I ask when she finishes her mouthful of food.

“Hmm?” she replies.

I fidget, taking a sip of my soda. “I need advice.”

“Okay!” she laughs, picking up her kabob again. “How can I help?”

“You know stuff about personas and shadows, right?”

“Yup!” Kana says around another bite of food, brandishing the empty stick at me. “I learned a lot from you guys.”

I feel my feet kicking. “So you know shadows split off from people’s minds,” I start, laying out the basis of my idea. She nods and lets me go on. “So I came from someone else’s mind—A-at some point.”

Kanami squints. “That would make sense,” she thoughtfully comments.

“Probably the first person who entered the TV World and made my home, don’t you think?”

“Shadows...” Kanami trails off and I try to be quiet so she can form a thought. “Are the parts you hide away and don’t want people to see...”

_Will she get the same idea I did?_

“Yeah!” I play with a piece of carrot—Can’t sit still. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the different kinds of people and shadows. I had to come from  _somewhere_ —Couldn’t have just  _appeared from nothing_ , even if it seems like that.”

I eat the carrot, trying to get my thoughts to come out right. “I don’t know how long I was alone... Only that it was so beary lonely by myself! And the others were all nice, so I don’t think it was  _them_.”

Kanami taps her skewer on the table, reaching the stomach of the matter. “So you probably came from someone who’s your opposite—Is what you’re getting at?”

“Uh-huh!” I cheer. “Someone who doesn’t like being smiley!! Or being around everyone!”

She giggles. “Someone who isn’t good at admitting they like attention, either!” she teases me.

I laugh a little at that, but my chest feels funny and tight—Like my skin can’t breathe. “Yeah, someone really different from me. S-someone totally my opposite, who hides away their happy side— _The opposite of showing off the super-duper unbearably full feeling I get from being around everyone_ —”

I stop speaking and shove another piece of tempura in my mouth. But I still have that really bad feeling and can’t swallow. “Kana-chan?” I hesitantly ask.

“Hmm? You don’t look so good, Ted...”

I swallow the food and wash it down with my drink. “Can we keep this between us?”

“Of course!” she beams. “Forgeta’bout it!” Her happy smile and the cute wave of her hand mostly cheer me up.

When the soda is gone, I decide to dump the rest of my food. “Let’s get going!” I tell Kana. “If we hurry I can take you to the bakery and get you my favorite _melonpan_!!”

\---***---

I feel bad we’re a little late—There was a big line at the bakery because the high school got out early.

We can see Nanako standing in the shade with those girls from the other day. I can’t hear, but it looks like she’s  _really_  chewing them out! Kanami doesn’t seem to think anything of it, so we walk closer.

_My stomach feels funny, though... I didn’t like their questions._

“—so if you’ve got a problem with me, be up-front about it. There’s no need to go behind my back and pick on my friend,” Nanako is telling the other kids.

Kanami stops walking and puts her hand on my arm to keep me from interrupting. “It’s good for her to stick up for herself,” she says quietly. “To confront her problems.”

“Furthermore, is it your business who he is to me?” She actually flicks her hair back when she makes the declaration, and it makes her look even more authoritative. Kanami giggles and I have to smile.

“Y-yeah,” one of the girls replies, looking uneasy.

The second one frowns though, more indignant. “What? No one in class is good enough for you—You only hang out with senpai and gaijin?”

Nanako folds her arms. “If those are the people who take the time to understand me, then yes. I suppose I do.”

“You think you’re the all that just because boys like that gaijin and Tatsumi do  _everything_  for you!”

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Nana sarcastically exclaims. “They ‘ _do everything_ ’ for me?” she snorts, stepping forward a little. “I do everything for  _myself_. I’ve been taking care of my house since I was four—Let’s get something straight.”

She advances a few steps. "I don’t hang around with them so that they ‘take care of me’. I value them as people, and they treat me with respect. My time is worth more than petty conversations about what’s in or who’s ugly or hot—I don’t have time to waste shallowly judging people based on looks or any of that. And I certainly don’t have time to waste explaining all of my relationships to you two! From now on, if you need help, ask—But I’m not letting your brazen cheating slide anymore—”

It’s then that Nanako cuts herself off to gaze to her left. She looks to be listening to something none of us can hear. The girls exchange a glance and shrug, following her eyes.

Then Nana abruptly begins walking—off the path that leads to Kanami and I—in the direction of the school field. I look at Kana and can see she also thinks this is weird.

We take off after her, a good distance behind because we couldn’t make up our minds. We can hear chatter behind us as the two girls from earlier seem to have forgotten all about their argument with Nana.

We can’t be more than ten feet behind her— _she’s so close_ —when Nanako is enveloped by a bright light and  _is gone_!!

_She’s just gone!_

I feel my chest seize up and I reach out for Kana. I flail until I hit something—her arm—and can’t even squeak out any words!

“What’s wrong with you Ted?” she asks me, sounding confused. “And why are we out here?” Kana looks around, puzzled. “Won’t Nana come out the front door?” Without waiting for me, she starts back to the main gate.

I follow, unsure.

_I don’t know what else I should do..._

“Oh look!” Kanami excitedly points. “That tree has good shade~”

_We already came by here and you saw it!_

I don’t like this at all...

I numbly sit under the tree with Kanami, who’s waiting excitedly—Doesn’t know Nana isn’t coming from that door...

“There she is!” Kanami abruptly whoops, holding up a hand to wave— _To Nanako!!_

“B-but!” I stutter. “Nana-chan?!” I get up and run over to her, really really worried.

She smiles to me. “Hey, Teddie!” Nana adjusts her bag and grabs my hand like nothing funny happened at all!

“Where’d you go?” I ask in a small voice.

“Huh?” she gasps. “They told me no one would notice...”

I shake my head, lost. “Who?”

Nanako starts towards Kana, who’s still sitting. “Marie-chan and the man,” she says, as though I should know exactly what she’s talking about. “You could see me, but not them?”

I shake my head some more, stopping in my tracks. “What else did they say?” I ask.

“That we should hurry back.” Nana frowns, looking a little worried. “Marie-chan is going to help everyone—And Tohru-jisan was right about the Velvet Room!”

 _What’s that,_  I wonder as I let myself get dragged back over to Kanami while I feel more and more prickly... I think about how there are now two things to worry about: both her news and my own worrisome idea.

When we arrive at the house, Marie is waiting outside with her arms folded. “I had to leave work for this,” is the first thing she says, wearing an unhappy look.

“Sorry, Marie-chan,” Nanako apologizes. “Thanks for helping though!”

“Yeah...” she trails off, getting quieter. “Couldn’t-leave-you-stupid-friends-alone.”

“H-huh?” Kanami asks, confused at the other lady’s burst of words.

Marie shakes her head and snorts. “Nothing. Someone has to put everything in the right place.”

Nana unlocks the door and we all go directly upstairs, to Tohru’s room. She and Kanami sit on the couch while I crouch by the television. “I think I can find them now that Tohru’s in there...” I lean close to the screen. “I can smell his trail.”

Marie nods, reaching up to hold her loose hat to her head. “Okay.” She steps on top of the TV like it’s just the next step in her path instead of a portal, and then disappears inside.

“Uh,” Kana speaks up. “I still don’t think I’m used to the whole TV-thing...”

Nanako laughs a little and I sit down next to her, waiting for everyone to come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/16/17


	16. Without Exception (Ryoutarou)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They still haven't fought either "shadow", and one of doppelgangers already has a persona?! Dojima faces his inner feelings and they all battle against one of the shadows. Then Marie intervenes, settling a few matters. Back at the house, it seems Dojima is not like Yuu, Adachi, or Nanako. He is super tired. (So what's different about the other three...?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A "fude" is an ink brush for like for writing calligraphy or signing important papers. Or just for fun, I guess.
> 
> This was my first time writing a 'battle'. I think it's paced okay and had one pre-reader. The persona I chose is OF COURSE null/drain/reflect to almost all of the party's abilities... In my first draft of the battle, I gave up and typed "EVERYONE DIES THE END" before quitting for the day.

Chapter Thirteen: Without Exception

(Ryoutarou)

_Here we are._

_Facing my was-shadow._

_Who has his own persona—_

Which I guess is what makes him  _not_  a shadow.

"Oi—" Kanji hollers at Ryota— _apparently his fucking name_. "At least give us a freaking chance!"

"Hnn..." Ryota grunts, but waves his hand and the persona disappears. " _You fight me if I don't receive an answer._ "

"Okay— _Okay, geez!_ " Tohru yells, waving his revolver around in a dangerous way. "We'll figure it out!" When Ryota seems placated, he groans, turning to look at me. "Go talk to the other one," Tohru instructs, looking angry as hell.

I keep a grip on the flamethrower and walk over to the second shadow. He's now sitting on the desk, smoking and swinging his legs—Content with his front-row seat to the first shitshow.

"Hi," I tersely address him, sick of this.

"Mmn," he nods and blows smoke in my direction.

_Is his voice is different than before?_

The real shadow raises his brows. "I can be serious—I know that's your  _favorite_ , so I'll play along. Listen up," he absently flicks his cigarette and embers waft around him. He crosses his ankles and watches me curiously.

He runs a hand through his hair before speaking again. "You  _know_  I'm you. I'm what people think when they look at you—" He smirks, showing teeth before he takes another drag. "Cause around here they  _all_  know what your life's been."

The yellow-eyed me starts to kick his feet again, thudding an offbeat tattoo on side of the wooden desk. The smirk turns to a more lazy smile; as if all he has all the time in the world to waste contentedly. "This is how you'd rather live! It's great to kick back and tell everyone to fuck off… To just go back to drinking yourself into a stupor every day."

I rub my forehead and groan.  _It would be easier. Wouldn't have to deal with any of this crap._

_But that's not happening._

"I  _won't_ ," I gruffly sigh.

The shadow nods. "I know…" He drags the words out before taking another pull. Then he narrows his eyes at me, ashing the cigarette with a sigh of his own. "You must know this is all such a  _huge_  pain in the ass—Taking on monsters like ' _feelings_ ' and all that bullshit."

"Seems like it," I agree, folding my arms.

He starts to swing his legs again, continuing. "You're happy to judge everyone else, but get angry when  _they all_  tell it like it is…" He chuckles, smoke curling out of both his mouth and nose.

"Don't try to pretend—You fucking  _knew_  how much Nanako and Tohru hated it when you drank yourself silly, but you'd do it anyway— _Because it was easier._ " He snorts derisively, waving his hand mockingly. "When that dumbass Tohru'd call you on it you'd bellow at him— _Sometimes even give him a smack—_ " The shadow punctuates it with a fist to an open palm as his gaze sharpens—and I can feel my gut wrench—can tell he's mocking my remorse.

"You should reconsider~" the shadow smirks. "It's better to unplug  _before_  everyone gives up on you."

He pumps his fist and lets out a harsh laugh. "Get the jump on 'em— _You_  be the disappointment so they  _don't have the chance to leave you helpless_."

I swallow and shake my head— _That's not how I'm doing things this time._

He studies me for a minute before stubbing the cigarette on the bare desk and tossing it behind himself. The shadow sighs and jumps down. "You should reconsider or I'll have to show you what it's like to  _really_  fight your inner demons…"

I continue to stare him down.

Sensing I won't give in, the shadow makes a cursory effort to clean himself up: he ties his robe and runs a hand through his greasy hair—Which only makes it look worse. The yellow-eyed mess stretches the way I do before a run. Finishes his warm-up with a laugh both bitter and morose. "Here I come..."

I watch the shadow put on a similar performance to the other's histrionics. He starts to glow red—Emitting sparks, then controlled waves and pulses.

His body soon stretches, growing in both height and bulk. It's hard to see what exactly is happening because of the clouds that shroud the changes...

_But when the dust clears..._

He no longer bears as much of a discernible resemblance to myself.

In front of me now stands a giant clothed in a column of darkness. There's an angry tengu mask in place of a face or head, and no light reflects from anywhere on its body. The monstrosity wields a tremendous fude, which the thing immediately flourishes to disperse the last of the particles gathered around its body.

Gunpowder booms a few times as the smoke wafts outwards in our direction. Though it doesn't look like the bullets _do_ much…

I don't think to move—Am too absorbed with attempting to qualify the commanding presence.

I finally jump backwards when it swings that gigantic fude at me; feel a wash of panic when I trip and fall on my ass. I hear the crack of gunfire again from behind and see a larger projectile shoot past on my left. I stumble to my feet and spray fire at the ogre.

It doesn't catch— _Doesn't look as though I made a dent at all!_

"—on't have the right skills!" is all I catch from Rise.

Lightening cracks down and sparks smack it from overhead but nothing happens—If anything it appears to grow  _stronger_!

"There are no detectable weaknesses!" Rise shouts, and this time it sounds as though her voice is ringing from inside my skull, the high-pitch of it rattling me for a moment.

Then I hear Tohru yell for me to throw the bag of rice at it—I don't know what the hell  _that'll_ do—

But I rip the plastic open and flail it in the direction of the demon while Kanji screams for me to shield my eyes.

_Well—_

The flash that sears even through the barrier of my eyelids does  _something_ —The demon screeches and almost drops the brush, recovering clumsily.

Kanji is zooming forward again to smack it with the car door. It flinches a little, but counters, wheeling its fude—

When the brush is moving faster than the eye can track, a wall of fire launches at us!

_I swear I don't know how we aren't dead—How I can stay standing while I'm burning up like this!_

Yuki is throwing Tohru's bomb while he squats near the wall, reloading his damn pistols—Which its when I remember my  _own_  gun.

I drop the apparently useless hose and draw my USP, flicking off the safety in one fluid movement.

Kanji is staggering backwards—looking as though he’ll fall over—but then I see him enveloped in light— _And he's charging again almost instantly!_

"Just give in!" the giant wails in its distorted perversion of my voice. "I'm telling you nothing is worth—"

The wailing is thankfully cut off when a twister tears past me and smacks into the demon. I can hear Tohru continuing to holler as more visible currents dance ahead.

_That's my cue to back the fuck up!_

I fire off a few shots while Yukiko and Kanji try hammering it again. I can hear Tohru discharging his weapons, too.

The monster starts to wheel the fude again and Tohru yells for me to aim the mirror at it as the brush starts to look more like a pinwheel. I fumble it out of my pocket and hold the tiny object in front of me—When the rage of flames shoot outward again, I'm spared  _and_ —

_And fireball appears to bounce back at our foe!_

Of course it doesn't do much, but it does feel as though we're taking it down bit-by-bit. Chipping away at whatever is giving it strength.

I can see Tohru slipping around the outside during the chaos—Pulling out a new gun and viciously chomping on something.

When the monster roars a string of unintelligible words and pumps its fist, Yukiko sprays a bottle of water at it in response—The thing  _yowls_  in anger, brandishing the brush but not attacking for a stretch…

_As if it can't!_

We leap on the advantage—The kids pressing forward while I empty the entirety of my first magazine and Tohru launches more squalls from practically  _behind_  the damn thing!

It howls and clutches its head, beginning to shrink back to the shadow it inhabited. I heave a shaky sigh; can see the others starting to breathe easier too. Kanji is still holding the door in front of himself like a shield, while Yukiko backs up and says something I can't make out. Tohru slumps against the wall and reloads a derringer, pausing to grumble about something.

_They're all easing up. This must be part of the drill…_

Kanji motions me forward as the shadow looks more the way it did before its tantrum. I see my yellow-eyed self chuff and pace a bit, before stopping to finally glare at me and shake his head. "You really want this?" he contends.

"Mmn." I nod. "You  _are_  a part of me… Your habits are what I wish to ease back into—A simpler, blunted life… To give up and stop working so goddamn hard to move forward."

I make  _damn_  sure to stare right at him—To bore through his shiny orbs with my own steel-hued gaze when I admit to what will always slumber inside my mind. "You are part of me—A part I'm always tempted to reconnect with…"

The shadow gives a showy sigh and runs his hand through his hair again. "I entrust you the persona Yama: Judge of the Underworld." My shadow holds out his hand and I grip it in mine; pump it the two times I was taught necessary for a handshake. He gives me a knowing smile and disappears, breaking into fragments of light that form into what I can only think of as  _my persona_.

He floats in the air ahead of me: a large humanoid garbed in a black, flowing robe. His antique, matching hat bears the characters for "Without Exception". The only thing similar to the previous abomination is the fude—Which is still within his grasp and measures the full-height of the specter.

His face is set into a peaceful, yet stern expression.

"Few recall a visit to my domain!" the persona's voice booms. "Adjudicator of humans, I am the persona without weakness—I reflect aggression back on its malefactors."

I sense a connate and nonverbal agreement pass between us. Yama taps his brush on the ground and a shock jolts through the room. He nods once and breaks down into more bits of light, which form into a blue card that looks as though it floats into my suddenly outstretched palm.

"Party's over," I hear my voice order. I spin around to see Ryota has moved right into my personal space. "What's the plan?" he demands with narrowed eyes.

"Plan?" an annoyed voice calls. I turn around to see that Marie girl walking towards us. Rise beams at her, asking when she arrived.

Marie snorts. "Just now. It-wasn't-like-I-heard-you-calling-or-anything!" The woman groans dramatically and glares, hands on her hips. "None of you  _have_  a plan. That's why I'm here."

Yukiko giggles and Kanji scratches his head. Tohru stares at her as though he wishes she hadn't come. Rise walks forward to join the rest of us, sensing Marie will protect her from anything else that may attack.

"You two," Marie jabs her finger at Ryota and myself. "Come here. I'm going to fix it."

I see Tohru backing away form the group, keeping a tight grip on his revolver. He looks suspicious of the new arrival.

 _'Who is that?_ ' Ryota asks, his eyes wide.

"You don't know her?" I ask aloud and he groans.

Marie smirks when I approach her. "Nope. I'm under the radar."

 _'Who—What—?!'_ He openly gawks, out of the loop.

"She's a goddess—Kanji said," I tell him.

Ryota looks doubtful, stealing wary glances at the now solemn-faced woman. She adjusts her oversized hat, but doesn't say a word. Ryota gives in when he sees we're all waiting on him. "You'll make it so I can leave?" he haltingly questions.

Marie nods and he walks over to us. She sighs and touches both of our shoulders. _It feels like something inside of me is closing up..._

Looking up, I can see that Tohru watches me, looking edgy. When I turn back to Marie, she's unabashedly glowering at the man.

"I-knew-that-bastard-was a-problem," she mutters, releasing the two of us. When I look over, Ryota is inspecting himself— _He looks like he was never injured to begin with!_

I try to take a peek at my own shoulder. I attempt to lift the chain mail, but it doesn't budge.

_It's the consistency of water. I can't get it off enough to see anything..._

I'm interrupted by Marie's voice. "He's made of different stuff than you," she explains. "It isn't the same." Marie looks down, frowning. "Sorry," she quietly spits.

I shake my head, quirking my mouth. "Not your fault."

Se looks back up at me, surprised. After a beat, she grins and shrugs, looking shy instead of indignant.

"We're good?" Kanji questions.

Marie hesitates, glancing at Tohru. "...Not quite." She walks closer to him and Tohru grimaces. "You should stay out of the TV World," she commands, waving her hand in front of his face. "It will try to resurface when you're around shadows—Or  _parts_  of shadows."

"That's how I found them," Ryota admits in a tense voice.

"This one was your only shadow?" Marie questions while Tohru's eyes burn through her.

He doesn't answer, and Marie turns back to the rest of us.

"Now you're good," she confidently nods.

Rise looks between Kanji and Marie. "What...?" she trails off.

"What should you do with him?" Marie finishes. "Is that what you want to know?"

I look around and can see that no one has an answer.

Rise finally finishes her thought. "It might be problematic for someone so similar to show up in town."

The black-haired girl seems to consider the situation. "You like silence?" she asks Ryota.

He nods. "Love it."

Marie nods to herself a few times. "Okay. Come with me and we'll see what I can find. Big noses scare you?"

"...Come again?" Ryota asks, as confused as myself at the non-sequitur.

"You'll be fine. Needed-to-find-someone-to-take-my-place-anyhow..." Marie mumbles the last part—but I catch it.

 _'What does she do?'_  I hear in my head.

 _'I don't know,'_  I reply, attempting to get the hang of this.  _'But she is a goddess, remember? Could be anything.'_

 _'Hnn. Interesting...'_  Ryota perks up and walks over to Marie. He folds his arms and proclaims his answer. "Fine. I'll go with you."

Marie makes a face, raising an eyebrow. "It wasn't a choice." She breaks away from everyone and turns in a circle, looking around. "With him gone, this place will be unstable. I'll take care of it."

"But it's not even that big," Tohru protests, squinting at her. "We should get rid of it, but it can't be much of a problem..."

"You think this is the only room here?" Marie questions. She doesn't explain, simply walks to a corner of the office with Ryota tagging behind her. They disappear in a flash of blue.

Tohru shakes his head, miffed, and looks at the kids. "We need to get out of here quick, then." My old partner waves us over and says "poof", holding out an open palm. The largest television I have  _ever seen_  appears behind him! "This is what you're used to, right?"

"N-not exactly," Kanji tells him.

Tohru grumbles something, sounding irritated before trying again. "Kanji, put your stupid weapon there and I'll get it back outside."

Yukiko shrugs and steps through first. The other two follow. I totter a little and Tohru grabs my hand to pull me through behind him.

Arriving back at my house is a shock—We're launched from the television much higher than I expected, and we drop down in a pile. I don't think I would've known how to land on my feet when falling  _upwards_  in the first place, but I feel poorly about squishing Tohru. When the dizziness wears off, it's an effort to get up—Even _with_ Kanji doing most of the work for me.

The others are already moving about, taking off their equipment and chatting with the kids on the couch. I'm relieved at the positive feel of the house.  _I'm happy this is over..._

"All good?" Nanako questions with a smile.

"Yes," I assure her, returning it with one of my own. "As far as I know." I stifle a yawn while Tohru tugs the chainmail off for me.

She nods. "Marie told me what happened. Things are alright now?"

"Yeah," Tohru brusquely answers for me.

I look between them, certain they're not saying everything. "Something else you should tell me?" I quip. Nanako shakes her head and rises, telling us she'd ordered food and that it's waiting downstairs. Teddie follows her instantly, with Kanami also beating a hasty retreat while the other three organize their stuff and compare notes.

Rise and Yukiko gather up their things and head down shortly after. I can hear them talking and laughing, and I like my house like this.

"Here," Kanji, says, holding out a funny-shaped piece of— _Well, I don't know what the hell it is_.

It  _is_  heavy and dark and shiny, but I don't believe it's metal. "You can sell it to old man Daidara." When I take it, he explains a little more. "That's one of the shadow pieces he was talking about. He can make you a better weapon with it, if you'd prefer... What kind of magic can you do, anyway?"

"Hmm," I hear Tohru hum, joining the conversation. "Seems like light and dark. Fire later on?"

I gape at the two. " _Huh_? How would you know when I don't even have a clue? And how would I  _do_  something like that?!"

"It's easy," Tohru shrugs. "You're not an idiot. I'll show you some other time... You should probably take it easy. Go eat—I'm going to put everything away first."

I set the oblong object on the table alongside the other items. Then I stretch, beginning to notice a new kind of tiredness settling in...

_I feel exhausted down to my core..._

"Alright," I tell the guys and head downstairs, wondering if I should understand all this more implicitly, like the rest of them. I'll just have to trust I'll pick it up—And hopefully not have to my new powers to the test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my slight redesign of Yama, I saw his concept art on the wiki and translated the kanji on his stick. I couldn't parse the whole thing out, but thought "Without Exception" sums up his duties pretty well.
> 
> It was a bit of a happy accident that Yama is in charge of Yomotsu Hirasaka and who passes through! I only made the connection late last night and figured I should put in a throwback to Oretachi... It SERIOUSLY could not have all connected better if I'd tried...
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope the two shadows were worth the wait
> 
> Re-Edited 6/16/17


	17. Watashi (Nanako)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanako's version of everyone coming back through the TV—A little more reliable than Dojima's because he's got the exhaustion. She has an important conversation with Teddie and Tohru, where Teddie tries to bring up his origins. Tohru shuts that RIGHT down, which puzzles Nanako.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last few chapters are going to be titled after Japanese pronouns for "I". This one is the general, most polite form used by all people of all ages. Nanako is pretty polite and proper, and I believe she uses watashi all the time in the game... Can't quite remember.  
> Get stoked for the last chapter!! I ended up deciding who gets it and what the title will be :O

Chapter Fourteen: Watashi

(Nanako)

Waiting for everyone to come back through the TV feels like the longest hour of my life. _I always enjoy chatting with Teddie and Kanami, but I've been really worried for the others._

We halt our conversation when Yukiko bounces out of the screen, briefly soaring through the air to land on her feet by the door. Rise is second—And she also lands nimbly. Kanji is less graceful. He shoots out right after Rise, and has to flail to the side so he doesn't smack into her. She laughs and pats his back.

A little while later, Tohru and Dad fly out looking like the biggest pair of buffoons. Tohru's gripping Dad—who's not even facing the right direction—and they crash to the ground in a heap. Tohru screeches when his leg catches on the coffee table and then it’s quiet as the others try not to laugh.

They're still for a minute until Tohru makes a strangled noise, at which point Dad rolls away and Kanji helps him up.  _He looks asleep on his feet!_

_Is this what they meant when they said people usually get sick?_

"All good?" I ask with a strained smile, watching while Tohru pulls the armor off and takes things out of Dad's pockets. He sets it all on the table neatly, taking stock of what’s left over. 

"Yes," Dad tells me, smiling back. "As far as I know." He yawns loudly.

I nod. "Marie told me what happened. Things are alright now?"

"Yeah," Tohru tightly replies, talking before Dad has a chance. He motions with his eyes that he'll fill me in later. _He doesn't look too happy._

Dad sweeps his eyes between Tohru and I, suspicious. "Something else you should tell me?" he barks.

I shake my head, sighing. "I ordered food, and it's waiting downstairs. I'll meet you all down there..."

"Me, too!" Teddie yells, following me. I hear Kanami laugh and follow him. 

"At least they all came back," I grumble. Teddie grabs my hand and smiles kindly. 

"Of course they all came back!" he says. "We've never lost  _anybody_!"

Kana giggles. "Man am I happy about that!" 

I feel myself smiling a little, too—Lightening up. "None of you knew it was going to be so dangerous?"

I pause when I notice the fox sitting by the couch, looking more like a pet than a wild animal. He walks over to me and drops something into my hand.  _A few small leaves._  

Teddie shakes his head, looking over at us curiously. " _I didn't!_  And I think Tohru would've said something..." We both watch the quiet animal walk to the door and wait pertinently, tail twitching.

I nod. "Yeah." I open the front door and the fox bounds away, trotting towards the river.

"Just take the lids off?" Kana calls, bringing the food over to the low table.

"Yes please," I tell her, also grabbing some of the containers. Teddie takes out cups and drinks, asking me for the leaves.

Kanami keeps sneaking quick looks at the two of us and I motion for her to go ahead with what's on her mind. She bites her lip and fidgets before speaking, looking uncomfortable to bring this up. "You guys really trust Adachi?" she tries. "Rise told me he's pretty awful—N-not that I know him at all, she just seemed concerned!"

Now Teddie's getting squirmy, too. "He's not like that anymore..." He's finished setting out the drinks and now he's trying to make a pot of tea with the leaves from the fox, mixed with regular tea from the cabinet. "He needed to figure out what's important!" Teddie can't keep his hands still while he bounces around the kitchen. "Now he's good."

Teddie sounds sure of himself when he finishes, snapping the water heater shut with a loud click. He plugs it in and puts away the canister of tea.

I meet his eyes when he turns back around. There's a quick smile but it isn't like his usual grins.

 _He's... Twitchy..._  

The conversation ends there, as Yukiko and Rise descend the stairs and sit down. Kanami joins them at the table, bringing plates. Dad is next, which makes Teddie finally calm down a little. He sits next to Dad, bringing over a cup of the tea he made.

_Something is off..._

Kanji and Tohru come down together, talking peaceably for once. Tohru spends dinner in a less argumentative mood, but I can tell Teddie's anxiety is rubbing off on him.

When everyone but Teddie leaves, Dad goes right to bed. Tohru, Teddie, and I sit in the living room in silence—Not daring to address the odd atmosphere until Teddie's phone dings.

He looks up at us. "Kanji wants to know when I'm gonna come home," he tells us. 

"Whenever you wanna leave, you go right ahead," Tohru replies, but it lacks his usual sardonic edge. Part of the problem is that he's half-asleep; has his head in his arms.

I roll my eyes and take this opportunity to ask about earlier. "So what happened?" I question, directing the inquiry to Tohru. 

He grimaces and sighs. "I couldn't fix it. So Marie did." He's quiet for a time and Teddie stares at him intently. "It was  _my_  fault.  _I_  wanted to fix it," he mumbles.

"At least it's over!" Teddie says, trying to cheer him up.

"Okay, _bear_ ," Tohru snorts. "It's over, but that doesn't make it any better..."

"Don't snap at him," I admonish.

Tohru peeks up at me warily. "And what happened to  _you_  today?" he counters.

"You were right," I admit. "I got summoned to the Velvet Room by Marie—But they said I'll be called back in the future."

"Then doesn't that mean it isn't over?" Tohru sighs, challenging us. 

 _I don't know what it means. Only that I may have the chance to do something good._  

I shake my head, telling the truth. "Pass. I don't really know." 

"Yeah?" he tiredly echoes. 

"What were you not saying earlier, after coming back?" I probe.

Tohru groans and tucks his head down so he doesn't have to look at me. "Marie," he mutters. "She helped shut my shadow up, but she said he gets stronger when there are other shadows, or parts of shadows, around me."

His body jumps as he huffs. "She told me to stay out of the TV World, but I don't know if I can—I've already had to go back three times in a week! Plus that's how I get to the place where I contract..." 

"Do you need to contract anymore?" I question.

Tohru grumbles so I can hear, but it sounds like he's arguing with himself. "I have to at least keep up the ones I have. It's a pain if I don't follow our agreements... I don't want to have to find new demons if I need them. It's convenient having more than just my Izanagi. Shadows are annoying..."

"Tohru," Teddie interjects in a high voice. "Where do you think I came from?"

" _Ooh,_ " Tohru whines, covering his head with his hands. "What do I look like, your fucking parent?"

Teddie tips his head and purses his lips, looking unsure how to reply.

"I'm  _not_ ," Tohru forcefully responds to his own rhetorical question. "That was sarcasm."

I look between them, wondering what the look on my friend's face could mean. "What's wrong?" I ask him. 

Teddie shakes his head. "I've just been thinking..." 

"Don't," Tohru chides. "You're better off having stuffing for brains." 

_I've had about enough of this—_

"You're being awfully moody, Tohru-jisan," I quip. "Don't take your frustration out on Teddie."

Tohru looks up at me again but his eyes look different than I expect. He looks more worried than he's sounded all evening. "What would you get out of knowing where you come from?" he asks Teddie, not bothering to turn in his direction. "Would it change anything—Make you less of who you are?"

 _That's a good answer—Also not what I was expecting from Tohru_...

 _But Teddie is Teddie._  

 _He could never be anyone else. The reason he's able to come out of the TV World is because he proved his individuality—Became his own person—Became different from the original._  

_And I like him like this; love his kind demeanor and happy personality. He's so caring... I wouldn't want him any other way._

"I-I don't know," Teddie quietly admits. I reach over to grab his hand, but he jerks it away— _A third surprise._

He sucks in a big breath—I guess he shocked himself, too. His eyes shoot between his hand and mine. I wait patiently for him to make a decision.

Teddie abruptly stands, looking shifter by the minute. "I should walk home," he excuses himself.

Tohru puts his head back down on the table, ignoring the outburst. I rise, however, and follow my friend to the door.

"Are you okay?" I ask him in a serious voice.

Teddie nods quickly. "I just need to figure something out—It's unbearable right now..." He cautiously leans over and hugs me—

And it's _so unlike_ the usual enthusiastic hugs he gives us all, whether they're wanted or not. I wrap my arms around him for a few seconds, and then let him put on his shoes and watch as he practically shoots out the door.

"I'm going to go to bed," I tell Tohru, still feeling as though something is off.

"Nanako," he hesitantly calls out.

I turn around at the base of the stairs. "What is it, Tohru-jisan?" I ask.

Tohru doesn't pick his head back up, and his reply is muffled. "He's better off just focusing on the future. He should forget about wherever he came from—Don't you think it's better that way?"

"I don't know," I honestly reply. "I want him to be happy. If he has to figure it out, then I hope he can."

Tohru does look at me now, his yellow eyes searching me for more answers I don't have. "Even if it upsets him?" Tohru quizzes.

I consider, squashing my immediate impulse to say 'yes'.

But I end up drawing the same conclusion a second time over.

"Yes."  _I hope he does, if that's what he needs._  "I hope he learns the truth." 

I barely catch Tohru's rambling mutters as I climb the stairs. "He's not going to like it..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/16/17


	18. Boku (Tohru)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adachi’s last chapter for this story... Mmn, it’s gonna go out with a bang!!
> 
> First he agonizes about Teddie before going to bed. The morning starts out well, but it just wouldn’t be “Mukidashite” if it went as planned, yeah? Well, last day they have alone. We can all guess what Dojima wants to do—But Adachi has his own plan. Aaaand it goes different than he expects, per usual.
> 
> After, they talk about loads of stuff, yet nothing resolved gets resolved. As usual. Then Adachi has a bit of an incident—He’s coming a little unglued again... Lastly, he has another chat with Nanako, this time about Teddie and her notebook, which Kanji just gave back. And Teddie—He didn’t follow Nanako home today. Even Dojima thinks that’s weird...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Boku" is a way for a guy to say "I". Less formal and polite than "watashi", but generally alright, unless you're speaking to someone much socially-higher than yourself. What I always see Adachi using when I read.
> 
> Loads of liberties with the house. Never realized that Yuu’s room is on THE FREAKING FIRST FLOOR till I was rechecking some pics on the wiki (and saw backyard right outside the window)... I have it on the second. I also have the other two bedrooms with those faux-balcony things that seem so popular.
> 
> I’d like to give a sort-of apology. I feel a little guilty that every ichaicha scene looks like you opened the door to find a package! But it’s actually a flaming bag of poo... And you only realize once you’ve picked it up and everything’s on fire and smells like shit. Today’s isn’t nearly as bad as some of the others, but eh. I feel bad, but it’s one of the things that drives development and plot here... (I tallied. In real-time order, we have: panic attack, fear of love, peer pressure, severe physical trauma, severe emotional trauma, self-harm, interrupted by a monster, and now today’s two problems...) (For the record, the crying really surprised me and I stopped writing and went back and was all 'wait, waaaaaat'.)
> 
> I’m also not entirely satisfied with this chapter. These are all scenes I wanted so badly to jam into Adachi’s last chapter. Most were either half-written or poorly written, but I knew he needed them in his chapter. Spent the day at the hospital and didn’t have as much time to devote to fixing it all up. If you think it isn’t up to par, let me know. I wouldn’t mind fixing it—I wanted to keep myself to a schedule and post today, even though I just checked and I have only ten minutes of “day left”—!!
> 
> Thanks for your continued support and for reading!!!

 Chapter Fifteen: Boku

(Tohru)

Teddie finally left. Nana went upstairs upset, worried for her little boyfriend.

I want to go up and sleep. But I know what's coming and it's making feel too aggravated. I won't be able to relax.

_That stupid fucking brat is going to make a fuss, isn't he?_

He's had a nice human life—You can easily see that he enjoys his days with his friends. All he does is goof off, spending time with his fake-family or Nanako.

He has it  _good_...

They all accept him how he is without caring where he came from or why he's even here. Not a one of these people question his humanity— _His sincerity._  Everyone takes his caring and loyalty as fact, because he's never shown a side of him that isn't.

_Why would he want to ruin that by knowing where he comes from? It’s nowhere good._

_He was a shadow—_

_He's a cast-off!_

_He's someone's psychological garbage that they don't want!_

_Better off without..._

_He doesn't need to remember._

_It's better if he doesn't have to._

I don't know how long I've been leaning on the low table, thinking about the idiot, but I'm pooped. It's uncomfortable down here—I should go up.

If for nothing else, I need to check on Ryoutarou. I don't know anything about people getting ‘sick’ after awakening their persona, but I don't want that. Teddie said the tea would help.

_Sick..._

And there's the  _other_  thing.

_What's this shit about jumping out the window? No one told me about that._

Why—

I know I couldn't have done anything but—

_But—_

But what?

_I left._

_Why would anyone tell me..._

I try to muffle an angry groan as I climb the stairs.  _I'll ask about it... At some point._

I'm glad we don't have to worry about shadows pulling themselves out of the TV anymore. But what the hell is  _next_?

I slide open the bedroom door and see that Ryoutarou hasn't moved, not even to turn on his side. He's out sprawled on his back, snoring loudly. He sleeps like a freaking log— _A log that likes to roll over and squish you..._

I'd be happy if this means I get to sleep in. Today was exhausting—Too many shadows. Too many people.

_Too much having to play nice._

I crawl into bed hoping tomorrow is better, but knowing it’ll only bring more problems.

\---***---

I wake up to a text from Nanako—She wants to know if we ever ate the food she left out.

_That’s a hard ‘no’._

It’s almost ten. I look over at Ryoutarou and see he’s stull zonked out cold.  _Bet he never slept this much in his life._

That thought makes my mouth turn up as I laugh quietly, hoping not to wake him. I roll out of bed and reply to Nanako, thanking her and letting her know I’ll take care of it.

I also tell her to check on Teddie. I want to make sure he’s dropped the shit from yesterday.

Of course I don’t tell her  _that_ —Just that I’m worried because he left in such a rush.

I reheat the soup and decide to put on coffee. Mine came out okay last time, so at least it shouldn’t make us feel  _worse_.

I groan when I know it’s definitely past time that I should wake Ryoutarou. I’m betting he’ll be in a shitty mood.  _In my experience, morning people don’t like waking up late._

I slide back into the bedroom and take a seat on the futon. I study the sleeping man and get more into my own head— _In a bad way._

I know a lot of this is my fault. It all stemmed from choices that  _I_  made.

_More than his shadows themselves, their words and actions were the real wake-up slaps._

I never put any thought into what happened  _after_  I left the hospital. He never told me about the following days, weeks, months, and I never asked. If things were good  _now_ , that seemed like the only thing that mattered.

And he never asked  _me_  about anything.

Not to explain—the murders; the lying; the way I left him.  _None of it._

_Has he not moved on as much as he tries to pretend?_

I  _need_  to know—

To figure out what  _my_  missing pieces are.

To tell  _him_  the pieces missing from his own memory.

We need to get on stable ground, to clear out whatever’s left over and been festering beneath the surface.

_Today we’ll start over..._

I reach out and place my hand on Ryoutarou’s bad shoulder, trying to rouse him by just rubbing it gently. It sets my nerves on end—now that he  _knows_ —but I’m going to get past it.

He finally blinks awake, struggling to focus on me.

“Mornin’,” I softly greet him.

“Hey,” he yawns. “What—what time is it?”

I snicker. “You don’t want to know.”

_Instead of jamming sloppily shaped pieces in the empty places all slap-dash, we need to be more deliberate about how we put ourselves back together—How we build ourselves back up._

“Is there coffee?” Ryoutarou asks.

“Yup~” I nod. “You feeling okay?”

He cracks a smile. “A little sore, but I’ll be fine.”

Downstairs, I put the food together and we eat quietly. When we’re done, he takes the plates to the sink and washes them while I finish my coffee. Which I’m  _sort-of_  getting used to.

"This is our last day alone," Ryoutarou sighs, clearing the rest of the mess.

I finish my coffee and bring the mug over to him. "That's okay," I tell him. "Things have to reach an equilibrium at some point... You can't have it all one way or the other."

"Someone's a smartass today," he jokes, smirking.

"Eh, I have my brilliant moments," I retort. I fold my arms and wait while he washes the dishes. "Plans for today?" I question.

"Well  _it's_ —" he starts, keeping his head over the sink. "It’s our last day alone," he repeats, like I'm an idiot.

I can't help laughing— _Loud_. Ryoutarou doesn't seem amused at my finding his embarrassment humorous. He sighs and I can see he's going a little red.

_Sometimes he really is..._

_Well, funny._

_Dancing around what he wants... Not my style at all._

"Give me a few minutes—I'll meet you up there."

I knew he was going to do this today. Last night I thought of an idea to ensure it goes better than last time.

_...You’re not going to like it._

I stop off in my room before returning to his— _our_ —room. He’s standing at the open balcony door smoking. He slides it mostly shut when hen hears my close the other one.

"I want to trust you," I assert.

"Same," Ryoutarou sighs. "Let me—"

I shake my head, cutting him off. "I want to do whatever  _you_  want to do. I always pick."

He snorts. "That's not true..." He pitches the cigarette and watches me guardedly.

"No," I grunt. "Now you know the one time you picked I almost killed you. That's  _real_  great. Fucking fantastic."

"Hey, " he steps over and puts an arm around me. "C’mon—No..."

"Okay then." I laugh shakily and back up. "You know what I want you to do?" I look him that in the eye.

Ryoutarou shakes his head. "What?"

"Use this." I pull my old tie out of my pocket and hold it up.

"What for?" he asks me, confused.

I don't break our stare-off. "I'm going to put my hands back here," I tell him and stick my arms behind my back. "And you're going to tie them so I can't fucking rip you to shreds."

He winces at that last part. "You're not—"

" _One time,_ " I demand, not breaking eye contact. "I want us to do it in a way you'd like. And this way I can't ' _do something stupid_ ' like burn myself again. And I  _know_  you knew what those spots are. You know I'm not an idiot and I know you're not one.”

I inhale, working my way to asserting that I _don’t want to discuss it_. “I'm not ready to talk about it right now. But I'll let you know." I walk towards him. "So take the tie—Not like I'll be going anywhere fancy. Plus, you bought it for me." I shrug and suck in a deep breath. "And do what I'm asking."

Ryoutarou looks a bit miserable. But he complies. He takes the tie from me and I turn around, holding my wrists together. "You'll tell me to stop, right?" he nervously asks.

"You don't hurt me."

"If your hands go _numb_ or something—"

"Yeah," I acquiesce. "I'll let you know."

He sighs and wraps the old red tie around my wrists and expertly knots it.

"You ever done anything like this?" I ask, curious.

" _No!_ " he loudly objects.

I let a nervous laugh escape me. "Don't worry so much."

"You're most of the reasons I worry..." I roll my eyes, but he just smiles shyly at me. "Can we at least sit?"

"You tell me," I reply, awkwardly bending my legs to fall on my butt. He snickers and holds his arm behind me so it's an easier drop to the futon. "See? Trust already," I joke and smile back, can see he’s lightening up.

Then Ryoutarou leans in to kiss me—and it’s a nice kiss. A fucking great one.

I feel needed— _Wanted_.

_I don’t know which of those is more important._

When I eventually lean back to breathe for a minute—catch my breath—I see he’s got a more serious expression. He kisses my neck and my chest is hammering— _So loud._

I feel like I'm on _fire_ —Definitely straining on the damn tie already. I squirm as he moves down my chest. He stops to remove my shorts, slide off his own boxers.

"Gonna be alright?" he leers.

Now I can hear the pounding as if it’s coming from the inside’ve my head—So much noise I can't believe he _doesn't_ hear it.

I nod.

Ryoutarou finally scoots closer to me. "Come here," he commands and pulls me into his lap. He holds me off the ground with his legs touches my other end gently.

"Oh just do it—" I grate. I can tell by the look on his face that he’s still uncomfortable with this, but it's so frustrating already—Having to wait any longer. I can't help grinding against him— _Can't keep still._ I know _he's_ ready, leaning his head into my chest and panting.

When Ryoutarou finally braces his hand against my back so I can shift higher, I hear myself hiss a gigantic sigh of relief through my closed teeth. _Like a steam vent releasing._

For the record, it doesn't hurt. It's certainly not the first time we're doing this and I hate how careful he always is with me. I like it, in a way... But at the same time there's _nothing_ more aggravating.

He keeps the one hand on my back so I can participate easier, moving my own body in time with his. It's more aggravating than I thought, not being able to do anything with my own hands. All I can do is lean forward and moan into his shoulder—Bite down a little.

He doesn't even tell me not to—He’s too busy concentrating on everything else.

And _I'm_  gentle—Not nearly as aggressive about it as usual.

I don't even complain for him to go faster. When I can't easily spur him on there's no point—

Which _was the point_ , actually—To do this  _his_  way. Not mine.

And it does feel good. The whole thing—Part of it being that I'm able to let go and not worry about doing something I'll regret.

"I love you," Ryoutarou tells me, and I can tell he's almost done. I stop moving myself, keeping still because there's no way I can match his freneticism like this.

I push him with my words. “ _Ryou—_ ”

"Toh-ru," he chokes out—convulsing—clutching me.

I let loose some utterance myself, but it's not even a word. I can barely make out the sound over the clamor of my heartbeat in my ears.

He doesn't release me, instead moves his other hand to also grasp my back and hold me to him. All I can think is that we're going to be a mess and I am  _so close_  to making an annoyed sound, when I realize he's crying.

And not  _just_  crying, but full-out sobbing—

 _There are tears_ : I can feel them on my bare shoulder.

"W-what?" I dumbly question.

"Everything," he hollowly replies.

_I don't know what to say. I thought today was going well._

"H-huh? What?!" I stammer.

Ryoutarou's still hanging onto me. "It's all coming out—Everything we've been hiding—I didn't want you to know—"

"Hey!" I yelp. "Me eit—" I start, but get cut off.

" _Don't you ever leave me again,_ " he grits out. "Tell me  _everything_! Let me  _in_!! This is so frustrating!!  _I'm_  the one who doesn't let people in—”

He grunts out a bitter noise. “ _You're_  the  _goon_  who spills everything and blabbers nonstop—It's  _hard_  being left out! Is this how it was for them? For Nanako? For Chisato? For Yuu?" He shaky voice sounds like he's shattering.

And I only care about one of those names. I'd say I'm a good sport about the second. And I don't give a shit about the third.

— _And I'm getting a bit nervous about not being able to do anything._

"You should really untie me now," I tell him, but he's crying again and I don't think he even remembers... Isn't paying attention to anything but his rant—

_Fuck!_

_This isn't what I wanted...!_

I meant for this to knock down some of my own walls, not obliterate the few protective pieces that kept  _his_  heart safe.

"Hey!" I bark. "Listen to me!" He finally loosens his grip a little and leans back so he can see my face. _He looks like hell._.. "Untie me," I order.

He numbly complies and I sigh, satisfied that I can now wrap my arms around him.

"It's okay," I try to convince him, knowing in some cases it isn't. "You can't change what's already happened. Talk to me. Talk to Nanako. And Yuu, if you have to." He nods, looking a little more himself.

I groan, but keep going. "And..."

 _Ugh, dammit!_  I don't like even thinking about  _her_. "For Chisato, you can go to her grave or something. Talk like you'd... Talk to her..." I shrug.

"Will you come with me?" Ryoutarou desperately demands.

"Ooh, I—" I stop.

_He look like he's going to fucking cry again, fucking—!_

"Yeah," I relent, admitting defeat. "Whatever."

... _It was my idea._

 _I wonder if he has any idea how much I hate her._ How I despise what a hold she has over him, even though she's dead. Even though she isn't physically here and he can't ever see her or talk to her again.

 _Note to self_ : maybe mention some of  _that_  stuff to the doctor. If I  _have_  to cooperate anyway...

"You've never come with me before," Ryoutarou remarks. "I'd like that." He rubs my back, placating.

I sigh. "Do you even realize how weird that is?" I ask.

"Hmm?"

"You want to bring your 'gay lover' to your wife's grave."

"Oi!" Ryoutarou sharply yells. "Don't try to diminish who you are to me."

"How would  _you_  call me?!" I incredulously challenge.

He sighs.

"That's what I thought," is my vicious reply.

Ryoutarou squeezes his eyes shut for a long time and then opens them, gazing at me very seriously. _Intently._ "How long have we been together?" he evenly asks me.

"I don't know!" I exclaim.

_Almost six years._

"I knew this would come up eventually," Ryoutarou muses. "But I didn't want to address it so tastelessly!" He groans. "Are you interested in being moved to my family registry?"

I freeze. " _Am I what now?_ " I dumbly ask.

"It's not marriage or anything, but there are ways we could move you to my family registry."

I frown, unnerved at the prospect at how that  _would_  define me. " _Like an heir adoption?_ " I voice, alarmed.

Ryoutarou groans, looking me like I'm the _stupidest_. "Kind of—” he starts, shaking his head. “But not _really_ —”

He gazes at me sincerely. “That's how we can get spousal rights, moron—And I don't know about the rest of it. I would need to research more," he guardedly admits. "Do you even know that's the main substitute for people like us to get married? Aren't you supposed to know this stuff?  _I_  had to do a lot of reading!"

"I—" I start, confused. "I didn't think you'd even want to consider something like that. You still—" I screw my mouth shut. I don't want to have to say it.

He glares. "What? I still  _what_?"

I shake my head vehemently, pressing my lips together.

" _I love you_. Does that matter to you? Does it even register in there?!" He sharply pokes my head. "You're here, with me. I want you to be happy and to support you, alright? It's not about loving you more or less—That's not something I think about or will validate.”

“It’s—” Ryoutarou glances around, looking tense. “It's about our living our lives and moving forward. _Together._ I—" he falters. "You need to tell me what you want, and I'll tell you the options." He nods a few times at the end, looking pleased with himself. "And we have to confer with Nanako—That's very important."

"I know," I agree. "I would want to, even if you didn't."

His smiles at that. "That's another part of why I would like this. You get along with and care about her like family. There's nothing more I could want." He's beaming, now. "I don't know if we would have to alter anything else on the register for it to work—I need to look into that, and would need Nanako's consent, you understand."

It's not a question. "Yeah," I nod.  _I get that._

"Good," Ryoutarou sighs and embraces me. "Good," he affirms.

I hold him to me and give the only answer I can conceive of. "I'd like that."

"Good," he says one more time, and I can hear the smile in his voice. It twists my insides, pulls me taut.

_I don't like wanting things like this._

“Okay...” I sigh, backing away. “That—That’s enough decisions for now.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, standing up. “Let’s go.  _I_  sure didn’t shower yesterday.”

_Great..._

I grab clean clothes and drop them on the sink before peeling the latest bandage from under my jaw.  _Realized that if I keep changing it he doesn’t notice._

"Lemme see," Ryoutarou grumbles, jerking my head.

_—Fuck._

I hiss but let him see the healing still-healing burn.

"Now that I know—Why didn't you heal this yourself if you can?" Ryoutarou asks, his tone agitated.

I yank my head back, glaring. "I chose this!" I spit without thinking— _Because saying the first thing that boils to the surface has always worked out well for me._

" _What?_ " he frowns, continuing to speak more slowly. "You said you didn't think—"

I groan. "Didn't think when I said _that_ , either," I mutter. I face him, can feel my brows draw together in an unpleasant expression. "This..."

I have to stop and draw in a deep breath. I  _just_  said I didn't want to talk about it right now— _So what the fuck?!_

"This used to happen a lot," I admit, feeling my gut coil up. It's an itchy nervousness that I can't reach to scratch.

"It wasn't my choice—" My voice sounds angry and desperate—More volatile than I mean for it to sound.  _I don't want to give all this away. This is mine to carry—It's not something you can share._

_The hurt._

_The fear._

_The hopelessness._

_Knowing I couldn't pull myself out._

"Tohru?" Ryoutarou asks, his voice dripping concern as he reaches for my arm, but stops short. He looks like he thinks I don't want him near me—Don't want  _anyone_  near me.

I jolt back to the moment—Hadn't realized I was looking at the floor, fuming.

I can only tell I'm so mad because of the worry that bounces off his face when he sees mine.

"What is it?" he softly entreats.

_And I don't want to—_

I don’t want to _do_ this!

I don't want to tell him and see that gentleness he always pushes on me when I need to seethe.

_Like he can quash the burning by matching my apoplexy with warmheartedness—_

But it  _doesn't_  work that way!

_I want it—_

_I want to be worked up—I need it—_

_I need to rant and rave and let it out in a way that doesn't break me down._

In a way where I can stay angry and not have to think about abstracts like ' _sad_ ' or ' _unfair_ '—

_Anger is easier._

_Is—_

_I need the easy way—_

_I need—_

_—easy—_

_I need—_

_—need—_

_I need—_

_—I—_

_I need—_

When I open my eyes, it's difficult. They're screwed shut so tightly it's an effort to come back to reality.

_...I'm in the tub._

Curled up in the corner, even though there's no water in it and I'm still wearing my socks. I’m balled into myself again, can feel my glare pricking outwards.

Ryoutarou is peering down at me carefully, like he thinks if he gets too close I'll disappear. There's concern etched into his face—The set of his eyes and the way his mouth is half-open like he wants to say something, but doesn't know what it should be.

"Tohru?" he calls, his voice a little shaky.

I nod, realizing my hands are tangled in my hair, gripping my head. I guardedly move them to my lap, folding them to keep from fidgeting.

"Are... You..." Ryoutarou tries, frowning. I don't say anything, so he shakes his head and tries again. "Do you want a hand?"

He sticks his arm out, dangling said hand near my face. I feel irritated as I take it in mine and stand with his help.

I lead us back out to the other room and peel off my socks. When he can see I'm acting more normal, I hear Ryoutarou pad away to turn on the tub and shower. At least he isn't pushing for more answers.

_Right now._

I sigh and look at my self in the mirror.  _Even my eyes are seething._

I twist the faucet, releasing a sluice of cold water. I splash it on my face to see if I can calm down.

"Are you going to come back in?" Ryoutarou questions from the other room.

I nod, and then realize I have to use my words. "Yes," I reply, my voice sounding a little hollow.

_Kind of empty—Like I'm a shell again._

_I'm worrying too much._

I walk through the doorway and lean against the wall. He's on the stool washing up, so I quietly wait my turn.

"Siddown," Ryoutarou finally sighs, standing up and moving out of the way.

I groan, but do take a seat. He hands me the washcloth and I scrub myself, passing it back so he can get my back. That’s a little relaxing.

Then I stand and do his. We rinse off, then climb into the steaming tub in silence.

We face each other, another stare-off.

"Will you tell Aizawa now?"

I continue to gaze back at him. Silent.

"Then can  _I_  tell Aizawa?" he sighs.

I nod, seeing the set in his jaw—That defiant way he squares his face when he's not going to let something slide.

“Good,” Ryoutarou exhales. “That’s good...”

_Not really._

\---***---

I hear the lock turn and look up from my game. Nanako walks inside by herself—There’s no obnoxious Teddie today.

“Welcome ba...” I trail off, sighing. She looks pretty upset.

“What happened?” I try again, adjusting my greeting to ask the clearly more important question. I put the system to sleep and set it on the table, attempting to show Nanako that I can listen.

She frowns to herself and pours a glass of water before dropping down on my right, kitty corner at the table. She tosses her bag next to her, not bothering to deposit it in her room, like normal. “Where’s Dad?” she asks, looking around suspiciously.

“He went for a walk,” I reply. “He was aggravated he didn’t exercise this morning.”  _Also aggravated at our latest disaster, but she doesn't need to know all that._  I feel my mouth setting into a wry smile despite not wanting to think about it all.

Nanako nods. “Good. I needed to talk to you alone.”

_Well now she’s got my attention. Though it can’t be anything positive._

“Yeah?” I raise my eyebrows, indicating for her to go on.

Nanako opens her bag and takes out a hair tie, which she uses to pull her hair back into a ponytail. Then she reaches back inside, her expression very serious. This time she takes out the notebook I gave her the other day.

“You... Really like it?” I query— _Honestly a little surprised she wasn’t just being nice._

Nanako nods again. “I found a good use for it,” she says with a smile. “You’re next.” She passes it to me and motions that I should look inside.

I flip through it, but notice only the first page is free—The next ten or so are all stapled together. She looks on as I get the message and turn back. I read the instructions: they’re literally labeled “Instructions”.

“This is what you want?” I question.

“Yes,” she replies, maintaining eye-contact. “Can you do that? It’s very important to me.”

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I look back down at the notebook before I answer. “Yes,” I promise her. “I can do that for you, if it’s what you want...” I look back up at her, meeting her sincere gaze. “But you can always just ask me questions—I-I’ll tell you if you want me to...” I suck in a breath, trying to be calm. “What—exactly—do you want to know?”

“Whatever you  _think_  I should know. Whatever you want to tell me. I leave it up to you—If I need clarification later, I’ll ask. I want real answers, but at this point I’ve forgotten the questions.”

“O-okay. Yeah...” I try to smile, but feel a whole new load of anxiety. “And the people who know about this are...?”

“You and Kanji.”

“Ah.” I scratch my head, having figured that was the answer. “So...”

Nanako glances at the stairs before taking the notebook back. “I’ll put it under the couch in your room.”

“Uh—I— _There’s_ —” I stammer, unsure how to tell her to watch out for the gun I leave there.

“I know,” she rolls her eyes, fighting to keep a straight face. “I’ve found  _six_. How many has Dad found?”

I feel my mouth hanging open again. “ _That’s—uhh—_ ”

She giggles. “I win, right?”

“That’s  _all_  of them,” I marvel. “I’m impressed. But, when do you even—”

“When you’re asleep,” she admits. “I wake up a lot earlier than you. I’m not the most trusting of adults.”

I snort a laugh. “That’s probably wise,” I agree.

“Tohru-jisan,” Nanako starts, suddenly serious again. “Why do  _you_  trust  _me_? I’m not naïve enough to think it’s just because I was a kid. You’ve always acted nice to me, but your personality—” she shakes her head a few times. “I know you could just as easily  _not_  have liked me for a lot of the same reasons.”

_Sharp..._

I feel my true opinions flowing out quicker than I can think to rein them in. “You trusted me implicitly—Never looked down on me. You were always excited when you saw me, even if it was because of something that wasn’t good, like bringing your dad home— _uh_ —d-drunk. You—Y-you didn’t  _pity_  me—You didn’t treat me like a  _convenience_!  _You weren’t happy to see me only when it was good for you_ —”

_It’s just pouring out—_

_Like I couldn’t stop it even if I tried—_

“You don’t like me because you  _have to_  or because I  _do anything_  for you!!  _You just do!_ ”

I have to stop for a breath. Even though all of that’s true, it was hard to say. It felt almost like too much.

_But at that moment it felt like almost too much to keep in._

“Tohru-jisan,” Nanako says again. I follow her eyes and see that I’ve balled up my fists on the table. She pokes one of them with her index finger, and I try to unclamp my own. “That’s not quite the right answer.” I feel my face fall, anxious now.

“That’s a great answer, but it’s not the question I asked. Those sound more like  _love_. That’s what love is— _All of those things._ ” Nanako smiles. It starts out small, but I watch it grow into a nice, big smile. “You don’t ‘like’ someone just because they don’t use you or pity you. You ‘ _like_ ’ someone because of their traits: things like if they’re fun to be around, or if you enjoy the same books.”

She pokes my hand after each sentence. “You ‘love’ someone when you can trust them or help them even when they don’t ask or may not deserve it. You ‘ _love_ ’ them when you care about what they want and what’s good for them. It’s when they’re just as—or more—important than you.”

She pokes my hand one more time and I finally let it fall flat. “Think about it. Write that in there if you want to—If that’s  _all_  you write, then it’s good enough.” Nanako pauses for a minute, smiling to herself. “With the guns, my ‘guard-bear’ helped. He has a good nose.”

“Nanako,” I try, swallowing the worry creeping up again. “If I were to find out where Teddie came from—if I found out  _who_  he came from—would you want to know even if it isn’t good?”

“I get the feeling you already know,” she pointedly replies. “And I get the feeling he has a good idea, too.” She holds up her finger, jabbing it in the air. “ _And_  I get the feeling that’s why the two of you won’t talk about it; that it’s why he didn’t come over today.”

I sigh heavily. “You’re a scary girl,” I tell her. “Lately  _I get the feeling_  you’re always one step ahead of where I want you to be.”

Nanako raises her eyebrows, challenging me. “ _Teddie is Teddie._  He doesn't even have memories of where he came from... But even if he  _did_ , it wouldn’t change who he is. If he asks, you make sure to tell him that.”

I grudgingly nod. “I’ll do the best I can,” I evenly tell her.

“That’s all I would ask.”

We hear the door opening and both eagerly look over.

“Ah—home?” Ryoutarou cautiously questions, seeing our stares. “Everything alright?”

We both nod without even having to glance at each other. I see Nanako slip the notebook back into her bag.

Ryoutarou wrinkles his eyebrows, looking at us like we’re being weird— _Which we probably are._  He goes for a glass of water, finally turning away to use the sink.

“I’m glad we got to talk, Tohru-jisan,” Nanako tells me, patting my hand. “I have work to do—Going to borrow your phone charger first though, that alright?”

“Yeah,” I easily reply. “It’s in my room.” She thanks me and head upstairs.

“You two are hiding something!” Ryoutarou calls after her, sounding annoyed. He walks to the couch and plops down, looking sweaty and tired. “What is it this time?”

I shake my head. “If it were important, I’d tell you. You gotta back off on that...”

He sighs. “Nn. It’s hard not to be paranoid lately...” After a minute of silence he looks around the room, searching for something. “Actually, where's the supernatural boy?”

“He didn’t come by today,” I grumble.

Ryoutarou chuckles. “You miss your little shadow?” he jokes.

I groan. “ _Don’t_  call him that.”

“I’m joking— _Relax_...”

“It’s not funny,” I mumble, flopping onto my back.

“I only noticed because it’s so quiet,” Ryoutarou snickers, shaking his head. “Didn’t think  _I’d_  miss him, but it’s all what you get used to.”

I flick my Vita back on, _not_ having a conversation about this. But Ryoutarou doesn’t get the hint.

“Should one of you call him or something?” he asks me. “Not—It’s not that he needs to be here, I’m just thinking maybe he’s sick?”

“Maybe he had something to do at home,” I tiredly insist.

 _He still doesn’t get it—_ Ryoutarou stands up and walks to the stairs. “I need to drop off one of the receivers at the Tatsumis’, I’ll stop in after I change.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but maybe leave him alone for today...”

“Huh?” Ryoutarou questions, turning around. “Didn’t I tell you?” I shake my head and he goes on. “You’re starting there on Tuesday. Kanji agreed to give you a job.”

_What?_

_What?!_

“—What?”

Ryoutarou nods. “Mmn. You said you wanted to get a job. He said you can go do something over there.”

“I... I don’t know anything... About... _Whatever_ it is he does...”

The man shrugs and grins. “Guess you’ll have to learn!” Ryoutarou smugly retorts, disappearing up the stairs. And I don’t like that I can hear him laughing to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/16/17


	19. Ore (Ryoutarou)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dojima visits Kanji—Really going to see Teddie. They have a chat that ends without answering any of Dojima’s (or anyone else’s) building questions. Dojima’s satisfied that the kid’s got a good head on his shoulders—But seriously guys, what is he thinking about?!?! Then we skip to the next morning, where Dojima and Nanako talk. There’s FINALLY a phone call back from Namatame, because I KNOW we were all wondering what was gonna happen with Teddie’s documentation! Then Dojima and Adachi have one last interaction that raises more questions from the former, while the latter isn’t in a talking mood, per usual. Left to his own devices, I doubt Adachi would do a lot of admitting to anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I’ve been posting so late!! Things have been heating up with my regular job.
> 
> "Ore" is the least polite and most masculine way to say "I" for a guy. I always see Dojima using it in Japanese. (I realized I didn't list a meaning for "boku", so I went back and added it!)
> 
> Hmm... It never ended up being a thing that was talked about, so I’ll fill you in: Dojima’s and his shadow-turned-human’s personas are enemies. Yama is a legit-Persona-demon from the series and Yamantaka means “destroyer of Yama”. I did a load of mythology reading on the real Yama and Yamantaka. I’m sure we’ll see Yamantaka again in the future, but if you were waiting to find out more... It looks like it’s not coming up in the rest of Watakushi. Bummer. So I wanted to let you know the gist of my reasoning.
> 
> If you’re wondering about the future—I’ve charted the main plotpoints for the next part. “Kazoku” will focus more everyone’s more human aspects/interactions, like “Okaeri” did with everyone preparing for Adachi’s return. I plan to take a week off after tomorrow’s “Watakushi” conclusion, and start posting again on Wednesday the 21st. There WILL be prologues again, but they’ll focus more on what’s been left out or gone unsaid between everyone in ‘the now’, rather than backstory.

Chapter Sixteen: Ore

(Ryoutarou)

I drive into town with the parts he’ll need, and knock on the door to Tatsumi Textiles. It's after-hours, but I figure Kanji will still be tidying up in there, rather than hanging out in his house.

"Hi," I say as the door is opened.

"'Sup?" Kanji asks, looking bemused at my sudden visit.

I hold up the case that Tohru's trackers came in. "I, ah, thought I'd drop this by. I'm hoping he can start Tuesday. I need to get a few more things squared away, but I'll be taking care of it on Monday..."

"Okay," the boy nods, scratching his head. "If that's it, I can take it for you. I could've dropped in tomorrow if you wanted. Or I could've sent Ted." He holds out his hand for the large toolbox-looking carrier.

"It's not a bother," I assure him. "I can, ah, set it up now if you're free—If that's alright..."

Kanji shrugs. "Yeah. I'm just getting extra work done in the shop, anyhow. Ma's out and Teddie's in his room."

He moves aside so I can enter. "H-how is he?" I try to casually ask. "The other two seem weird about it."

Kanji sighs and scratches his arm. "Y'know, I thought it was nothing, but he didn't even go to pick Nanako up. Maybe he’s got a cold?” he shakes his head, looking unsure. “I ended up going instead and bringing her back here for a while cause I felt bad. He hasn't missed going to the school since he declared it's ‘his duty’," the kid snickers as he says that last part. "But I don't know what's up with him and he _ain't_ saying."

"Mmn. Same with the other two." I set the case down in the workroom and take out the transmitter. "I can put it under the table?" I ask.

"Sure. Just keep it away from the machinery."

"Tohru's normally uncooperative when it comes to others, but this is the first day I haven't seen that kid tripping over himself to talk to 'his big bro'— _Hey!_ " A new idea dawns on me. "You think he's angry I told him to quit that 'aniki' business?"

Kanji shakes his head. "Nah, something like that wouldn't get him down. If it really bothered him, he'd just keep doing it." He rolls his eyes, smirking. "He doesn't sweat the small stuff, Teddie."

"Yes, that's what I figured," I sigh. "Alright. Look here." I point out the few buttons and switches on the device. "When I drop him off just flick this on and make sure he enables the bracelet. If it's off for too long I'll catch hell."

"Okay," Kanji replies. "That's easy." He jerks his thumb towards the attached house. "You wanna see Ted before you take off? I  _know_  that's why you're really here for, Ojisan. Even  _you_  miss his crazy happy attitude?"

I groan. "All what you get used to," I smile wryly. "His antics are much more harmless than the  _other_  bit of 'crazy' in my life." Kanji outright laughs and tells me how to find the kid's room.

I haven't been inside the Tatsumi house on many occasions. Kanji most always comes to our place, which  _is_  easier for me. I climb the stairs and knock on the door with 'TEDDIE' taped up on bright yellow-and-blue English letters. I chuckle, wondering if the kid made it himself: they're sloppily cut out of construction paper and one of the 'D's has a bear drawn in the middle.

_He sure acts a lot younger than he looks... I wonder where he's really at, up in that head of his._

"I'm sleeping, Kaasan!" I hear a decidedly un-bubbly voice call.  _Practically whiny, in fact._

I clear my throat, wondering how to respond. "I'm not your mom," I reply. "It's Dojima. Can I talk to you, kid?"

There are a few seconds of silence and then I hear him rushing around the room, probably tidying up or finishing a snack.

"Okay," he guardedly says as he opens the door for me. "You can come in, but I don't feel good..."

"Cold? Stomach bug? What is it?" I agitatedly demand. "I'm not worried about catching it."

Teddie nods a few times and takes a seat at the low table in the center of the floor. He undoes his cushion tower, setting one down for me.

I take a seat and sigh, hoping he'll just come out with whatever it is.  _I'm not great at talking to kids..._

The boy fidgets uncomfortably, finally jumping up to grab a box of snacks. "I—uhm—There's some chocorooms and chocolate-covered chips," he tells me, spreading them on the tabletop. "You like any of those?"

"Yugh," I jokingly make a gagging noise, hoping to raise his mood. "You're the same as Tohru," I tell him, laughing. "I hate that sweet crap, and those are some of his favorites."

Instead of giggling, as I expect, the boy blanches and shuffles all the food immediately back into its shoebox. "S-sorry," he mumbles.

"It's fine," I tell him. "I'm not hungry. I, ah..." I try to smile at him. "Just wanted to see what's going with you, that's all." His eyes dart around, as if he's unsure about my pronouncement.

"Look," I try again. "You come over almost every day and Nanako adores you. I heard you left in a hurry the other night, and then I hear you didn't even see her today. What's with that? If it's not the same for you, just tell her. She'll get it."

Teddie quickly shakes his head. "That's not—" he starts, looking close to tears. "That isn't what it is! I'm worried I'm not as good as you all think I am." I slowly nod, indicating he should elaborate. "I've been thinking about where I come from—And I don't think anybody would care, but it bothers  _me_  that I could've been a bad person!"

When he takes a minute to collect himself, I sigh and reach for my cigarettes. Teddie shakes his head. "K-kaasan says smoking is bad and she doesn't want it here..."

I huff, allowing a chuckle to escape me. "That so?" I ask.

He nods. "Yeah! I listen to all of her rules... There aren't many."

I shake my head and replace the box in my pocket. "Alright." I fold my hands to keep them still. "Teddie, look," I sigh and scratch my arm. "You shouldn't worry so much. Have  _you_  ever been a 'bad person'?"

The boy shakes his head a bunch of times, stumbling over his words. "N-not that I—Not that I remember, but I'm missing memories. I don't remember anything before Sensei showed up."

"Sensei..." I muse. "Yuu?"

"Yeah," Teddie tells me, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, the way Tohru is apt to do. "I don't know how long I was in the TV World before that, but I probably came from Magatsu-Inaba. I only tried moving to different areas after I met everyone. I didn't see a need before..."

"Can you go back there and look around more? Maybe there are clues you missed before."

Teddie shakes his head, looking down at his feet and seeming even more childish and vulnerable than usual. He chews on his lip for a minute. "I can't. We had to seal it off to keep more shadows from appearing. And I—I think I m- _might_  know where I came from, but I  _maybe_  hope I'm wrong..."

"Well where is it?" I ask. "Maybe I can help you."

"No," he firmly replies. "I have to do this myself."

I feel a smile coming on. "That's the way," I encourage the boy. "You can work through this." I check my watch and realize it's high time I get back to the house. "I have to get moving, so they don't hold dinner on me." I stand and pat Teddie on the shoulder. "Drop by tomorrow, we'll all be home. Alright?"

"Okay," he agrees and manages a sad smile of his own.

I retrace my steps to the store and say goodnight to Kanji before driving home.

\---***---

Of course I'm the first one awake; would be surprised if I weren't. I dress and head downstairs to start the coffee and pick up a newspaper.

I'm alone for well over an hour before I hear footsteps and am not surprised it's Nanako—Would be downright shocked if it were Tohru.

"G'morning," I call to her. She waves and plates her breakfast, then carries it to the low table. I slide off the couch to join her while I finish my current coffee. "You hear from Teddie?" I question.

Nanako shakes her head. "No..." She frowns. "I thought I would've by now."

"You will," I assure her. "I told him to come by today—Talked to him a while last night. I don't get what the kid's so uptight about. Tohru seems angry, too." I pause, piecing it together. "Did they fight?"

"No—I don't think so," Nanako tells me. She chews her food, thoughtful as well. "I don't know when they  _could've_. We were all three together the whole evening and—" she cuts herself off, grimacing, and I'm just realizing how upset she really is. This— _probably_  melodrama—now has my full attention.

I give my daughter a minute to compose herself before I clear my throat and take the floor. "I don't understand what the problem is, and when I asked Kanji, he hadn't even known Teddie was off. Thought maybe the boy had a summer cold or something."

"I know he's worried about where he came from," Nanako says. "Learning about another shadow like him got Teddie thinking, I guess. But I don't know why he's upset. And he was really grilling Tohru-jisan..." Nanako sighs. "And I don't know why he's avoiding  _me_."

"Was—Ah," I try. "Did _I_ do too much?" I ask.

Nanako tilts her head. "Huh?"

"W-well I said I'd include him in our family because you two are so..."

"Oh, no!" she laughs. "That's not it. He was really excited about that." Nanako smiles happily, and I'm thankful I decided to go out on a limb the other day.

But that brings us back to the original dilemma. "I guess we'll have to see if he comes by."

"Yeah," Nanako agrees. "I need to get some schoolwork done, so I'll be home for the morning at least."

"Mmn. I'll be getting my own things in order to return to work. Soon Tohru will start at Kanji's, too."

" _GEHK!_ " Nanako coughs, looking startled. "What? Really?!" she queries.

I nod. "Yes. I made a deal with Kanji. I don't want him sitting around all day." I shrug. "He didn't seem as happy as I'd hoped, but..."

"Dad," Nanako laughs. "Is that  _really_  a good idea?"

I sigh. "I don't know where else he could work in town."

"I didn't know he could even leave the house."

Shaking my head, I chuckle. "Well, you need some kind of official or police escort. He's got that covered."

My daughter giggles. "If you look at it objectively, it  _is_  kind of weird," she tells me, wrinkling her nose. “I mean you’re police and he was...” She shrugs her shoulder and holds up her hand, knowing I’d rather she not finish that sentence.

_That’s about the most anyone’s ever mentioned on the subject in my presence. It’s good she’s honest... And I’m no moron—I know it’s not exactly on the up-and-up._

"Nn," I snort. "That's the least of my worries. But I don't think he'll get harassed at Kanji's. He can have Tohru move boxes, or fold cloth, or even wash the goddamn floors—I don't give a crap. He needs to work his way up from scratch before he gets choosy." I run a hand through my hair. "Because  _no one's_  going to hire him as-is."

"Yeah..."

Our conversation is cut short by my cell phone. I check the caller ID— _Tarou!_

"Speaking of working your way back," I murmur. "I have to get this." I open my phone as I walk through the back door.

"Hello?" I ask.

"Yes, this is Namatame Tarou. I wanted to let you know I've managed to locate Tatsumi Kuma's birth record. We're having some trouble,  _as he was born abroad_ , and I was hoping to personally confirm some of his information with you—Hmm—Dojima Ryoutarou-San?"

"Y-yes?" I reply, unsure.

_That’s a lot of formalities. Usually it’s all jokes about having the same kanji for our names..._

There's a pause as Tarou taps on what I'm assuming is a computer. "Hmm, yes. Do you have his passport on you?" He continues before I can even answer. "Oh good! I'll  _make sure to write this down_ —"

I fumble my way back into the house to grab a piece of paper and a pen, Nanako tracking me curiously with her eyes. I write down the sparse information Tarou furnishes—A birthdate, original address, and the name of an orphanage.

"So glad to have gotten ahold of you, Dojima-san!" Tarou gushes. "It's always important to  _remember where you came from_. Well, I have to run, but I hope to  _get back_  to you with further details soon. It was no  _trouble_  and I'm always happy to  _help_!"

The line goes dead immediately and I have a shitty, sinking feeling about it. When I pocket my cell, Nanako is already next to me, examining the piece of scrap paper.

"What is it?" she inquires.

Sighing, I read the information aloud. "We were trying to get documentation for Teddie. But I have a feeling we've hit a dead end. Tarou sounded under duress." I see Nanako's eyebrows knit together as she processes this turn of events. "If I don't hear from him or his aide in two days,  _then_  I'll worry."

"Sorry, Dad," Nanako tells me, a pained expression decorating her face.

_Ah geez..._

"Why?" I scoff. "You didn't ask."

She shakes her head. "I know, but it feels like something I should be apologizing for anyway."

"What? No," I tell her. I heave a sigh and put my arm around her. I walk us to the table and take a seat. "Don't tell him, though. This is between the Tatsumis and I, alright?"

Nanako nods her head. "Yeah."

"Just—Just make sure he comes by so we can straighten out whatever is going on with him and Tohru."

"I will," she promises.

We're interrupted—

 _By shrieking._ Followed by silence. Then Tohru stampeding down the stairs in just his fucking shorts.

We both turn to look at him, wondering what the hell  _now_?

Tohru is panting and his eyes are wide open. "Yo-your  _stupid double_  tried talking to me through the TV when I was looking for clothes.  _What the fuck?!_ " he spits. "Scared the shit out of me!" He drops down on the couch and grabs at his hair. "Can't he use a  _fucking phon_ e or something?!"

I glance at Nanako, but she just shrugs. "What'd he want?" she asks— _Way_  too casually for the insanity here.

Tohru shakes his head and grunts. "Said he ended up getting a job I-R-L where Marie works—Didn't wanna be tied up with whatever shady crap she offered him to begin with."

"What's 'I-R-L'?" I dumbly respond.

Tohru sighs and Nanako giggles. "It means 'in real life', Dad," my daughter informs me—With a bit of a sarcastic edge.

"Well excuse me," I snort, folding my arms.

"I mean  _here_ , in our world," Tohru clarifies. "And he wants to come over sometime and 'talk to all of us' so he can ‘learn more about this world’ or whatever."  _His expression is extremely annoyed, bordering on disgusted._

"Would that be a problem?" Nanako queries. "I'd like to meet him—I'm the only one who didn't get to. And if he's going to be in the area, anyway..."

I frown. "I guess it's okay. How do we even let him know?"

"Fuck if I know," Tohru grumbles. "I guess we wait to see if he pops back up while the news is on or something."

"Let me know," Nanako tells him. "I'm going up to start on my work. Call me if Teddie's here."

"He's coming over today?" Tohru asks once we hear her door close. His face is twisted into another unsavory expression.

I groan. "Yes. And I don't know what your issue is with him, but I expect you to work it out."

Tohru mumbles to himself and sprawls out on the couch. He closes his eyes— _I think he's going back to sleep!_

_You're kidding me..._

"Tohru, get the hell up!" I snap. "I thought you said you were getting clothes. Are you up for the day or not?" I demand. "At least get decent!!"

"Fine," he grunts, rising to stalk back up the stairs. "You better have food for me when I come back down..."

I close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose.

_He's going to be a pain today. I can feel it._

No use worrying now, though. I make Tohru a slice of toast and an egg. Pour juice to go with it.  _The jackass better appreciate it._

I set the food on the dining room table and fetch my shoulder bag from the entryway. I  _do_  need to make sure my files and notes are in order for tomorrow. I can work on it while he eats.

Tohru runs back down the stairs more full of vigor. "I smell real food~" he sings, racing to the table.

"It's all 'real food'," I snort.

" _Real_  food is cooked. Or hot." Tohru rolls his eyes; as if this is something I should already know. "I doesn't include something cold you've pulled out of the fridge because you're too freaking lazy to make anything." He gives me a real shit-eating grin before placing the egg on top of the toast to scarf it down.

I roll my eyes and pull out my work. "What are you going to do today? You'll be starting Tuesday, if I can help it."

"And, uh, how long will my days be?" he asks, looking worried.

"As long as mine," I chuckle. His eyes practically pop out of his head while his expression turns sour. "Oh, calm down," I tell him, still feeling more laughter bubbling up. "I told you I cut back my days. You'll go in a little before nine and I'll pick you up around three..."

I look down because I can feel myself pressing my mouth into a straight line. I don't want him to worry, but anything he brought in  _would_  be helpful. "It’s only until you can find a more permanent position, alright? We're okay on money for now, but it wouldn't hurt for you to increase our income. Cutting back my hours meant a pay—We’ll call it a ‘pay stagnation’.”

_It meant no raises for a while..._

“I plan to work for a good long time, but..." I shake my head, hoping he can intuit what I mean.

Tohru narrows his eyes, thinking. "You mean you could have a problem or die, huh?" he asks. I can tell he doesn't want to think about that by the way the food stops halfway to his mouth and his hand is twitching.

"Yes," I carefully reply. "Nothing is certain—Ever. So you need to make a plan for your future, in case I'm not able to help you."

I see his eye twitch, but he begins eating again. "Cause you're an old man or because you'd kick me out?" he finally counters around a mouthful of food.

I sigh. " _Really?_  Are you  _serious_  right now?"  _My head's throbbing at his goddamn stupidity._  "Did we not have that conversation yesterday about koseki?!"

Tohru grumbles inaudibly and doesn't answer me. I glare, waiting for him to speak up.

He doesn’t, so I pound the table, aggravate. "Don't be an asshole! It's for your own good."

"Fine," he huffs. “If you’re working, I’ll be upstairs—Hoping no one pops up and tries to kidnap me again.”

“ _Huh?_ ” I sharply intone. “What do you mean? I thought you said he showed up on the TV—You didn’t say anything about getting dragged off. What’s  _that_  about?”

Tohru is darting by me, presumably for the sink, so I reach out and grab his wrist. He jumps, whipping his gaze to my hand. “Nothing.” He tugs his arm away, but I don’t let go, just look up at him with concern.

“I  _said_  it’s nothing.” He sets his face to that crappy blank stare. “It’s... It’s about the first time I went in there—That’s all. It isn’t important—” He screws his face up in a way I can’t parse.

I sigh and pull him closer while he resists, to the point of raising his plate as though he’ll smack me away with it. I shoot him a tired look and he relents, huffing and tossing the dish back to the table.

“What happened?” I ask more gently, wrapping my free arm around him. He scowls back and I respond by leaning my head against him, mustering all the patience and affection I can right now, hoping it’s enough to calm him down and explain  _what the fucking hell this is about_. “It’s worse to hang onto it, you know. Whatever it is—Don’t keep it in.”

He places his hand on my head and I think it’s going to be a nice gesture, till he starts balling his fist. “ _Ow, moron._ ”

“...sorry,” he sullenly replies. “Instinct.”

I snort. “ _Sure_ —But let go now.” He does, and I roll my eyes.

“Felt that,” he quips.

“You were meant to,” I reply, pulling away. “Tell me if something’s wrong. Sit down here if you want—I don't care. I shouldn’t be too long.”

“No, it’s okay,” Tohru tells me, edging away again. I let him be and he puts his dishes in the sink and heads for the stairs. “Come and get me when you’re done.”

“Alright,” I call, and turn back to the mess of half-assed reports I never finished.

_Barely more than a week ago I shoved all this aside to prepare for Tohru’s return. I figured I’d take care of it during the downtime..._

_Except there wasn’t any downtime—What with getting murdered and facing my shadows._

_So much can happen in a week._

I shake the memories from my head and try to focus...

_And I worry I’ll never be able to face another case without wondering if it’s grounded in reality or not._

_...Too much can change in a week._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Edited 6/16/17


	20. BokuMO (Teddie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddie confronts Adachi to find out if he’s right. Adachi’s NOT having it! It all blows up and Watakushi ends with a bang, as promised—Everyone’s private business (their “watakushi”, if you will) spilled out and intermeshing!! And it wouldn’t be Mukidashite if everything weren’t royally screwed up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Bokumo" translates along the lines of “me too”. The particle "mo" can be used instead of "ha" (which is actually read as the sound "wa") to mean "too", "also", "as well", or anything similar.
> 
> If you're interested in seeing my analysis and explanation about Doujima's Shadow Dungeon Concept, I wrote an article on Tumblr:  
> https://akaicchi-chosha.tumblr.com/post/169749290321/doujimas-dungeon-concepts

 Chapter Seventeen: BokuMO

(Teddie)

_Today I have to talk to him. I have to prove it’s true._

_I think I know where I came from._

_I don't want to be right. I don’t want to have been a part of the person who made everything so bad—The person who hurt Nanako. The one who almost took her away from me—And everyone._

_I can’t move on until I know for real._

When I get out of bed, I immediately change and head to the Dojimas’. Kanji knows I’m going there, he told me I should last night.

_It’d be nice to eat with them and pretend everything’s normal... Maybe there’s soup!_

The walk seems to take a lot less time than normal. And feeling scared to go inside the house is a new-new feeling.  _I don't like it._

_I want everything to be normal._

I unlock the door and walk inside. I peek my head around the entranceway and see Dojima sitting with his work spread out.

“Good morning,” I call.

He looks up and smiles. “You came,” he easily replies.

“I told you I would,” I remind him. “Where is everyone?”

“They’re both in their rooms. Nanako’s doing work, but said to tell her when you’re here.” He snorts a laugh and rolls his eyes. “Go on up, kid.”

I nod and kick my shoes off. I feel myself grinning as I line them up next to Nanako’s—Mine are a few sizes bigger and it always makes me laugh—She’s literally a lot older than me.

Deciding I wanna see her first, I knock on Nanako’s door. She breaks out in a big smile when she opens it and sees me standing here.

“Morning,” she tells me.

I nod, trying to smile back. “G’morning.”

“You’re going to talk to Tohru-jisan?” she questions.

“Yes,” I answer.

Nanako smiles and takes my hand. “You’re  _you_ , don’t worry so much.”

I shake my head. “I wasn’t always me.”

“Yes you were,” she tells me, sounding super-duper confident about it.

_I don’t know how she can be so sure._

Nanako drops my hand and points to Tohru’s door. “He’s probably playing games or working on something. Knock first.” She giggles—I think remembering the first day he was here and I burst in and he got really angry.

“Okay.”

She waves and closes her door behind her. “I’m going downstairs. I’ll bring some snacks up and we can share them in my room, after. So do your best!”

I nod a bunch of times and walk the short distance to the other bedroom. I knock and hear Tohru ask who it is, sounding annoyed.

“It’s me,” I reply.

“Talk louder!” he shouts back.

I take a big breath. “It’s Teddie!” I call.

I hear the noise stop and he opens the door a few seconds later. “What is it?” he asks, folding his arms and glaring.

“C-can I come i-in and talk to you?” I ask.

Tohru grunts, narrowing his eyes. “We can talk here. What is it?”

“ _I-I know,_ ” I tell him, my voice all shaky.

“ _What_  do you know?” Tohru asks, not taking his sharp look off of my face. His yellow eyes burn through my blue ones.

I walk closer and he jerks away, taking a few steps backwards into the room. “I know... Why I don’t have any memories…”

“ _No you don’t!_ ” he spits before regaining his normal look. “ _You can’t—_ That’s what memory loss  _means_ , idiot!” He laughs a little, trying to pretend he didn’t figure it out himself a  _long_  time ago—

Way before I started to suspect—

_Probably when I started calling him aniki._

“B-but I  _did_  figure it out!!” I insist. I move forward again and he now scrabbles away until he’s against the wall.

“ _No_.”

“ _Yes!_ ” I tell him loud. “It’s because my human suppressed them,” I start. “And I don’t care if the memories don’t come back… B-b-but they must be bad, right? Isn’t that why someone would make them disappear?”

My throat is all tight and it’s getting hard to talk. “And they couldn’t deal with me—They couldn’t accept that I was a part of them— _Right?_  A-a part that could be so easygoing again—So I got stuck all by my lonesome.” I feel my face squish into a sad expression. “B-be-bearcause they didn’t want to think about the nice things they didn’t have?” It sounds more like a question, but I  _know_  that’s what it was.

_I know._

Tohru’s face looks really scared—It looks the  _most_  frightened I’ve ever seen anyone!

“ _No!!_ ” he hisses, kicking out his foot to keep me away from him. “I don’t know anything about that— _H-how could I?_ ” he says super-quick, like he needs to do whatever it takes to fend me off, even though I wouldn’t hurt him.

“I think—”

“Y-y-y-you’re just so-someb-body’s  _mm-me-mental trash_  that—that—that— _t-that_   _escaped_!!” he screeches, barely able to get the words out.

I pull in as much air as I can so I don’t start crying. I hold it until I can float the words out on the breath. “ _I think you know whose shadow I was!_ ” I scream at him.

Tohru flinches and grabs his head, sliding to the floor into a little ball like he did before, when he was afraid to tell Dojima about the other thing. He sits there real still for a minute, and then he starts yelling.

_I can feel water on my face._

_It feels so hot._

_It’s hard to look at Tohru who just keeps wailing—_

So I run out of the room and slam the door. I speed down the stairs, almost smacking into Nanako.

“Te—” she stops. “What happened?  _Are you alright?_ ”

 _I can’t talk—_ My words won’t come out. I keep opening and closing my mouth but I can’t make them come up from my throat.

So she sighs and sets down the snacks, while Dojima stares at us like he wants to know what the heck happened—

_And I can hear that Tohru's still screeching something upstairs._

Nanako puts her arms around me to hug me and that's when I can't take it anymore!

I feel the tears really coming— _Pouring out like a faucet!_

I can hear Dojima clear his throat and say he should go check on Tohru. Nanako steers us to the side so he can get by. There’s still screaming and now Dojima’s heavy feet pounding the stairs.

I know I'm trying to say something— _to tell her_ —but my words sound all blubbery and not right. I can't seem to talk around the ache in my throat. She smiles kindly and pushes my shoulder, guiding me to sit down.

_It feels like my heart is cracking. Like someone was hurting my closest friend._

_Like deep down there’s someone else inside me who knows all these secrets—Who’s capable of being the opposite of who I’ve always been._

I hate it—

_—This is the first time I can truly use that word._

_And that’s a scary thought itself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...As a man who has NEVER been able to finish a single NaNiWriMo after trying more than ten times... I just wrote more than 70,000 words in a month. I guess now I know I have it in me! While “Watakushi” ended up zagging in a few different directions than I'd expected, I'm overall happy with my work. I will be going back and re-editing this next week. I've already re-edited "Okaeri" and half of "Oretachi". I've started listing the re-edit date in the end notes, so that readers (and myself) can know when it was last fixed-up. I know my style changes over time, so I most recently went back and changed some spoken names that didn't match up with the second and third parts. Nothing major, but now it all lines up better.
> 
> I will be taking the next seven days to re-edit and work on the next installment! “Kazoku” will begin pushing Wednesday of next week. I have this Friday to next Friday off and will be going away~ I’ll get lots and lots of writing done!!! Ganbatterrou!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I would love to hear any thoughts, criticisms, and comments!! Feedback helps me improve (and lifts my spirits lol)!! I think Part IV will be the last for a while, so I will give it my best shot! I’m super in-love with these characters, but I don’t know how long I can sustain the ardor with which I’ve been going at this so far... It’s been a LONG project!!! (I’ve also ben throwing around ideas for a crossover between two different franchises, so we’ll see how that works itself out in my head. Ehh... I’ve also wanted to do another one of this pairing, but making it during in-game time and going a different route with the character interpretations and see what I end up with—But I probably need to work with some different people soon or I’m afraid I’ll burn out :<)
> 
> You can find me on Twitter @akaicchi_chosha and Tumblr @akaicchi-chosha ...I’m pretty married to that name. My email is also in my profile, and I got a KIK @akaicchi
> 
> Thanks one more time for reading and kudoing and writing to me!! (^__^ )//
> 
> Re-Edited 6/16/17


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